Help Desk: Behind the Scenes
by Weener1
Summary: Name changed! This shall now catalogue all the short tales that take place in and around the 'Help Desk' studios.
1. Chaos Ensues!

**And thus is the first of what may be many parts of 'Help Desk Day Off'! Hope you all enjoy! More to come soon!**

* * *

"What do you think he wants? Are we in trouble?", Tomo asked as they walked the rather sparse carpeted hallway toward the control room of the studio which was headed by the one and only man they used to call 'Master'.

"He didn't sound upset.", Yomi answered.

"He never sounds upset.", Yukari mumbled.

"Maybe he passed a bladder stone or summin' and he wants to celebrate!", Osaka posed the matter to the group.

"Uhh...Osaka-san, I don't think that's it.", Chiyo giggled, used to the odd conclusions Osaka often came to.

"I do not think anything is amiss. He seems to be a rather calm individual.", Madoka mused.

"Well, whatever. Race ya to the room Kagura!", Tomo said before sprinting off.

"Hey! You cheater!", Kagura yelled after her as she tried to catch up.

She did manage to catch Tomo, but the force of the collision sent the two girls tumbling through the door to the control room. There they lay, sprawled before the swivel chair stitched with Italian leather and filigreed with gold piping along the arms and seat.

It didn't make a sound as it turned toward the girls lying upon the ground.

"How did I know you two would be the first to arrive?", Jay said with a playful smirk.

"Uhh...lucky guess?", Tomo said, standing and brushing the dust from her favourite blue shirt.

It was not really a lucky guess so much as it was a reoccurring event recently that Tomo and Kagura would collapse through the doorway due to a botched race.

The entire group of girls joined soon afterwards. They all gave a curt bow and, although they looked nervous, Chiyo was the first to speak up.

"You called us?"

"Yes.", Jay answered. "I have very important news."

"I told ya it was a bladder stone!", Osaka whispered to Chiyo.

"What is it, hmm? C'mon spill it!", Tomo said, very obviously impatient.

"You amuse me, Takino.", Jay smiled. "Anyhow, being the kind soul I am, I have decided to give you girls the day off from the show."

"Holy shit! Really?", Yukari asked.

"We get the day off?", Koyomiko asked with excitement.

"Yes.", Jay nodded.

"All right!", Tomo screamed, pulling on Yomi and Koyomiko's arms. "Let's not waste any more time!"

"Tomo, it's 8 A.M.", Yomi reminded the hyper girl.

"So?", Tomo said, continuing to pull the girls who soon relented.

"Now, everyone, don't get into trouble and have fun!", Jay reminded them.

"Thank you very much.", they bowed before exiting.

-------------

Lo and behold, after only an hour outside the studio Tomo was bored. She lay on Yomi's bed, dangling her head over the edge and relishing the rush of blood to her brain. Yomi and Koyomiko sat on the floor playing word games, seemingly oblivious to Tomo's groaning.

"I'm booooored! Let's do something fun."

"Like what?", Yomi asked.

"I dunno.", Tomo said, rolling over. "Let's go to the arcade or something."

"Maybe after we're finished here.", Yomi said.

Moments later, the telephone rang. Yomi picked up the receiver.

"Hello? Yes, she's right here."

Yomi held out the phone toward Tomo.

"Is it my mom?", Tomo asked.

"No, it's some guy."

Tomo took the phone with a very surprised look on her face.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Tomo-chan. This is Collin.", said the voice on the other end of the line.

"C-Collin?", Tomo said, holding back what would have been a rather obvious blush.

"Yes, I heard from Jay that you have the day off today and...I was wondering if you would like to partake of another violent film and another round of Halo 3?"

"AH!", she let out a rather unbecoming squeak. "Sure! Better than sitting here in this boring 'ol room!"

"Gee, thanks.", Yomi inserted.

"How about we meet downtown at the pizza parlour we went to last time and then we can head to my place? I have a good selection of horror flicks.", Collin said.

"Sounds awesome! See ya soon!", Tomo said and hung up.

"Was that Collin?", Yomi asked.

"Yep! And we're going on another date! See you guys later!", she said and exited the room.

"Kaa-san, where's Mama going?", Koyomiko asked.

"Don't worry about it. She'll be back in no time.", Yomi answered.

----------

On her way out of the house, Tomo hit upon a novel way to impress Collin.

"I'll call Yukari for a ride!", she said to herself.

And thus she dialed. Yukari was more than happy to drive her downtown. And by more than happy I mean she nearly threw her phone in glee.

No less than three minutes passed before a vast rumbling could be heard. And then it turned the corner, the new and improved Yukarimobile with music blaring way too loud and tired nearly the size of a person. I looked like a makeshift monster truck, except this one had a saki dispenser included.

"Hop on in!", Yukari called over the blasting music.

"All right!", Tomo was more than happy to join her favourite teacher in their favourite shared pastime, driving like a psycho.

Needless to say, they didn't even get down the street entirely before knocking over a fire hydrant. But the way you play this game is to ignore all signs of destruction.

--------

"Kaa-san, what was that sound?", Koyomiko asked.

"I don't know. Must have been some big truck.", Yomi mused, knowing full well what had just come rolling down her road.

And to add insult to injury, the doorbell rang.

Yomi walked to the door in a huff, hoping that Tomo and Yukari hadn't decided to come back together.  
She opened the door to face another person she could rather live without.

"Funari-mama!!", Koyomiko cried and jumped into the arms of the red-jacketed girl.

"Hello there, Koyomiko! And hello to you too, Yomi.", Funari said.

She was just too damn happy for 9:30 AM according to the Yomi-clock.

"Hi, Funari. What brings you here?", Yomi asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"I heard that you all got a day off and decided to come pay a visit to my favourite couple.", the kissed Koyomiko on the forehead. "And my favourite little girl."

Koyomiko giggled and said, "I'm happy you came, Funari-mama!"

After a moment Funari posed another question.

"So, where is Tomo?"

Yomi narrowed her eyes a bit before she spoke.

"She went on another date with Collin."

Funari's eyes flew open in shock. Her hands felt weak. She was in quite a distress!

"What!? Does she not know of the pain and terror that await her? We must stop this at once!"

A bit panicked she grabbed Yomi and Koyomiko by the wrists and spoke to them intently.

"You must help me save her from making terrible mistake!"

Yomi looked down at her daughter, hoping she'd have a decent answer.

"Let's go get Mama!", the little girl concluded.

Yomi nodded in assent.

"So it is settled!", Funari proposed as they headed toward downtown.

--------

Jay looked up from perusing the letters that had just arrived for the next installment of Help Desk.

'It feels like I'm missing something.', he thought.

Almost as if one cue, a blackened swirl filled the air. It seemed as if a rift in the time-space continuum itself opened. Out of this rather dark rift stepped a man. A man that distinctly resembled Sakaki. In his hand he held a slim box.

"Oh, you must be Sekeki.", Jay noted in a rather off-hand manner.

The tall man nodded which seemed to coincide with the closing of the darkened doorway.

"I believe you're looking for Sakaki, am I correct?", Jay asked.

"Umm..yes.", Sekeki answered.

"Well, she's at her home. I don't know where that is. But I'm sure Keshi-sama has provided you with some sort of high tech device to find her."

"I can find her...", he mumbled as he exited the room.

Jay stared after him a moment before going back to his reading.

"Well, that was interesting."

-------

Yukari brought the car to a screeching halt on the side of the road as her and Tomo sat within, aghast.

"What the hell did you hit back there?", Tomo questioned, looking out the back window.

"It kinda looked...like a juvenile Sasquatch.", Yukari said.

Yet, no matter how much Tomo searched there was no sign of any mythical beast. What she did see though was a girl running toward the Yukarimobile. Upon closer inspection, she recognized the girl as Osaka.

"Osaka! Did you see the Sasquatch?", Tomo yelled as she jumped from the high 'cockpit' of the car.

Osaka ran up panting.

"Ah saw the Sasquatch! Been...trackin' it for some time now.", said the exhausted girl. "Then ah saw tha car and came runnin'."

"So it really was a Sasquatch, Osaka? Not just some skinny bear with mange?", Yukari asked.

"Uh-huh! A real Sasquatch!", Osaka confirmed.

"Awesome! Hope you catch it, Osaka!", Tomo said, patting the girl on the shoulder. "I got a date to get to!"

And thus, with a wave, the Yukarimobile sped away once more.

Osaka nodded swiftly.

"I'ma catch that Sasquatch."

Little did she know that she would soon have company.

-------

Chiyo had resorted to her favourite pastime that had quickly made her the bane of anyone who abhorred school; she studied.

Oddly, or maybe not oddly, she heavily enjoyed learning. Almost like it was in her blood. She was just about to finish the chapter on RNA transcription when the doorbell rang.

Hopping downstairs she pushed the button on her video-intercom to speak with her visitor.

What she saw was something she did not expect in the least. She expected Tomo or Sakaki maybe. But not a sword-carrying armoured man with large brown bird wings emerging from his back.

She did not speak out of sheer terror, but apparently the man had noticed her presence on the intercom screen.

"Chiyo Mihama.", he spoke. "My name is Zero, I have written to you in letters before. But now, the world is in danger and you must help me save it! Many of the people I was assigned to search for have answered my pleas and now you must help us defeat the evil!"

"Uh...", Chiyo droned, scared to death that the man may force her to come along with him.

"Please, Chiyo-chan.", the odd looking man said with an honest expression.

Chiyo, being the trusting girl she is, seemed to feel good intentions flow from him.

"Uhh...I'll come out and we can talk, ok?", she said.

The man nodded in confirmation.

Picking up a can of pepper spray from her parent's self-defence kit, she put that in her pocket and exited the house to stand face to face with the bird-man.

"P..P...Pleased to meet you.", she stuttered and bowed. "You must have been serious coming this far to ask me to join you."

"Yes.", Zero returned the bow. "I have come with a vehicle so we can rejoin the other members of my group.", he said motioning to the small green Honda outside the gate.

"What...do we need to do?", she asked.

"There is an evil force at work in the world. You are the final part of the group I was assigned to assemble. With you we can eradicate evil from this planet!", upon the final words Zero clenched his metal-sheathed fist.

"Umm...", Chiyo shook visibly as the decision of whether to assist or not clouded her mind.

"The world needs you, Chiyo-chan!", he said with bravado.

That settled it. Chiyo could not stand idly by and let the world fall to ruin when she could be helping!

She nodded sternly.

"I will help. But...how long will this take?"

"I'm not sure. As long as it takes it is worth it!", Zero answered.

"As long as I'm back by dinner.", Chiyo giggled.

An thus, they drove to their destinies in a tiny green Honda Acura.

* * *

**Find the joke I inserted about a recent news item and you get a gold star sticker! (Yay!)**


	2. More Tales from the Holiday

**Anyone who said Sasquatch was correct! (hands out gold stars)**

**Anyhow, hope you enjoy part 2!**

**

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**

Tomo jumped from the Yukarimobile almost at the instant it pulled to the curb.

"Thanks, Yukari-chan!", she waved to the teacher at least 2 metres above her.

"No problem. Have fun now. I gotta run before the cops catch me!", Yukari responded with a laugh as the mechanized wonder roared away down the street to the gasps of surprised and terrified onlookers.

"Uncle Luigi's Pizza", she read the sign out loud. 'Damn that sounds so freakin' American.', she thought.

Alas, she entered the air conditioned palace of cheese and only slightly burned crust. Looking around she noticed at a table along the right wall a pale teenager with a splendid mane of white hair.

"How ya doin', Collin!", she yelled as she practically jumped into the seat across from him.

"Hello there, Tomo-chan.", he responded with a smile.

"Where's the damn pizza? I'm starving here!", Tomo whined.

"Don't worry, Tomo-chan. I already ordered it and it should be out soon.", Collin responded.

"Sweet! So, what horror flick are we gonna be watching?", she asked.

Yet Collin was oblivious to the question. He simply stared at Tomo, which in turn, freaked her out.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Tomo-chan?", Collin said wistfully.

"Uh...yeah. Like ten times.", she answered uneasily. She hated sappy romantic crap that seemed to come straight out of movies.

"Fine. Then I won't compliment you.", Collin said, a bit disgruntled.

Tomo snickered. "Your mom won't compliment me."

This made Collin grin in turn. "Your mom is so fat she has harpoon wounds."

They shared a raucous laugh that quieted down as a large, greasy man placed upon the table a large, greasy pizza.

"Nice!", Tomo said and immediately stuffed nearly an entire piece into her mouth, seemingly oblivious to the temperature of the pie.

"Tomo-chan, I'm sure that pizza is-

His words were cut off by her muffled screams. Indeed, the pizza was hot as the coals of Hades.

"Water! Water!", she screamed.

Collin looked about frantically. There was no water in sight.

"Here!", said a voice that spoke Japanese with a rather heavy English accent.

There stood a man holding a cup of water which Tomo greedily gulped down.

"Ah! Ate a piece in one bite!", Tomo cheered. then she noticed the man that had given her the drink.

"Oh, and thanks buddy.", she said.

"My pleasure.", came the response.

"Holy crap!", Tomo's eyes widened. "Where the hell did you get an accent like that?"

"Uhh...from England?", the man responded.

"English accents are the COOLEST!", Tomo shouted.

"Umm..they're not that great.", the man said with a nervous blush.

The entire time Collin sat and stewed in anger.

'Who the hell does this guy think he is?'

"By the way, the name's Tomo.", she said.

"You can call me Luke. I'm a big fan of yours.", the man said.

Collin perked up at the sound of his name, standing and pointing an accusatory finger.

"I know you! You're that Lukevader guy! I've gotten mail from you on Book Review!", he said.

"Oh, so you must be Collin? Pleased to meet you.", Luke said, holding out his hand.

Collin shook it reluctantly.

"It was very nice meeting you, but me and Tomo-chan here are on a date right now. I hope to see you again.", Collin said, his voice hardly masking his ire for this newcomer.

"A date? With this beautiful young girl?", Luke asked.

Collin nodded in assent.

"Well, if you would like to go out with me next week, Tomo-san I would be more than happy.", Luke proposed.

"No way!", Collin said, clenching his hand into a white-knuckled fist.

"Maybe she doesn't want to just date a guy like you! She should have her options open to her.", Luke explained.

'I will make her like me.', Collin thought, gritting his teeth as he planned a way to show up his rival.

Tomo, on the other hand, simply thought, 'Are these guys...fighting over me?'

--------

Across the street, in the shadows of an alley, all of this was seen by Funari, Koyomiko and Yomi.

"Yep...the Apocalypse is coming...", Yomi noted.

"Huh?", Koyomiko asked.

"Guys are fighting over Tomo.", Yomi said.

"I cannot let this go any further!", Funari said, standing and making herself ready to do battle if need be.

"Just let it go. This might get interesting.", Yomi said.

"But...such horror could come from Tomo not seeing the truth for it be clouded by the delusions of grandeur put forth by these men!", Funari expounded.

"I wholeheartedly agree!", came a rather upbeat voice from behind them.

Yomi turned to see who may have been eavesdropping. Standing behind them was a smiling teen-aged kid.

"What would you know of this predicament?", Funari questioned.

"Oh...I've been...watching.", the boy said awkwardly. "Actually, I was walking by and spotted Yomi and Koyomiko here. I've been looking for you two."

Yomi narrowed her eyes at the thought of having to babysit another one of their fans.

"And which crazy nut might you be?", she asked.

"Crazy nut?", the teen laughed happily. "You may know me as Osakalover16. But you can call me Shaun."

Yomi blushed at the mention of the name she knew from 'Help Desk'. This was the first person to ever call her beautiful and sound sincere. He is also the one that wanted to take the new 'family' on a trip to Six Flags.

"Oh...hello. Umm..uhh...", Yomi could not seem to string her words together.

"I was wondering if you two were still interested in going to Six Flags.", Shaun said.

"Umm..well.", Yomi blushed.

"Yay! Six Flags! Six Flags!", Koyomiko bounced up and down.

Funari, being the protective woman she is, interjected on the spot.

"Alas! Tomo is on a rendezvous with Collin and we must observe and intervene at the correct moment. Sadly, there is no time for fun at this point in time."

"So...after this is over with...can we go then?", Shaun asked.

"...I don't see why not.", Funari responded.

"Ok, then!", he said happily. "I'll help!"

-------

Sakaki was nervous.

Very nervous.

Mind-numbingly nervous.

So nervous that when her mother touched her shoulder lightly she nearly jumped out of her clothes; which, depending on what you like, may or may not have been a good thing.

"Oh, hi Mom.", Sakaki said weakly.

"When is that boyfriend of yours coming over? I'm really looking forward to meeting him.", her mother, Jessica, said.

This caused Sakaki to blush, of course.

"Don't be worried, sweetheart. I'll make sure he's a good guy.", said her rather bulky and gruff father, Daichi. He cracked his knuckles for further emphasis.

"Oh, Daichi. Don't scare the boy away.", Jessica giggled.

Sakaki just let loose an anxious smile.

"I hope you like him. He should be here any-"

Once again, as if on cue, the doorbell rang. Fate sure does have its ways with correct and exemplary dramatic timing occasionally.

Sakaki quickly shuffled to the door, swallowing the lump in her throat. Would her parents like him? Would he like her parents? Only way to find out was to open the door.

On the other side of the door was James and, to her mixed relief and terror, looked equally as nervous as her.

"Hello, Sakaki.", he said with a slightly wavering voice.

"Please come in.", she responded with a bow.

She led him to the foyer to remove his shoes and, lo and behold, standing before him were Sakaki's parents.

"Hello! You must be James.", Jessica smiled happily at her daughter's boyfriend.

"Hello, James.", said Daichi in little more than a grunt.

Daichi scared James immediately. To him Daichi looked like one of those tough, daughter-protecting fathers from the movies. He never really considered that such a sweet girl could have a fairly bad-ass father.

"Good day to you..uhh..umm..", James was lost on words as he bowed. He realized that he didn't know their names!

Luckily, Sakaki saw his chagrin and interrupted.

"Oh, how rude of me. James, this is my mother Jessica and my father Daichi."

"Pleased to meet you, Daichi-san and Jessica-san.", he said with another bow.

"Please come inside.", Jessica said. "I have lunch all prepared for the four of us. Jay-san is such a nice man, calling the companies which Daichi and I work at and getting us the day off!", she led her nervous daughter and her even more nervous boyfriend into the kitchen. Daichi followed behind, practically staring holes in the back of James' head.

James was amazed at what he saw as he set foot in the kitchen. Spread on the table before him was a wide array of food. Some he had seen before and others he had not. It all looked so very tasty.

He and Sakaki sat beside one another at the table while Jessica sat across from her daughter and Daichi made damn sure to place himself right in front of James.

After a few moments of silence, Jessica was the first to speak up.

"So, James. Where are you from?"

"Umm..uhh...I..I'm from America.", he didn't mean to stutter, but it happened anyhow.

Sakaki couldn't help but feel sorry for the suffering of the teen.

"America! I'm from America as well.", Jessica spoke up.

Indeed, Sakaki's mother did not look one bit Japanese. It was probably her genetic predisposition that gave Sakaki a wonderful...set of...sweater puppies. This must have been the case because Jessica certainly wasn't shabby in the-

'Oh, god. I'm looking at her mom's boobs!', James reprimanded himself for his wandering eyes.

"That's nice...", was all that James could muster to say.

"What state?", Jessica asked.

"Umm..uhh...ehh..."

"That's ok! I know you're nervous and it's not that important. So, for now eat! Eat up!", Sakaki's mother urged.

James was glad for the break. It felt to him like a police interrogation. Lo and behold, it was about to become worse.

"How did you meet my daughter?", Daichi said after swallowing a bite of food.

He had caught James in the middle of putting a morsel in his mouth. He nearly choked as he sputtered the words out.

"On the Help Desk show. We have been uhh...talking for some time."

Daichi grunted in response.

"You haven't been having relations with her have you?", Daichi asked.

"Dad!", Sakaki blurted out with a blush.

"Daichi! You know better than to ask that!", Jessica scolded.

"Umm..uhhh...uhhhhhhh.", James raced to find the words. This was NOT a question he wanted to mess up on. "No, we haven't been doing anything like that. Of course not!"

"Hmph.", Daichi said. "I see."

James sighed heavily.

'This is harder than I thought...'

--------

It was a beautiful day outside. Thus, it made it a perfect day for Kagura and Nyamo's favourite pastime: swimming. They had decided the moment they were given the day off that swimming would be perfect. Just a relaxing swim, not anything athletic or competitive.

To their surprise, Madoka seemed to show interest as well.

"Swimming? I've never done such a thing. Mind if I join you two?", she had asked.

They agreed instantly. Kagura, no surprise, loved to teach others to swim. They had to loan Madoka a school swimsuit for the duration of their endeavor.

Madoka, unaccustomed to 'showing skin', found the suit to be needlessly revealing and called it 'lecherous'. That thought soon passed from her mind though as the full expanse of the school pool seemed to amaze her.

"It's quite large! Enormous even!"

Kagura and Nyamo led her to the shallow point and told her to step down the stairs slowly to become acclimated to the water.

"By all the gods! It freezes my feet!", she cried as the water encompassed her feet.

"Step slowly. It'll become warmer the further in you get.", Nyamo reassured the girl.

Madoka proceeded to take small steps. She shivered a bit but soon the water covered her up to the stomach. A wide smile was plastered on her face as she stepped foot on the bottom of the pool.

"My gods...it feels as if I'm weightless!", she said happily.

"See? Isn't it nice?", Nyamo commented.

"Oh, very much so. It's almost as if-GURK!"

She had gone out too far and, not knowing how to swim, had dipped below the surface quite quickly.

"Shit.", Nyamo cursed and dove in after the girl.

Moments later she pulled Madoka to the surface. Spitting up water, she spoke.

"Such...evil this possesses!"

"You should really stay in the shallow end.", Kagura said.

"That's a good idea.", Nyamo said as she escorted the dazed girl into shallower water.

It was then that the rumbling started.

"Is a storm upon us?", Madoka asked.

Looking up, there was not a cloud in the sky to be seen.

"An earthquake maybe?", Kagura suggested.

"No.", Nyamo said, rubbing her temples. "It's worse."

At that moment, blasting the most blasphemous of black metal, Yukari's super-car pulled into the school parking lot.

"Oh, no.", Kagura said.

"It appears Yukari-sensei has arrived.", Madoka said.

"NYAMO!", came the booming call from the PA system atop the car.

Nyamo just stood in the pool, shocked at her friend's brashness. She knew that she shoudn't be shocked, but Yukari's new car was certainly the worst idea known to mankind.

"HOW DARE YOU GO TO THE POOL WITHOUT TELLING ME!?!?!?", the PA system screamed again.

"Uh...sorry?", said Nyamo.

Yukari then shut off the Deus Ex Machina and jumped from the cockpit. It appeared that she was already dressed in her rather revealing floral bikini as she approached the poolside.

"Do you have any idea what kind of HELL I had to go through to get here?", Yukari growled.

"Hell? Yukari, all I wanted was some peace and quiet at the pool. You can join us as long as you stay quiet!", Nyamo said.

Yukari narrowed her eyes at her friend.

"I hit a Sasquatch, Nyamo. A juvenile fucking SASQUATCH!"

"Uh-huh.", Nyamo said, disbelieving every word.

Yukari sighed deeply.

"Luckily, the scars on my soul have faded and I am fine. OK! TIME FOR A NICE DIP!"

"Yukari! Do NOT cannonball into the pool again! How many times do I have to tell you? You almost drowned Chiyo-chan last time you did that.", Nyamo reprimanded.

"So what? You all can swim."

"Madoka can't!", Kagura pointed out, trowing her arm over the girl's shoulders. She unwittingly pulled Madoka close to her and, when she noticed, blushed excessively and dropped her arm.

"Oh.", Yukari said. "Fine, have it your way.", she mocked. "...BELLYFLOP!"

With that call she catapulted herself into the air and impacted the water with an audible 'smack.  
Waves passed through the water, sucking Madoka under.

This time Kagura was the first to notice and dragged the struggling girl to the surface. Holding her in an awkward embrace, she pulled the girl out of the pool and out of the harmful Aura of Pain that seemed to surround Yukari wherever she went.

"Madoka! Are you ok?", Kagura asked.

"I am...alright.", Madoka said, coughing up a bit of water and leaning her head weakly on Kagura's chest.

Kagura smiled back at the girl, honestly concerned about her well-being.

Behind them Nyamo forcefully ejected Yukari from the pool.

"AND STAY OUT!"

---------

Now we enter a world of high strangeness. No, this is not Osaka's story nor does it have anything to do with said girl. This story has been ethereally earmarked by the Cosmic Codex as containing an unexplained portion of Universal history. Not even the most mystical of esoteric researchers have been able to discover how exactly one portion of this tale came to be. In fact, neither does any cosmic energy or ascended spirit.

It is truly a mystery.

"Chihiro-chan, what do you want to do?", Kaorin asked as the two friends lay on her bed, bored out of their minds.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?", Chihiro responded.

"Hmm...", Kaorin thought. "Would you like to forge a fascist constitution and force it upon the Japanese people?"

"Umm...not today.", Chihiro answered awkwardly.

"Ohh...", Kaorin whined. "I thought our day off would be fun!"

Chihiro assented but was simply content as long as Kaorin wasn't ranting her head off about setting up some police state or embezzling money to make the yen worthless.

As is seemingly the motif of this entire story, the phone rang at that exact moment.

Scooting to the phone, Kaorin picked up the receiver to hear nothing but raspy breathing.

This terrified her.

A lot.

"Kaorin-chan...I'm coming for you.", the voice said.

She slammed the phone down, fearing that it was Kimura.

"Who was that?", Chihiro asked her panicked friend.

"I think it was Kimura. BOLT THE DOORS AND WINDOWS!"

And thus began the task. The locked every window in the house and bolted every door shut. Holing themselves up in the dining room, they waited.

The phone rang again.

Kaorin's pulse raced. She wanted to answer it. But letting it ring would be just as bad. So, she picked up the receiver.

This time the breathing seemed louder and the voice took on a mocking tone.

"Kaorin-chan...I'm coming for you."

"Who...Who are you?", Kaorin cried.

"I am someone you know very well.", the voice crackled and the line went dead.

She stood there, shivering and holding the phone in limp fingers.

"Kaorin...Kaorin, what's the matter?", Chihiro asked, her voice quivering with anxiety.

"He's coming...and this time...I'm sure it wasn't Kimura. The voice was...different."

The phone rang a third time. This time Chihiro crowded close to her friend to listen.

"Leave us alone!", Kaorin screamed into the receiver.

"I'm here, Kaorin-chan.", the voice giggled.

"What!?", she cried.

"Behind you.", it said.

Whipping around the girls nearly jumped through the roof when the spotted a man behind them.

That's when the man, a teen more like it, rolled on the ground in laughter.

"AHAHAH! I got you good, Kaorin! Hahahah!!!"

Kaorin recognized this man.

Kaorin hated this man.

Kaorin felt nothing but the urge to kill.

Immediately.

"AR!! I WILL SHATTER YOU!!"

AR sat up, wiping his eyes of tears.

"With what? A shovel?"

Kaorin thrust her hand to the sky. Around her fingers a glow formed. A blue roiling mass that extended outward and coalesced into a thick golden shovel complete with magic runes inscribed along the spade.

The Cosmic Codex would like to pause for a moment here. This is the point that still lies unexplained. Not one being in all the levels of the Universe knows where she obtained this runic shovel. Some say a divinity gave it to her. Upon investigation everyone from God to Vishnu denied this claim. Some say it was an ascended master, a perfected human. Once again every ascended master from Mohammad to Zarathustra denies having any involvement. It is almost as if by sheer willpower alone did she create this object.

Truly a mystery.

Anyhow, back to the actual tale.

With this newfound super-shovel she slammed AR across the face with it. Bone broke, blood splattered along the kitchen floor and his body lay still, eyes glassy.

"Oh my god, you killed AR!", Chihiro said.

"I'm...a bastard...", Kaorin finished.

-------

**Soory JBK, I know you said you're not a pervert but I just had to put that part in! Heheh...**


	3. Like a Head of Lettuce or Something

**And here's an entry to slate your unbridled lust until I return on Friday!**

**Enjoy! **

**

* * *

**She had seen it. The juvenile Sasquatch. And she was determined to catch it. 

Osaka had seen her share of odd phenomena. She swears on her life that she has seen twelve Sasquatch, three Jersey Devils, two Mothmen, and a sea monster. Not to mention her countless UFO sightings. She even goes so far as to say the fabled Ark of the Covenant lies beneath her toilet.

Needless to say, no physical proof was ever produced. Her having forgotten her camera at the most inopportune of times!

"It's like they wait till I dun got a camera and then BOOM! There they are!", she mused once.

Anyhow, she was determined to find that juvenile Sasquatch she had seen. She even bought a disposable camera so there was no way he was foiling her this time!

And with that in mind she walked into the forested area that she had seen the beast run to after being nearly crushed by the Yukarimobile. It was damp and cool under the shade of the trees. Not that she actually noticed.

"Gotta be 'round here somewhere.", she muttered.

She saw movement ahead! From behind a tree emerged a shadowy figure. This was it! She knew what she had to do. She raised her camera in shaky hands and snapped the shutter!

The flash illuminated the form, revealing it to be a rather young-looking teenage boy.

"Aww! Dun scare me like that!", she reprimanded.

"Sorry. I thought you were Sasquatch.", he said.

Osaka was floored.

_'Like a match made in heaven.'_, she thought before bowing deeply.

"The name is Ayumu Kasuga. I'm a Sasquatch enthusiast too."

The boy bowed back.

"Hi, Osaka. I'm Jacob."

"How you know mah name!? Are you one o' them mind-readers!?", Osaka shouted.

"No, I just watch 'Azumanga Help Desk' on TV."

"Oh, so you're one o' them letter writers ain'tcha!?"

Jacob nodded.

"I wanted to come visit sometime. I heard the show was off the air today due to a day off. I hate re-runs of M.A.S.H so I came to see if I could hang out with you."

"Well, nice ta meetcha. I saw a juvenile Sasquatch run in here so I came lookin' for 'em. Have you seen 'em?", Osaka asked.

"Yeah, I saw that Sasquatch and came looking for him as well."

"Team up?", Osaka asked, holding out her hand.

Jacob shook it vigorously.

"Team."

----------

Sekeki had just narrowly avoided being struck by that unholy beast of a vehicle and, although a bit put off, continued into the woods on his trek to meet Sakaki.

Even though he had never been in Tokyo before, he knew all the backroads and shortcuts to Sakaki's house. Such things were taught to him by Master Keshi-sama.

"Not much further.", he whispered as he crunched his way through the fallen leaves.

---------

"Ya came all tha way from America?", Osaka asked, amazed.

"Yeah.", Jacob responded.

Osaka wished to stay her hands but simply could not. She immediately grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him towards herself.

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE DEMON PENGUINS OF PENNSYLVANIA!?!?!?", she screamed.

"Uhh...no.", Jacob responded.

Osaka released him with a deep sigh.

"Good...Very good."

"So..umm...Osaka-san, I assume you know how to catch a Sasquatch?", Jacob asked.

"Yeah! Like this."

With that statement she threw back her head and made what was most likely the most unattractive series of grunts and howls ever to have emanated from a human being.

"Uhh...", Jacob droned. "That's kinda cool."

"Well, thank ya.", she smiled.

Just then there was a rustling noted ahead of them. Osaka pulled Jacob behind a tree as they spied a tall figure advancing through the trees ahead. Dark hair seemed to flourish out around him as he walked.

"The Sasquatch.", Osaka said.

"We should follow him.", Jacob suggested.

"It's like yer readin' mah mind.", Osaka confirmed. "You ain't really readin' my mind...are ya?"

Jacob shook his head.

They followed behind the mysterious figure, tailing it to wherever gate of Hades it may have come from.

-------

"...And here she is in the bathtub when she was four. Isn't it so adorable!?", Jessica said with a squeal.

James peeked at the picture with an evident blush on his face. Indeed, it was adorable.

For the last half hour Jessica had been showing off old baby pictures of Sakaki, to the teenaged girls' chagrin.

"Mom...", she blushed. "You don't have to show him ALL of them..."

"Yeah, honey. Leave the poor girl some dignity.", Daichi said.

"Ohh...alright.", Jessica sighed and closed the picture album.

"Uhh...those were very cute and uhh...yeah.", James was sweating; trying to find the words to describe the various levels of confusion he felt.

Sakaki blushed heavier. She was always embarrassed when anyone called her 'cute'.

"So, James.", Daichi said, chewing on a toothpick. "What were your previous girlfriends like?"

"Uhh...!", James went wide-eyed and froze up.

"Honey, that's not a nice question to ask.", Jessica insisted.

Daichi ignored her.

"Were they anything like my daughter here?"

"N...no. Actually, she's my first girlfriend... So, I'm new to this. Sorry if I seem nervous...", James admitted.

Daichi nodded.

"Maybe you're not so bad after all.", he said, patting James on the back.

James smiled and glanced at Sakaki who also shared his joy. Her father liked him! He really liked him!

"Yes, you're a very nice young man.", Jessica said with a wide smile.

"I'm...glad you like him", Sakaki blushed.

James couldn't be happier.

-------

"Where is he going?", Jacob asked.

"I dunno.", Osaka responded. "Sasquatch ain't supposed to leave the woods."

They watched from behind a tree at the edge of the forest as the beast they were following walked into a suburban neighborhood.

"Do we follow him?", Jacob asked.

Osaka nodded.

And thus they began the chase once more through the streets, the beast slightly illuminated by the streetlights. Yet, they still could not make out its exact form.

"It's going towards that house!", Jacob whispered.

"We gotta stop 'em!", Osaka insisted as they rushed towards the beast.

The creature was sulking up the front path towards the door of a house.

'We can't reach him in time!', Jacob thought.

Indeed, they could not catch the beast in time. The hairy creature opened the front door of the house and stepped inside.

Light poured from within and it was obvious that people were home.

"We gotta get inside!", Osaka said, honestly fearing for the inhabitants for she had read that, when cornered, Sasquatch can be deadly!

Jacob and Osaka bolted into the door moments after Sasquatch entered.

What they saw within was no Sasquatch. As a matter of fact, they wondered how they had ever confused it with one in the first place.

What they saw was a tall man with raven coloured hair that hung nearly to his ankles. As a matter of fact, he looked a lot like-

"Osaka?", Sakaki said, peering out from her living room.

"Who the hell is this!?", Daichi said, motioning to the man that stood in their foyer.

"My name is Sekeki.", the man spoke.

"Sakaki! Dun listen to him! He's a Sasquatch in disguise!", Osaka yelled.

"Uhh...", Sakaki droned.

"Is this another one of your friends?", Jessica asked.

"Umm...Osaka is but...", Sakaki began.

"I have been instructed to meet you, Sakaki-san.", Sekeki said, taking her hand and bowing.

Of course, this did not sit well with James.

"What do you think you're doing!?", he said, quite upset at the strange man and his actions.

"I am just doing as I have been instructed.", Sekeki replied calmly.

"I think it's about time you leave!", Daichi said, cracking his knuckles.

"Dun do it!", Osaka pleaded. "Angry Sasquatch have been known to kill!"

"Sasquatch?", Sekeki asked, confused.

"Sasquatch in disguise!", Jacob inserted.

"Now get out of my house!", Daichi screamed.

"It's been nice meeting you all, but it appears I am not welcome...", with that Sekeki pressed a button upon his belt and was gone in a flash of light.

"What the hell!?", Daichi exclaimed.

"Oh my...", said Jessica.

"ALIEN SASQUATCH!?!?!? IT CAN'T BE!!!", Osaka screamed before holding her head and fainting.

This left Jacob in a rather awkward position. The girl had fallen into his arms and now he was left to explain what had just occurred.

"Umm..uhhh...err...", he tried to collect his words as the others stared at him.

"Well, are you going too?", Daichi asked impatiently. It was obvious that this was not a question.

"See you again!", Jacob said awkwardly as he dragged the unconscious girl from the house and down the front path.

"That was...different.", Sakaki noted.

------

"Begone foul clogged traffic!", Zero shouted as his car nearly stalled due to the highway being at a standstill.

Chiyo-chan and him had been stuck on the same highway for fourty minutes and the traffic had not moved more than two kilometres.

"Umm...Zero-san, you say we need to get to the other side of town?", Chiyo asked.

Zero nodded.

"Yes, and at this rate the other members may be in danger!"

"Zero-san, can't you just fly with those?", Chiyo said, pointing to his furled wings which took up nearly the entire backseat of the car.

Zero blushed and let out a sigh of exasperation.

"Sadly, no I cannot. They are more of a showpiece."

"Oh...", Chiyo sighed, defeated.

Even for the normally calm and collected Chiyo Mihama being in a car on a clogged thruway with a bizarre armoured bird-man was grating on her nerves. She just wanted to get it over with!

"Is there any way you can speed this up?", she asked.

Zero clenched his teeth.

"So much for being inconspicuous.", he said before whipping the wheel nearly 90 degrees and slamming on the gas pedal.

The car roared along the shoulder of the road, past the line of honking drivers that were none too happy to see a 'cheater'.

This was not a horrible experience for Chiyo due to the fact that once you have ridden in the Yukarimobile nothing can come as a surprise.

He blazed past the cars, a ravenous look in his eyes.

"Here is our exit.", he said, indicating the green sign ahead.

And then came the flashing lights.

And the sirens.

And the fifty or so police vehicles they had just passed.

Apparently, without their knowledge, they had run a police roadblock.

"You should stop!", Chiyo urged.

"They have no idea what may become of this planet if we do not stop the evil in time!", Zero responded.

"You won't be able to stop it if you get arrested!", Chiyo said.

Zero looked at the little girl and simply could not refuse. He slammed on the brakes and came to a screeching halt.

Behind him two cop cars stopped and the officers got out. One approached the driver's side window.

"License and registration please.", the cop demanded in a nasal voice.

"License?", Zero pondered. He had no such thing.

"Don't tell me you're driving without a license with a little girl in the car?", the cop said.

"I am on a mission to bring the world out of this darkness!", Zero insisted.

"Sure explains your wack-ass costume.", the cop laughed. "Now would you please get out of the car with your hands in the air."

"I will do no such thing! You are impeding a great quest, Sir!", Zero said.

_'Oh no...'_, Chiyo thought, burying her face in her hands.

"Don't play games with me Harvey Birdman.", the officer reprimanded.

"You will see the light.", Zero stared into the eyes of the officer as his eyes glowed brightly.

"OH MY GOD!!", the officer screamed, clutching at his face.

"We must continue!", Zero said, downing the pedal to the floor again.

Chiyo screamed as she held on for dear life and hoped that this was all worth it.

-------

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod...", Kaorin repeated as she paced in her kitchen before the dead body of AR.

"So what do we do with it?", Chihiro asked.

"Bury it of course!", Kaorin screamed.

"But where!?"

"THE BACKYARD!", Kaorin yelled. She was obviously out of her mind by now.

The two girls picked up the body. One at the head; one at the feet. Kaorin slid the back door of the house open with one hand as they tried to bring the body out as quietly as they could.

"Hide it under this tarp.", Kaorin said, holding forth a blue synthetic tarp used to cover her mother's small garden during the winter.

Chihiro quickly placed the tarp over the corpse. Blood slowly leaked from underneath it.

Kaorin went inside for a moment and returned with the Super-shovel.

"Where did that come from anyway?", Chihiro asked.

"Not the time!", Kaorin said as she plunged the blade into the dirt.

CLANG!

"Dammit!", she cursed as moments later a spray of water erupted into the air.

"Oh my god!", Chihiro screamed.

"That rock!", Kaorin said, pointing to a rather large rock in her mother's garden.

Dripping wet, which may or may not have been sexy, the girls dragged the large boulder from the soft soil of the garden and placed it over the spewing pipe.

"Phew...", Chihiro sighed.

"Great...now we have to find another spot to dump the corpse.", Kaorin said.

"What are we? ...Gangsters?"

"We can always toss him in a pond or river somewhere...", Kaorin mused.

"Wait.", Chihiro said.

"...Or maybe we can bury him in a heavily wooded area."

"Wait!"

"...Or possibly cremate him in the oven."

"WAIT!"

"What?", Kaorin said.

"What if we go see that guy that Madoka lives with. You know, the monk."

"Don't you think he'd get the cops on us?"

"Just tell him that AR was a relative of yours that was a secret Buddhist and his parents didn't approve of it and that's why he wants a proper Buddhist burial.", Chihiro said.

"Chihiro, you're a genius!"

"Umm...so how do we hide the body?"

"I have a big duffel bag we can stuff him in!", Kaorin said.

_'This is going to be a long day...'_, Chihiro thought with a sigh.

------

One would say that Yukari was unhappy.

Very unhappy.

"God damn Nyamo...thinks she can just take over the pool...Grr...", she lamented as she dragged her feet back to her car after being ejected from the pool by Nyamo.

"Bad day, eh Yukari?", said a voice as she was about to unlock her hyper-vehicle.

"Yeah bad day and who the hell are you?", she asked, turning to look at the teenaged boy behind her.

"You may call me...MoFang.", he stated with a grin.

Her eyes went wide. She simultaneously wanted to snap his trachea in two for stealing her car and hug him for giving her a much better car.

"So you gave me this beast, eh?", she said.

"That's right.", he nodded. "I hear you're a little upset at Nyamo right now."

"You got that right! That bitch kicked me out of the pool for having a little fun!"

MoFang sneered.

"Want to have a little fun with her?"

"Eww...Oh, wait. You mean like THAT...", Yukari agreed.

"Come. I will show you the true power of the Yukari-mobile 2.0."

He hopped into the drivers seat as she sat beside him. He cranked the engine and input a series of commands into the main console that heavily resembled the cockpit of an airplane. Way too many buttons. It had taken Yukari 3 hours just to find the A/C.

A cranking sound was heard as MoFang sat back with a malicious smile on his face.

The headlights had inverted and from within the covering emerged something of a set of rayguns.

"Are those...", Yukari began, amazed.

"I call it the Modus Operandi. They fire a beam that administers a shock to the victim. No one will ever block your way again."

"CAN I TRY IT!?!?!?", Yukari practically demanded.

"Of course, just push this button here to fire and aim with this stick.", he said, directing her attention to a joystick that had emerged from the center console.

Yukari smiled in her own sadistic way as she aimed the Modus Operandi lasers directly at Nyamo's behind.

"Now it's time to be a real pain in the ass.", she grinned and depressed the button.

Almost instantly Nyamo screamed in pain and jumped into the air clutching at her rear. Her angry eyes were directed at Yukari's vehicle.

"AGAIN!", she fired once more. This time it caught Nyamo in the stomach, causing her to double over.

Madoka and Kagura ran to the aid of their teacher. All eyes were now on Yukari.

She was about to fire again.

Then Madoka pulled her kendo stick from her pile of clothes.

"Oh, shit.", Yukari said. Nothing scared her like that nut of a girl with her deadly stick of doom.

Madoka ran towards the vehicle with speed she had never seen before.

"Move over!", Yukari grabbed the wheel and practically sat on MoFang's lap until they had switched places.

And thus they took off, roaring away into the distance.

--------

"That was absolutely uncalled for.", Madoka noted angrily.

"I agree.", Nyamo said, recovering from her shock.

"Are you sure you're ok?", Kagura asked.

"I'm fine.", Nyamo said. "Now, I normally don't believe in revenge but...if Yukari wants to play...how about we play back?", she grinned.

-----

"Just one last question.", Yomi said.

"Yes?", said Funari.

"Why do you care so much?"

"I don't like to see friendships dissolve over silly matters.", Funari answered.

Yomi nodded. She was beginning to understand.

"So we can get Mama back now?", Koyomiko asked.

"Yes, let's get Mama back.", Yomi smiled at her daughter.

"So, what's the plan?", Shaun asked.

"Well, we can umm...uhh...", Funari went into thinking mode. She had been so incised over the situation she hadn't had time to come up with a good plan yet.

"Use your wind stuff, Funari-mama!", Koyomiko said.

"Hey!", Funari brightened up. "That's a great idea!", she ruffled the little girl's hair.

Koyomiko giggled happily.

"What will that do?", Yomi asked.

"I have a wind power that can calm those who are angry. If used on those two fighting guys maybe I can coax them into being friends and leave Tomo alone for now."

"Ah!", Shaun said. "I have a fire power that does something very similar. I'll take Collin and you can focus on the other one, ok Funari?"

"Okay.", Funari agreed.

_'This sounds like a shoujo manga gone wrong...'_, Yomi thought.

The group bravely advanced towards the pizza parlour. Now, The Cosmic Codex places a bet that you readers have never heard of someone bravely advancing towards a pizza parlour before.

Regardless, as they approached Funari had one last command.

"Yomi, grab Tomo and get her out of there."

"Gotcha. I'm a pro at that."

By the time they reached the opposite sidewalk they could hear the argument from within.

"You're an idiot!", Collin yelled.

"I should beat you up for that comment!", Luke replied.

"Oh, and you think that would impress Tomo-chan or something?", Collin responded.

"More impressive than you!"

Tomo just stood there. It almost looked as if she was...laughing?

"Go!", Funari said.

With that they advanced into the parlour. Funari held out her hand and let a roiling orange misty smoke encompass the raging Luke. At the same time Shaun let loose a bright yellow flame from his finger that formed itself around Collin.

As the visuals dissipated the boys seemed to smile easily. They seemed to have forgotten their quarrel instantly.

And then Yomi grabbed Tomo.

"Yomi! Funari! And...some guy! What the hell are you- GURK!"

And ran with Shaun and Koyomiko in tow.

"Many apologies.", Funari said with a bow before following the others.

_'Mission accomplished.'_, she thought with a smile.

* * *

**See you all Friday!**

**-Jay**


	4. This and That

**This is just as it states in the new summary. Short stories such as 'A Little Something' that take place in the 'Help Desk' Azu-verse will be put in here. It saves time and space! **

**Don't worry though! All you authors are invited to continue making guest appearances!**

* * *

And thus everything returned to normal upon Earth. The famous authors and friends of the girls all returned to their respective homes.

Funari had returned to America, but promised to return at a later date.

"I'll miss you, Funari-mama!", Koyomiko said with crocodile tears welling in her eyes.

"Don't worry, Koyomiko. I'll come back and visit soon.", Funari responded, going down on one knee to hug the little girl.

"When?", Tomo asked.

"Hmm?", said Funari, looking up from the hug.

"When are you coming back?"

Funari stood and smiled one of her 'I'm-going-to-say-something-needlessly-impressive' smiled.

"Whenever the wind wills me to return; I will once more grace you with-"

"Ok, enough of that.", Tomo said, cutting her off mid-sentence.

Funari just smiled. She liked that about the Wildcat girl; so unpredictable.

"I hope to see you guys again soon.", Funari said with a wave whilst exiting the house.

Tomo, Yomi and Koyomiko waved in return as Funari disappeared down the street.

----

As for Zero, his plot to save the world from evil was not quite what he expected.

"THIS is the evil!?", he shouted in disgust.

"Umm..apparently.", Chiyo responded, fiddling with the machine she held.

"Then why was I asked to assemble all the rest of you guys!?", he screamed in absurd confusion, gesturing at the rest of the crew he had collected over the months.

"I really don't know, but I think it's fixed.", Chiyo said, holding out the gleaming iPod and listening to the chitter of the scroll wheel.

"Looks like it works.", Zero stated.

"Good. Thanks a lot guys.",said the angel that had been standing before them as he snatched the iPod back and flew away into the heavens.

"How was THAT going to destroy the world!?", Zero asked, watching the celestial creature depart.

"I'm not sure...but it's not every day you get a chance to fix God's iPod.", Chiyo said.

A moment of silence followed.

"I bet you have a newfound respect for Osaka, eh?"

"Yes.", Chiyo answered.

"I guess I better take you home.", Zero concluded, his disappointment obvious.

-----

MoFang returned to the U.S. as well, but not before having his own experience.

"I bet you didn't know it could jump like that.", MoFang said, sipping on his McDonald's cola.

Yukari regarded him with the softest, most compassionate eyes she had ever shown anyone.

"Have I told you that I love you?", she said.

MoFang simply gave her a rather odd look before chuckling.

"You're too old for me, but I appreciate the compliment.", he said.

Yukari sat for a moment before thrusting herself across the seat and planting a passionate kiss on MoFang's lips. She once said that she couldn't love a man that didn't appreciate her driving skills. Hell, this guy built her a whole new car!

MoFang sat stunned.

'Damn, she's a good kisser.', he thought.

"I better be going.", he said, getting out of the car and throwing Yukari a salute.

"Catch you on the flip side."

With that he seemed to meld into the darkness and was gone.

'The man of my dreams.", Yukari thought, slouching happily in her seat.

---------

Anime Rebirth also returned to his home in America. Oh..wait, you all don't know! He wasn't really dead in the first place! Please allow the Great Eye of the Universe to explain.

"So...uhh...that's why we need you to bury my cousin, Norio-san.", Kaorin said nervously standing before the monk with AR's bloody body.

Norio regarded the girls with the sunken eyes that showed his age. His eyes registered compassion, regardless of the circumstances.

"I am sorry girls, but I need a death certificate and coroner's notes in order to-"

His lecture was interrupted by groaning that came from the body. Kaorin and Chihiro stared in fear at the apparent corpse as it rose and began to rub its head.

"ZOMBIE!!", Kaorin screamed.

"Huh?", AR asked, turning around to take in the surroundings.

The two girls just let out a loud shriek as they ran into the forest surrounding the monastery.

"Well, that was strange.", AR noted.

"I am glad to see you are not truly dead. I knew that the girls were not telling the truth. I hope they have learned a lesson.", Norio said.

"I'm sure they have. See you later, Norio-san! Say hi to Madoka for me.", AR said before departing.

Norio watched the teen enter the forest.

'He seems very familiar...', he thought.

But his tale does not end there. AR knew that his chartered plane would be awaiting him at the airport so his first stop needed to be at the nearest train station which, luckily for him, was not far away. As he weaved his way through the crowds, that looked at him strangely due to his being covered in blood, he noticed ahead of him a puff of black hair.

And he knew of only one person who had such recognizable hair.

"Hello there Madoka-san.", he said, stepping up next to the girl.

She looked shocked.

"AR-SAN!! Are you alright!?", she asked, trying to find the source of the bloodstains that covered him.

"I'm ok. Just a bump on the head.", he said.

"I am glad to know that you are not seriously injured, but you should see a doctor regardless!", she insisted, leading him to a bench in the station.

"I really am ok, Madoka-san. I need to get to the airport though, my plane is waiting."

Madoka looked saddened by this statement.

"Oh...I am sorry that you have to leave so soon."

AR pulled her close with one arm in an effort to comfort her.

"I'll come back soon, ok?", he said.

Madoka smiled. She knew he would keep his promise. He kissed her atop her head and rose from the bench.

"I'll see you then.", he said as he waved. " 'til next time."

-------

Jacob also returned home, but not before promising something to Osaka.

"With 'Help Desk' back on the air, I need to get going home.", he said.

"Aww...okay. Too bad we didn't get to capture that stinky Sasquatch.", Osaka said glumly.

"But, hey! I promise to come back soon and maybe we can catch him next time!"

"Or a manticore!"

"Or a space alien!"

"Or the Jersey Devil!"

"Or a sea monster!"

"Or Gwynn Ap Knudd himself!"

"Or the Piasa bird!"

"Or...

-------

Even Luke and Collin were able to reconcile before heading home.

"Uhh...what just happened here?", Collin asked as they stood outside the now-empty pizza parlour.

"I'm..not really sure...", Luke answered.

They stood silent for a moment, neither had any words to sum up the situation for to them it was just a smear on their memory.

"Oh, well. It was nice meeting you.", Collin said, shaking Luke's hand.

"Nice meeting you too!"

And thus they parted, walking in opposite directions yet one thought crossed both of their minds.

'Tomo-chan...you will be mine.'

-------

Alas, it was a mistake to say all the events involving the authors were finished. One still continued. That one being James' date with Sakaki.

James unlocked the door to his house. He had bought the house in Japan to be closer to his favourite people; the Azu-crew.

"Nekosa! I'm home!", he called to the adorable, half-cat girl.

The little girl came skittering to the door only to jump into his arms for a hug.

"HI JBK-SAN! I missed you.", she cooed.

Sakaki nearly dropped dead on the spot. Indeed, she almost dropped Mayaa, whom she had brought with her at James' suggestion.

"Look, I brought Sakaki-chan home with me. We're going to watch 'Homeward Bound'. You want to watch it with us?", James asked.

"Yeah!", Nekosa shouted happily as James placed her back on her feet.

"Alright, I'll go set up the DVD.", he said, removing his shoes and walking into the living room.

"Hi, Mama! Hi Mayaa!", Nekosa greeted the two gleefully as she gave Sakaki a hug around her waist. If a camera had been present this definitely would have been a Kodak moment.

"H...hello, Nekosa-chan...", Sakaki choked through her cuteness attack as the two followed James into the living room where all three positioned themselves on the couch facing the television. Sakaki placed Mayaa on her lap where he sat in pure contentment

"There we go.", James said, as the title screen for 'Homeward Bound' flashed across the screen.

James was about to click the selection that read 'Play Movie' when his own cat, a Tiger striped breed, came wandering into the room; most likely smelling Mayaa.

"You want to watch the movie too, Blofeld?", James asked the creature.

Blofeld regarded James with that aloof look that cats seem to perpetually have. Mayaa perched on the edge of Sakaki's lap to get a good look, and a good sniff, at this newcomer.

Sakaki blushed bright red, as if she had eaten a cupful of Santa Fe 5 Alarm Salsa, when Blofeld jumped into her lap to sit next to Mayaa.

"Seems like he likes you.", James smiled.

"I...I...guess...", Sakaki shivered from chronic Adorable Shock.

"They look so cute together!", Nekosa commented with a giggle.

A collective blush passed through the group as they noticed Mayaa and Blofeld curled up on Sakaki's lap together.

And thus James pressed the 'Play' button.

'Homeward Bound' was one of his favourite movies of all time. No matter how many times he watched it, the film always gave him a sentimental feeling deep in his chest; many times to the point of tears. This was the reason he knew Sakaki would love it.

"Go Shadow...you can do it.", Sakaki whispered intensely as she watched the film.

James smiled, noticing that she had taken a liking to the character of Shadow, the Golden Retriever. Indeed, she was so entranced by the film that she did not notice that Mayaa and Blofeld were no longer on her lap. They instead were curled up with Nekosa, who had also fallen asleep, in one giant cat-pile.

The ending of the movie was approaching and James knew that he would not be able to resist tearing up a bit. And that was exactly what happened.

"That was a great movie...", Sakaki mused through her own sniffles. That was when she noticed James crying. "Are you crying?", she asked.

"I can't help it..." James said, wiping away his tears. "I don't know why, but whenever an animal is reunited with its owners in movies, I can't help but break down crying."

Sakaki instinctively blushed. She had never really thought that the man, who had saved her and Nekosa just the other day from certain doom at the hands of the terrorists, was deep down a very sensitive person.

"Um...thank you so much for...inviting me over...and...letting Mayaa stay over as well..." Sakaki said.

They both blushed heavily as they noticed the equation of cuteness that was Nekosa+Blofeld+Mayaa+sleep so cute it should be censored.

"Oh, I don't mind at all. It's nice to finally have some company." James said.

The television screen went black as the credits began to roll in earnest. In the slight illumination the eyes of the two met.

In that moment something clicked. A deep emotion that had been building for some time came to the forefront.

And soon, Nekosa and the cats were the only ones left on the couch. And they slept, unawares of what was transpiring in a nearby room.

-------

It was nearly midnight when Jay tossed the final bill onto the 'Paid' pile. His head hit the desk almost immediately, but he was not tired; he was bored.

He was also stressed due to the immense money loss he had accrued to repair the damages to the studio because, apparently, his insurance didn't cover terrorist attacks.

"But what if the terrorists are martyrs? Is that considered an 'act of God'?", he had asked the insurance representative.

"Not in our book.", the man had answered.

Jay had an idea to clear his boredom and stress. He put on his coat and visited the girls' dressing room for a moment to retrieve something before exiting the studio and heading towards the house he had built to accommodate the girls.

The house (or should it be called a mansion?), was a massive, four-story Victorian style structure; complete with a stone surrounding wall and a wrought iron fence. A beautiful masterpiece, or so he thought.

As he entered, he was happy to have gotten out of the brisk January night and into the lovely, heated foyer of the house. He then proceeded to the first floor living room, where he knew the one person he was looking for would be sitting awake and staring at the television.

Indeed, in the living room sat Wada staring at the television in her pajamas. She had always been a night owl.

Although, this night she sat with a rather disgusted, yet intrigued look on her face. Jay noticed the reasoning behind this when he gazed at the television.

There, upon the screen, were two cows going at 'it'.

Jay was the first to speak.

"Um...Wada-chan...why are you watching this?"

"Oh! Hi there Jay-san. I was just watchin' Animal Planet. Ain't that amazing though?"

"Uhh...", was all Jay could come up with.

"Although, now I feel kinda woozy...", she said.

"Anyhow Wada-chan, will you do me a favour?", he asked.

"What do ya need?", she asked.

"I want you to wear this.", he said, holding out a costume of Belldandy of 'Oh! My Goddess' fame.

"Why that?", she asked.

"I..uhh...just thought it would look good on you.", he blushed as he spoke.

She was about to answer when a knock came at the front door.

'Dammit...', Jay thought as he opened the intricately carved door.

On the doorstep stood a teenager that he easily recognized.

"Hi, Shaun. What's up?", he asked.

"Hi, I was just thinking that umm...Would you mind if I stayed here until next week's episode? I have a surprise planned for Yomi on the show", he blushed heavily as he said this.

"Sure.", Jay agreed quickly, he never turned down a guest. "Come on in. Guest rooms are on the fourth floor. But for now you can watch TV with Wada in the living room if you want."

"Thank you so much!", Shaun said, instinctively hugging Jay.

"You're welcome.", Jay smiled. "I have to get to bed, so have fun."

With that he exited the house, heading towards his own.

"Hi, Wada.", Shaun greeted the girl. "What are you watching..."


	5. Extreme Idiocy and a Date

**Enjoy! And expect a new installment of 'Terra Anima' soon!**

* * *

And thus the time had arrived. In that cool, late afternoon Shaun took Yomi, Koharu, Nekosa and Koyomiko out to Magical Land, the greatest place on the planet! Or at least in Tokyo.

As they sat on the smooth-riding train the little girls were practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. Shaun loved every minute of it.

"I'll make sure we have lots of fun.", he commented.

"I can't wait! I can't wait!", Koyomiko screeched.

"It sounds like it's gonna be awesome!", Koharu said.

"Yeah!", Nekosa agreed.

Shaun looked from the bombastic little girls and over to Yomi, who had been sitting almost completely silent throughout the entire train ride.

"Are you ok, Yomi-chan?", he asked.

Yomi immediately snapped from her reverie.

"I'm fine! Fine!", she said quickly.

"You sure you're ok, Kaa-san?", Koyomiko asked after noticing her mother's rather off-beat answer.

"Yes, I really am ok. I'm just thinking of all the neat things we're going to do.", Yomi answered.

"Ok!", Koyomiko squeaked.

"Ok, as long as you're feeling alright, Yomi-chan.", Shaun said wistfully as he pecked her on the cheek.

Yomi immediately turned crimson. That was the reason she had been being so quiet. She had never gone out on a date before and the only person to ever take her to Magical Land had been Tomo. But Tomo is just her friend. Add the fact that she really did find Shaun attractive and enjoyable; and she was a mess of nervousness and worry.

"We will be arriving at Magical Land station in a few minutes. Please do not forget any of your belongings on the train. Thank you!", chimed the recorded female voice over the loudspeaker.

"Yay!!! We're almost there!!", cheered Koyomiko

"Yes, yes Koyomiko-chan.", Shaun chuckled as the train came to a slow halt.

"Welcome to Magical Land!", said the voice over the intercom.

"Yay!!", screamed the children as they ran from the cabin and into the sunlight.

Before them stood the steel and concrete gates to Magical Land! A brightly lit sign above the gates read the name of the abode they were about to enter. In the distance could be heard screams of glee and the whirr of rides. And the greatest of all the attractions, 'The Silver Bullet' could be seen on the horizon. Japan's fastest roller coaster.

Yomi could not wait. Her inner preschooler was pounding at her insides and needed to come out and play.

"Yahoo! Let's go!", she shouted.

"That's the spirit, Kaa-san!", Koyomiko approved.

Shaun smiled. He was just as excited as they were.

And thus they handed in their tickets and were quickly inside the world of fun and excitement.

--------

...And the rest of the crew moped around the Help Desk Studios.

Jay had just finished having the girls sign their contracts for another two seasons of the show. He knew they would have signed regardless; how many other producers house and feed their employees?

"There. All done.", he said proudly shoving the package of contracts into the mailbox, for they had to be received at the offices of the studio lot owners.

As he walked away he observed one of the more horrifying sights one may ever see:

The Bonkurazuu approaching him; decked out in lab coats and practically dragging along a protesting Chiyo-chan.

"Jay! Hey Jay! We have something to show you!", shouted Tomo, whose unkempt hair made it look like she had been through an explosion or two.

"Ok, but what's with Chiyo-chan?", Jay noted.

"She's part 'o tha experiment!", Osaka interjected.

"She doesn't look too happy.", Jay said.

"I'm not happy!", Chiyo protested.

"It'll be fine, Chiyo-chan.", Kagura tried to soothe the girl.

"Fine!? I should have never agreed to this...", Chiyo pouted.

There was no reaction from the Numbnuts. Apparently, her cuteness-powers were not getting her out of this mess.

"Just what exactly have you done?", Jay asked.

"Glad you asked!", chuckled Tomo with an uplifted index finger. "We, the Great Bonkurazuu, have invented the first cuteness powered car!"

A cheer arose amongst the Bonkurazuu, leaving Jay stunned in awe and Chiyo fearing for her life.

"And...I assume Chiyo-chan here is the fuel?", he asked.

Tomo nodded in assent. But, Jay's fears were still not assuaged seeing as Chiyo-chan was still shaking like a leaf.

"Is it safe?", he asked.

"VERY safe!", Kagura assured.

"Is it fast and efficient?", Jay questioned.

He was met with silence.

"We haven't tried it out yet.", Tomo said.

"Let's try it now!", Osaka pumped her fist.

"Yeah!", chorused Tomo.

"Oh no...", Chiyo groaned as she slunk after the group.

The proud, and rather insane, Bonkurazuu led the way to the loading dock at the rear of the studio. When the arrived Kagura lifted the aluminum door to reveal the garage, wherein was a car unlike any seen upon the planet previous.

It had six wheels instead of the average four, a massive roll-cage enclosing the passenger cabin, and a complicated network of tubes and pipes along the rear; with a space large enough for a small person visible within it.

"You guys must have been pretty bored, weren't you?", Jay commented.

"You bet!", Tomo piped up.

"Let's give it a test run!", Kagura said.

"Woohoo!", shouted Tomo as she hopped into the driver's seat.

"SHOTGUN!", yelled Kagura as she hopped in as passenger.

"Ohnohnohno!", Chiyo droned, her face pale and damp.

"C'mon, Chiyo-chan. Ya gotta power this thing.", Osaka tugged at the girl who plodded along, obviously traumatized.

Osaka then picked up little Chiyo-chan and placed her inside the space within the network of pipes at the rear of the vehicle. She then attacked a series of sticky contacts to the little girl's forehead and arms.

"Ok, all done.", Osaka said, clapping her hands and returning to Jay's side.

"Umm..how fast is this-", Chiyo began but was cut off by Tomo's outrageous scream as she dropped the gas pedal and the vehicle sped out of the garage with a noise like a lawnmower and around one of the other studio buildings.

"I hope the guys in Studio 12 don't see this.", Jay noted, fearing yet another ridiculous Japanese game show.

"I hope they come back.", Osaka commented.

"I'm sure they will. Tomo is driving."

After Jay said this he paused. Looking at Osaka the same thought seemed to have passed between both of them: The only thing worse that Yukari in the driver's seat was Tomo in the driver's seat.

"AH MAH GADD!", Osaka yelled as she and Jay sprinted after the vehicle.

-------

With all the rides and attractions in Magical Land, they didn't know what to do first!

"I wanna ride that!", Koyomiko shouted as she pointed to a ride that tossed and turned about in such a manner that it seemed almost impossible not to lose your lunch.

"Ooo! Oooo!! Let's go ride that!", Koharu said with glee as she pointed to the speedy go-kart track.

Shaun ignored the excited kids for a moment and spoke to Yomi instead.

"What would you like to do, Yomi-chan?"

Yomi paused a moment. With the myriad of people milling about it was difficult for her to concentrate. But, she knew there was one thing she wished to do. She wanted to ride "The Silver Bullet". She had always been scared before, but this time, she was going to do it.

"I want to ride 'The Silver Bullet'.", Yomi confessed with a nod.

This made Shaun smile. He was pleased that Yomi wanted to ride the fastest, scariest ride in the park. He could even hold her if she got scared...

"Yay!! 'The Silver Bullet'!!", Koyomiko cheered.

"I'm not sure if you guys would be let on the ride.", Yomi assented sadly.

"Sure they will.", Shaun giggled. "We have Koharu-chan with us."

Koharu laughed and struck an impressive pose, arms extended upward like some glorious mini-goddess.

"Oh, that's right.", Yomi agreed. Any man worth his...well...balls, would be scared to death of little Koharu.

So, with that in mind, they queued up with the others waiting for their turn on the most exciting roller coaster in Japan.

The line was indeed long, but the expectation of the attraction made it all worthwhile.

"It's gonna be so scary and fast and awesome!", Koharu said with excitement evident.

"Yeah, it sounds kind of scary...but fun too.", Nekosa smiled.

"Yeah!", Koyomiko shouted with a fist pump.

"Hehehe, they're so cute when they're excited.", Shaun said to Yomi.

"Yes, they are.", said Yomi with a bit of a blush. She then turned to Shaun. "Thanks for letting them come with us. That was really sweet of you."

"It's really no problem.", said Shaun with a blush of his own on his face.

Their eyes met, a feeling of pure contentment washed over them. It was almost as if they were the only two people on the planet at that moment. They wanted this moment to never end. They only felt the need to slowly move towards one another...

"Kaa-san!! We're up!", Koyomiko broke into their alternate reality and tugged at Yomi's shirt.

"Oh, wow we are!", Yomi said.

They advanced as the ride worker ushered people into the various cars on the roller coaster. And, of course, their party was stopped by the man.

"I'm sorry, but these girls are too small to-"

He stopped.

Koharu had grabbed his wrist and twisted it slightly. Not enough to break it, but just enough to show she meant business.

"Umm...nevermind.", he squeaked through gritted teeth as he escorted the group to the front seat of the train.

"Thank you!", Koharu said sweetly as they boarded.

"No problem.", the man gave a grim smile back.

Yomi sat stock-still next to Shaun as the protective barriers rested on their shoulders. The little children squeaked with excitement.

"Sooooo awesome!", shouted Koharu.

"You scared, Nekosa?", Koyomiko asked the neko-girl.

Nekosa nodded slightly.

"Just a little bit."

Indeed, one could say that Yomi was even more scared then Nekosa. She had never been on a roller coaster either and riding the fastest one in Japan as her first was certainly a brutal choice!

"Don't worry, Yomi-chan. It will be fun!", Shaun said with a smile in her direction.

She had no chance to respond, for at that moment the coaster rocketed out of the station and immediately up a steep slope.

Yomi's heart raced as the kids cheered with unparalleled glee. The pinnacle of the hill was coming...closer...closer...

Yomi's heart seemed to fly up into her throat as she coaster screamed down the first drop. She cringed against the restraining bars; her eyes closed. She could hear the kids squealing as the coaster went into a full 360 degree loop followed immediately by double-corkscrews.

She felt lightheaded, but at that moment Shaun put his arm around her and all her fears seemed to be a bit more confined. She was able to open her eyes for the grand finale.

The coaster flew up the final large hill and seemed to pause at the top, as if giving the riders a moment to ponder the impossibility of the world's only helixed, anti-parallel roller coaster.

Indeed the coaster flew into the final helix and was rocked back and forth amongst the twisting rails. The passengers were rocked back and forth and Yomi's heart seemed to flutter with contentment and adrenaline as the train pulled back into the station.

As they exited she didn't notice anyone. It was only her; with her messy hair, flushed face and racing pulse. She was loving every minute of it.

"Did you like it, Yomi-chan?", Shaun asked expectantly.

"Like it?", Yomi questioned, a rather insane smile on her face. "Like it!?"

Shaun looked at her a bit oddly. Had the coaster...knocked a few screws loose?

"I loved it!!!", she cried and hugged Shaun; who couldn't help but turn a shade of cinnabar.

"Awww!!!", the three kids chorused.

And the day progressed from there. Although that would be the high point, the rest of the date was filled with fun and adventure as well. They went on many more rides and ate cotton candy and other theme park treats.

They couldn't have asked for a better day.

"I guess they got all tired out.", Shaun commented about the three sleeping children as they sat on the train headed back to Tokyo proper.

"I guess so.", Yomi said, her head leaning comfortably against Shaun's shoulder.

"They're so cute!", Shaun said, almost having a Cuteness Overdose of his own.

Yomi giggled.

"They sure are."

"But not as cute as you, of course.", Shaun said.

Yomi's face went immediately red as she sat there on that train. She had never been treated to a proper 'date' by anyone other than Tomo, but Tomo was just her friend, that didn't quite count. On second thought, let us just say that this was her first date with a male.

And she couldn't have been happier. Shaun truly did make everything as whimsical as a first date could be. She knew what she was about to do was sappy and contrived, but it simply felt right.

She turned, and with one swift motion, planted her lips upon his.

"Thank you.", she whispered into his ear afterwards.

--------

They knew they were getting close when the string of curse words reached their ears.

"Shitfuckassdammit!"

"They must be close!", Osaka said as Jay and her puffed along in the general direction of where the out-of-control Cuteness-mobile would be.

The screams and cursing as well as other unhealthy noises were emanating from none other than Studio 12.

"Oh crap...", Jay mused as they approached.

With a crash and subsequent screams, the vehicle rocketed out of the open front door of Studio 12.

"GAHHHHHHHHH!!", Tomo screamed as she struggled to control the beastly creation.

In the rear, Chiyo-chan was in tears, screaming for her life.

"Stop the car, Tomo-chan!", Jay yelled as a crowd from Studio 12 gathered to witness the scene.

In the crowd was none other than the creator of 'Don't Break the Glass!' and the current renter of Studio 12: Hideki Yamigata.

"Stop the car, Tomo!!", Jay screamed again as the crowd watched the car spinning in apparent uncontrollable circles.

"I CAN'T!!", Tomo screamed back.

"What the hell is going on here!?", Hideki asked, very upset.

"Where's the brake, Osaka?", Jay asked.

"Uhh...I dun think we put one in.", Osaka responded.

"WHAT!?", Jay raged.

"Are these your employees?", Hideki asked another question.

Jay continued to ignore him.

"How long does it take to run out of fuel!?", Jay asked in exasperation at the rapidly increasing tension of the situation.

"As long as Chiyo-chan stays cute...it'll keep goin'.", Osaka responded.

Jay felt his hope plummet. Nothing...not even nuclear warfare and lizardmen could make Chiyo-chan ugly or horrible to look at.

They had truly discovered perpetual energy.

"She just needs to get out of there then...", Jay mused...and then an idea hit him.

"Huh?", Osaka questioned as he approached the vehicle.

"Hey! Stop ignoring me!", Hideki screamed.

But Jay was determined. He walked slowly towards the rapidly spinning car and stopped 50 metres from it.

And yelled,

"CHIYO-CHAN! MR. TADAKICHI IS ON FIRE!"

A screech was heard as Chiyo ripped the contacts from her forehead and jumped, rolled and ran for the studio.

The car immediately came to a halt. Kagura and Tomo sat within, passed out from dizziness.

"Wow, that was easy.", Osaka commented.

Hideki approached Jay, looking not quite as angered as before.

"Hey, buddy.", he said.

"Yes?", Jay questioned.

"I'll waive all the repairs I was going to charge you for the destruction of my studio if you let me borrow that-"

"No."

"But I just-"

"No."

"Oh, come on-"

"What part of 'no' don't you understand?"

"Uhh...well expect a bill in the mail then!", Hideki stomped off; pissed as ever.

"LET US MARCH!", he shouted as all his employees followed him back into the building.

Jay was pleased with himself though. He may have just averted something far more horrible.

----

"Please Mama! We gonna find Funari-mama!!", Koyomiko pleaded.

"Uggh...I don't know if I wanna...", Tomo was still working off her dizzy-sickness.

"Oh, come on Tomo. It will be fun!", Yomi said.

Tomo paused.

"Since when do you talk like that? You sound like me!"

"I just had a good day is all!", Yomi giggled.

"Glad YOU did.", Tomo said with obvious sarcasm.

"Pleeeease Mama!!", Koyomiko said with tears in her eyes.

Even Tomo couldn't say no to that face.

"Do you think he'll really give us time off?", Tomo asked.

"I don't know. Maybe.", was all Yomi could postulate.

Koyomiko didn't speak, she was too beside herself with worry.

'Maybe she got eated by wolves! Or 'ducted by aliens...no, that's Osaka Ba-chan stuff...'

They knocked at his office door and were quickly called in.

"Yes'm?", Jay asked from behind his sparkling oak desk.

"Uhh...Jay-san. You see..uhh...", Yomi began.

"Funari-mama is lost and we gotta find her so we gotta take a holiday to go find her PLEEEESE JAY-SAN!?!?!?", Koyomiko said within a span of about three seconds.

They stood in silent anticipation as he thought and digested the information given.

"Ok.", he said. "I'll loan you my private jet. You guys just be careful and come back as soon as you can, ok?"

"YAY!! YAY!! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH JAY-SAN!!!", Koyomiko shouted in glee and hugged him.

"You're welcome, Koyomiko-chan.", he smiled.

"Gotta go get ready!", she said and bolted from the room, leaving Tomo and Yomi standing there.

"That really is nice of you, Jay-san. Thank you.", Yomi bowed formally.

"Yeah, you really cheered her up.", Tomo said.

"It's no problem, really.", Jay said, and then smirked. "Just don't crash in Siberia or something."

They shared a laugh before Tomo and Yomi left the room to pack.

Many rooms away, Madoka felt a disturbance in the Force. But only for a moment...

* * *


	6. The Expedition

**This all takes place before the episode of Help Desk that I have pawned off to AyumuKasugasRevenge**

* * *

"Phew...", Jay heaved a sigh of relief. Funari and him had been able to charter the last plane to America, with proper monetary suggestion.

Funari sat beside him, arms crossed. Her evident frown made her assessment of the situation quite obvious.

"Uhh...Funari-chan, umm...is something wrong?", Jay asked softly.

Without even turning her head to face him she responded,

"Why did you let them go?"

"Well, umm...They asked so nicely and uhh...Koyomiko...can you say no to that girl!? I don't think anyone can!"

Funari simply gave a short grunt and settled into her seat.

"They had better not be in danger."

--------

"See? I told you that money would come in handy!", Tomo boasted.

"Yeah, yeah...shut it.", Yomi responded as they sat on the bus.

Indeed, they had used the money Tomo had accidentally won in a bar bet to hitch a ride on a motorcoach all the way to Kansas. They had to make use of Koyomiko's English speaking ability once more to get around. Of course they wouldn't admit it, but it did feel a bit discouraging to be shown up by a four year old.

"Where the heck are we?", Tomo asked, scanning the rapidly darkening horizon and noticing the lights of a town nearby.

Koyomiko crawled across the seat and, standing on Tomo's lap, peered out the window as a gleeful smile passed across her face.

"We're close!", she chirped.

"Seriously?", Yomi asked.

"MM-hmm!", Koyomiko nodded her head.

"Wow...we actually made it.", Tomo intoned.

Koyomiko was nearly overflowing with excitement as the bus traipsed through the town and pulled into the station. Tomo and Yomi followed as their daughter happily hopped off the vehicle and grabbed their hands so as to pull them into action.

"Wait...do you know where you're going?", Yomi asked the little girl.

"Yeah! Yeah! I know where Funari-mama lives!", Koyomiko said as she practically pulled them down the street.

-------

"It feels strange being back in almost the same day.", Funari noted as her and Jay stepped off the plane in Kansas.

"Must be.", Jay said as he fingered through his wallet, counting the bills they would need to hail a cab, and hoping that they wouldn't be picked up as terrorism suspects due to their lack of luggage.

Funari began to run as soon as they had passed the security checkpoint. She was absolutely determined to do that was necessary to find the lost family. This was assuaged by the fact that the instant they passed through the doors to the outside, she immediately began to wave her hands frantically, hoping to hail a taxi.

Indeed, one did stop and she hopped inside without a second thought. Jay squeezed in next to her as she told the driver their destination. Jay handed the man a bit of an incentive.

"Make it speedy.", he said.

The driver gave a knowing smirk and peeled away from the curb.

Funari noticed Jay had a bizarre look on his face as he sat back in his seat.

"What's the matter? You look more upset than me."

"Well, aside from the current predicament, I always worry about the rest of the girls when I'm gone..."

-------

"So, are you gonna do it or not?", Kagura chided.

"Gimme a sec.", Osaka said, swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat.

"What could possibly go wrong?", Kagura asked.

"Uhh...I dunno.", Osaka stated.

"You can do it, Osaka-sempai!", Koharu cheered.

This gave Osaka bit more confidence. Indeed she could do it! It always worked on TV after all!

"So...all I gotta do is eat the spinach and drink the 'Red Bull'?", she asked.

Kagura nodded swiftly.

"Wow, this is gonna be so cool!", Koharu giggled.

Osaka took a deep breath and chewed the entire contents of the spinach can in one mouthful. This was quickly followed by the chugging of the Red Bull. Afterwards, she coughed and stood up straight on the ledge of the roof.

"Why dun I feel and stronger? And where are mah wings?", Osaka wondered.

"Don't worry about details.", Kagura noted.

"Maybe we should start with somethin' a bit lower...", Osaka grimaced at the thought of her fall.

"Hmm...you do have a point.", Kagura spoke.

"I dun wanna splatter...", Osaka said.

"Well, just jump from there back onto the roof and see if you can fly.", Kagura said.

"Gotcha.", Osaka said, taking a deep breath and launching herself into the air off of the metre and a half high surrounding wall.

She spread her arms and lay herself horizontal in the air. The air below her seemed to support her weight effortlessly. She cracked a small smile, flying was indeed transfixing. Indeed, there was nothing more that put you in touch with the Universe than being surrounded by infinity.

Well, that was until she struck the concrete.

"Oww...", she groaned as she lay face down on the roof.

"I swear you flew for a second there!!", Kagura cheered.

"You did it, Osaka-sempai!", Koharu hugged the fallen girl.

"All right...", Osaka slurred as she held a thumbs-up.

---------

"Geez, the roads are so damn wide here...", Tomo noted of the American suburban streets.

"And the houses are so big...", Yomi said as she gazed at the cookie-cutter homes.

"It's nice 'round here.", Koyomiko chirped as she skipped alongside them. "Hurry! We're almost there!"

And thus they tried to speed along with the energy-wielding little girl. Even Tomo's energy had faded a bit due to the unnatural amount of time they had been awake for. So, they more or less chugged along behind her as she ran up the driveway of a house and knocked urgently at the door.

Tomo and Yomi panted up beside her as an older woman answered the door. She looked immediate shocked at the sight before her.

"Koyomiko!", the woman squeaked.

"Obaa-san!", Koyomiko giggled and hugged the woman.

"B-but...Koyomiko, w-what are you doing here!?"

"Funari-mama didn't call me back so she's lost and we came here to look for her!", Koyomiko said.

"Well, umm...Funari went to see you in Japan. She left the other day."

--------

"Holy shit! This guy just blew a 2.9!", the officer shouted.

"Yeeahh...", the older officer droned. "Good thing we got you guys outta his cab."

Jay and Funari simply stood stock still, their eyes recessed and shaking.

"W-w-worse than Yukari...", Jay babbled.

"Who?", the cop asked.

Funari, who had just recently broken from her terror coma shook her head.

"Don't worry about it."

"Where were you guys headed? I can give you a lift there if you'd like.", the officer offered.

Jay was ecstatic and Funari immediately jumped into action at this suggestion.

"Take us here!", she yelled, scribbling the address on a scrap of paper and shoving it into the officer's hand.

"You got it.", he responded with a smile.

-------

At the same moment, back in Japan...

"When the heck did ya make this?", Osaka wondered from atop the snowy slope.

"Me and Koharu worked on it all night! Ya like it?", Kagura said.

"Yeah..sure...", Osaka droned in a skeptical tone.

"This is gonna be so much cooler than earlier!", Koharu cheered.

"Maybe...", Osaka said. Indeed, she seemed mistrusting of the sled she sat upon, the slope she was to go down, and the icy rink that lay across what was usually the studio parking lot. Most likely a result of the trauma induced by the experience atop the roof earlier in the day.

"Are you ready, Osaka?", Kagura asked.

Osaka nodded glumly and consumed another helping of canned spinach and Red Bull.

"Ok, here we go!", Koharu cried as she quickly pushed the sled, with Osaka atop it, down the snow slope.

"Eh...Eh...EH...AHHHHH!!!", Osaka began to scream as the sled accelerated quickly down the slope. The wind brushed past her face, giving her cheeks a stringing red cast that belied her true terror. This was idiocy far beyond any bounds she could come up with. But...it tickled her brain...was it possible? When she hit the ramp at the end of the slope...could she truly fly? She had felt it when she had jumped atop the roof. Maybe, just maybe, it would kick in again.

With this newfound hope she spread her arms as the sled took to the air.

Kagura and Koharu watched her take to the sky with smiles and glittering eyes.

Then their eyes followed her down.

------

"Thanks!", Funari and Jay yelled as the police car came to a screeching, almost destructive halt, outside Funari's house. They jumped from the still moving vehicle because who stood upon the doorstep? None other than the Takino-Mizuhara family.

"Tomo! Yomi! Koyomiko!!", Funari yelled as she ran towards her house, tears in her eyes.

They each turned at the sound of their name. Yomi and Tomo's eyes registered pure surprise as Koyomiko's showed unrestrained and indescribable relief.

"FUNARI-MAMA!! YOU'RE OKAY!!", she cried as she jumped into the arms of her foster mother.

"It's ok, Koyomiko. I'm alright. I had gone to Japan to visit you, but when I got there you had already come HERE.", Funari explained.

Koyomiko just wept into her breast.

"I-I thought you were in trouble...so..so we came to look for you..."

"Isn't that sweet.", Tomo commented.

"Hmph...", Yomi huffed. "Should we tell Jay-san that his plane crashed?"

Tomo grinned wildly.

"Nah!"

------

"Osaka-san, you really need to be more careful! And you two...", Chiyo addressed Kagura and Koharu. "You really shouldn't talk her into doing things like that! It's dangerous!"

"We're sorry...", Kagura lamented, her eyes downcast.

"Y-Yes...we're sorry...", Koharu sniffled.

Osaka groaned and sat up, the ice pack that had been applied to her head falling to the floor.

"Ugg...I was flyin'..."

Chiyo threw her arms around her friend and let out a happy squeal.

"You're ok!"

"Chiyo-chan...did ya see my flyin'?", Osaka asked through her daze.

Chiyo was about to answer but Kagura cut her off.

"Uhh..Osaka, you umm..just kinda fell..."

Osaka looked at her as if she had just spoken some form of dire blasphemy against every known dogma.

"How can ya say that? I know I was flyin'!"

"Oh, and you flew very gracefully!", Chiyo spurted out, saving face for Kagura.

"Ah knew it...", Osaka let her eyes unfocus.

"But really, Osaka-san...you should get some rest.", Chiyo suggested.

"That's a good idea...", Osaka warbled as she stood up and walked from the room, her legs wobbling slightly.

There was a moment's pause in the room.

"I hope she doesn't try to jump off the roof now.", Koharu stated.

Chiyo's eyes widened so far it was a wonder they did not fall from their sockets.

"OSAKA-SAN!! COME BACK!!!!"

--------

"So...you're not upset!?", Yomi asked through her astonishment.

"Look, I can replace a plane. I can't replace you guys.", Jay smiled. "Although, I should probably ship out to Russia to retrieve the black box and make sure those who died get a proper burial."

Everyone nodded in agreement. They had quickly chartered the next possible plane to Japan. Indeed, the cost was astounding, but Jay knew that it was all for a good cause. Koyomiko had curled up in Funari's arms and fell into a deep sleep. Even Tomo snored beside them, her drool rolling down her cheek. Yomi and Jay were the only ones left awake on the plane.

"Well, I'm really glad you're not TOO upset. But, I hate that you and Funari had to come halfway around the world to find us. It's our fault...we're sorry...", Yomi's eyes took on a look of penitence.

Jay's former smile turned southbound as he gave the girl a small hug.

"Please, it's not your fault. As they say, 'Shit happens'. So, this is just one of those random life experiences. Nobody is at fault here."

"Ok...", Yomi smiled a bit.

"But,", Jay interjected. "You guys do have to catch up on answering your questions. So, one night we have to do a special with just you three, ok?"

"WHAT!?", Yomi yelled. "AFTER ALL THAT COMFORTING!?"

-------

And thus their expedition ended on a high note. Alas, this is not all that occurred! At this point the Great Eye of the Universe will explain.

_'Heheh...this is perfect! With Jay gone...I can finally slay James for daring to touch MY Sakaki-san!',_ Kaorin brooded as she approached the house of the person in question. She cackled upon viewing the front door. She knew exactly what to do.

"KEEE-YAHHHH!!!", she screamed as she ran up the front walk and catapulted herself in a wicked flying kick towards the front door.

She waited for impact, but that never quite came.

James had heard her approach and opened the door at that exact moment her foot would have made contact, so in turn, she flew inside and tumbled amongst the front lobby.

"Oh, good morning Kaorin.", James said offhand.

Kaorin scrambled to her feet, not bothering to brush off the lint and dust that was sticking to her shirt and pants.

"I HAVE COME TO SLAY YOU!!", she called out with a malicious grin.

"Oh, come now, Kaorin. Why the heck would you want to do that?"

"YOU GAVE _MY_ SAKAKI-SAN A HICKEY!!! GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE YOU DID TO _DEFILE_ HER!!", Kaorin cried, slashing the air in front of her with her arm.

"We didn't do anything too serious, if that makes you feel better.", James said.

Kaorin glared at him, her mouth contorted in a grimace of hate. Why couldn't he just understand her pain!?

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now!", she screamed. The hate in her eyes was unbridled.

"Think of how upset Sakaki-san would be if I were dead and you were my killer.", James noted.

This universal truth hit Kaorin like a half ton of frozen fishsticks.

"DAMMIT! Why must all my plots be foiled!?"

James went against normal safety protocol when someone is around Kaorin and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry Kaorin. Really, you will find the perfect person for you eventually. Sakaki was never into girls in the first place, so it would have never worked, but if you like I can help find you a nice girl of your own."

Kaorin stood stock still and wept tears of anger and disappointment.

"Don't you dare tell me what Sakaki does and doesn't like..._YOU'RE NOT HER_!"

James took a step back from her and regarded her with sad eyes.

"Then ask her yourself. Let her decide who she wants. Me or you.", he said.

"I can't just TELL her!", Kaorin lamented. "What if she rejects me!?"

"Then we will know the answer for sure, won't we?", James said. He couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor girl.

"Fine then!!", Kaorin yelled. "I'll tell her..."

------

* * *


	7. The Grasswhistles

**Blame JBK for the title (XD) It's not supposed to make sense.**

* * *

Jay let out a sigh of deep contentment as he sat in his posh seat in the first-class section of the airliner, sipping at his absurdly expensive glass of Chardonnay. Two weeks; two whole weeks off, some time to himself. He had left the studio in the car of his employees and a few trusted friends. He was positive that when he came back the studio would still be in one piece. Well, that was his hope at least. 

Still, he was determined to enjoy his vacation as much as humanly possible. He had already spent a week in Russia and Finland; now he was headed towards England for what he was told was a special 'celebrity golf tournament'.

What distressed him was how exactly was he, of all people, a celebrity? Sure, he was well known due to his television show, but such could hardly constitute being called a celebrity. Heck, he had no paparazzi following him, no citizens stopped him on the street for pictures. He even had to pay full price for his groceries! Alas, someone must think him important if he was invited to this tournament!

One could say he was excited. He was no Arnold Palmer, but he could play golf. Indeed, here he would be able to show off his 'madd skillz'. At the least, it would be fun.

'Buzz! Buzz!'; his pocket began to vibrate. He hesitated; before every flight one was told not to, under any circumstances, use a cell phone during flight. Thus, he shifted in his seat and decided to peek at the screen to at least see who was calling.

'Tomo Takino', the backlight read.

"Dammit…of all the times…", he hissed through grit teeth. He looked this way and that. No stewards could be seen and everyone else in the first-class cabin was either asleep or engrossed in the latest tabloid. He had the row of seats to himself so there was no worry of an enormous fat man sitting nearby to notice he was about to, gods forbid, use his cell phone on a plane.

He flipped the phone open and placed it to his ear.

"Tomo, what do you want?", he hissed.

Through the amalgamam of screaming background noise, Tomo spoke.

"Jay? What's up?"

"Tomo, make it quick. I'm on an airplane!"

"Oh, well….how do you get concrete out of someone's hair?"

Jay groaned loudly. "I don't know. Ask Chiyo-chan or something."

"Uhh…you see, she's the one whose hair the concrete is IN…."

"For the love of….Ok, Tomo jus-"

The plane lurched sickeningly downward. Jay's stomach ended up in his throat. Screams and mumblings passed between the other passengers. Was the plane about to crash!?

"WHO USED THEIR CELL PHONE!?!?!?", the pilot's voice crackled over the intercom in panic.

Jay snapped the phone closed as quickly as he could. He panted heavily as the plane seemed not to be plummeting any longer. And, wouldn't you know it, it began to buzz in his pocket once more.

'Dammit Tomo….'

* * *

"The nerve of that guy! He hung up on me!", Tomo griped.

"He didn't know!?", Chiyo screamed.

"Nuh-uh. I guess we gotta play this by ear.", Tomo suggested.

"Good idea!", Kagura agreed.

Tomo stood in thought for a moment whilst Osaka and Kagura held Chiyo from running off. The idea seemed good at first…Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

"Let's dip her in lye.", Tomo said.

"WHAT!?", Chiyo screamed, her eyes wide in fright.

"Kay!", Osaka said. "I got some in my room!"

* * *

James had called Sakaki to meet him at his house. This of course, caused her mind to wander to certain things, much to her chagrin. This is not to say she was scared so much as embarrassed. Yet, she was a normal human being with normal human needs; nothing to be embarrassed about, of course. Yet, she pushed those thoughts to the wayside and focused more on her pure curiosity of the situation.

She smiled as she walked; it was not a cold day, it was quite pleasant. She enjoyed nothing more than the natural freedoms the outdoors enabled her to possess. It was definitely turning out to be a stellar day. Indeed, to her, any day spent with James was stellar.

Although she was wrapped in her warm blanket of a world, a voice soon shattered that beauty.

"Sakaki-san!", came the call from behind her.

She knew who it was, so she spun around in the expectation of meeting Kaorin. Indeed, said girl was running like a bitch-on-wheels to catch Sakaki before she got too far away from the studio. She came panting up to Sakaki, her face flushed.

"Yes, Kaorin?", Sakaki asked with a smile.

"S-sakaki-san….I need to..talk to you…", Kaorin stuttered,

"About?", Sakaki tilted her head slightly in question.

"Y-you're going to….James' place….right?", Kaorin asked, her disappointment mildly masked.

Sakaki nodded.

Kaorin froze up. Yet, her mouth kept moving. She needed to speak.

"S-s-sakaki….I need to know…."

* * *

"GAH!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!!?"

"Don't worry ,Chiyo-chan!", Osaka said. "The Internets says yer hair will be normal again in a week or summin'."

"A WEEK!?", she cried, holding her bleach white hair.

Tomo nodded. The lye indeed did remove the concrete from Chiyo's hair, but it also bleached it a shining white. She looked a bit albino, in fact.

"Well, at least the concrete is out…", Tomo chuckled nervously. "…right?"

At that moment Chiyo did bring the wrath of the ancient gods down upon their heads.

* * *

"Oh…my gods…", Jay intoned as he took in the scene around him.

He had arrived safely at the golf course just outside of London. It was a bright, sunny and generally wonderful day for a game of golf. The course was well groomed and the place looked stellar. He approached the check-in counter and spoke with the man there.

"Hi, I'm here to check in."

"Name?"

Jay gave his full name to the man who then flipped through a rather thick binder of papers before coming to a stop and making a check mark. He handed Jay a pass on a lanyard to hang around his neck. It read, 'London Celebrity Golf Tourney 2008'. The man then pointed to another person in the crown milling about nearby saying he would take Jay to his partners for the round.

"Pleased to meet you.", Jay said to the man.

"Ah, yer Jay, eh?", the man asked with a nearly incomprehensible English accent.

"Uh..yeah."

"Right this way.", the man ushered him through the crowd, past a yellow taped barrier and into the 'staging area' where groups were formed.

This is the point where Jay became truly aghast. Standing before him were many people he recognized. No, they were not friends of his; they were celebrities….but a strange form of such.

Immediately he recognized Maurice Gibb of the 70's supergroup the 'Bee-Gees'. Next to him stood the famous author Mark Twain. Both seemed to be chatting with the Queen Mother of England.

Then it hit him….every person in the staging area…every person participating in the tournament…..was supposed to be dead!

He shivered as he was escorted past more odd figures whom looked as alive as they would have been. He even noted the presence of Biggy Smalls and Tupac Shakur.

"Here are yer par'ners!", the escort said, waving his hand toward a well dressed, Victorian-looking gentleman and a robed, long-bearded Middle Eastern man.

They both turned towards Jay, bowed and introduced themselves.

"My name is George Gordon Byron. Pleased to meet you.", the Victorian gentleman said.

"And I am Polycarp of Smyrna.", said the other, robed man.

Jay was speechless.

Very, very speechless.

* * *

"What did you want to know, Kaorin?", Sakaki questioned.

"Umm..uhh….umm…", Kaorin's heart beat deep in her chest, causing her face to flush and her breathing to become laboured.

Sakaki waited a moment for the girl to speak, now used to her strange attacks of hyperventilation.

"Sakaki-san…I need to know…D-do…do…do you…..like me?"

There it was! The confession. It felt as if a thousand mouths cried out in glory; as if a weight had been lifted. Heck, an angel even grew its wings!

"Like you? You mean…romantically?", Sakaki questioned with a slight blush.

Kaorin nodded vehemently, her face a slightly contorted mask.

Sakaki shook her head.

"You're my friend, Kaorin. And besides, I'm not really into girls."

The mating sounds of hornets would have been louder at this moment. Kaorin's eyes seemed a plate of glass, her face was a stock mask that showed nothing worthwhile.

"B-but…Sakaki-san…I love you…."

Sakaki's mouth formed a sympathetic grin. One could not say if it was honest or not.

"Kaorin…I have a boyfriend that I love very much…I truly am sorry, but you will find someone for yourself soon. I promise."

Kaorin turned at that moment and walked away without another word. Her eyes focused forward like another zombie.

* * *

Chihiro had searched and searched and searched and searched, but signs of Kaorin there were none.

"Where would she be?", Josh asked.

"I'm not sure.", Chihiro admitted.

"Well, our reservation is in 20 minutes.", Josh informed her.

Chihiro grimaced. Somone had to go with this guy…Besides, it's not like he was bad looking…

"Look, I'll go with you instead, is that ok?", Chihiro asked.

"I…guess.", Josh said.

"It's better than not going at all, right?"

* * *

Sakaki walked into James' house, still a little shaken up from that talk she had just had with Kaorin.

"Hey, Sakaki." James said with a smile.

"Oh, uh…hey" Sakaki said back, managing a smile. "So, um…you wanted me?"

"Yes, I did." James replied. "Nekosa!!"

That cute little cat girl came running out of the back rooms, and leapt into Sakaki's arms. Sakaki almost fell backwards, but managed to catch Nekosa.

"Okaasan!!" Nekosa yelled happily.

"Wh-what's this about?" Sakaki asked.

"I need you to watch Nekosa for a while, because I need to make some… modifications…to the Help Desk studio." James replied.

Sakaki's eyes went slightly wide. "B-but…my mother…"

"It's ok, Okaasan!" Nekosa piped up. "JBK-san says I'm…uh…hy…hypo…"

"Hypoallergenic." James said with a slight chuckle.

"Right, that!" Nekosa said. "It means I can see Obaasan!"

Sakaki got a big smile on her face.

"So, could you please take care of her while I'm working on Help Desk?" James asked.

"S-sure" Sakaki said.

"YAY!!!" Nekosa yelled. "I get to go see my Obaasan!!"

"Hey…" James said to Sakaki.

He walked up closer, and put one hand on her cheek. Her skin felt so smooth…god, he was going to miss that…

"I love you." James said with a smile.

"I love you, too." Sakaki said with a smile and a blush. "And…I hope that…Help Desk goes well for you."

"So do I" James replied.

The both of them chuckled a little bit.

The two met each other's lips in a passionate kiss, before Sakaki turned around, and left with Nekosa.

"Bye, JBK-san!! Good luck with Help Desk!!" Nekosa called out, waving.

"Bye, Nekosa!! Be good, and I'll see you soon!!" James called out, as the two walked away.

As Sakaki and Nekosa got out of view, James took one more look around his house to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything, then locked his door, and left to head out to the Help Desk studio to make his 'modifications'.

* * *

"Alas, what is the purpose of this silly game when we are all bound by the chains of death…Oh, woe is me!", Lord Byron protested as he stood at the third tee.

"Let us strike the ball in the name of the Lord.", Saint Polycarp suggested in a polite tone.

"Oh, just get a move-on Captain Emo!", Jay groaned.

"Ah! You speak words that strike through my dark heart an-"

"Hit the ball!"

Lord Byron stood at the tee and assessed the hole. It was a par 4 with a swift right dogleg.

Jay stood watching alongside Saint Polycarp. This certainly was an odd experience indeed; made worse by Jay's cell phone.

'_**Poi Poi Peace! Se-no Banzai!'**_

Complete with instrumental track as well.

This having occurred during his wind-up, Lord Byron's club flew from his hands and thus he turned on Jay in a huff.

"By gods! What awful racket thus make my striking of the ball nigh impossible!?"

"Sorry!", Jay yelled and scooted off into the trees on the side of the course to answer it. He needn't look at who was calling; he knew.

"What is it, Tomo?"

Tomo's normally absurdly loud voice could be barely heard amongst the racket.

"Jay!? Chiyo-chan's lost her mind!"

"Need I ask why?"

"Umm…GAH!!"

A massive crashing was heard and the line fell dead. He knew Chiyo would not _kill _Tomo, so all was well. He closed his phone and went to rejoin his companions for his turn was almost up.

* * *

"Chiyo-chan! Dun throw mah couch!", Osaka pleaded.

"AND WHY NOT!?!?!?", Chiyo raged, the fire in her eyes burning with a ravenous light.

"Cuz you'd kill 'em!", Osaka said.

Chiyo panted heavily through grit teeth for a moment before dropping the couch she had picked up with whatever ungodly strength her anger had granted her. Tomo cowered in the corner next to Kagura amongst the ruins of what had once been a stereo.

"I'm…sorry.", Chiyo burst into spontaneous tears.

Gods, it was hard to be mad at such an adorable girl; even if she just terrorized your room.

* * *

"Wow! Really? You actually rode an elephant before?", Josh said in amazement.

His unofficial and spontaneous date with Chihiro was going inordinately well. She had told him about her trip to India last summer and other points of interest.

He was beginning to like her. The same could be said for Chihiro.

"So, tell me about yourself.", she said in a dreamy voice.

"Hmm…", he rubbed his chin as he thought. "Well, I first saw 'Help Desk' at the house of a friend of mine and I guess I kind of…fell for Kaorin's charm…Then, my friend said he could get me to meet her, bought me a ticket to Japan and….when I got to the studio these big guys locked me in a room for weeks!"

"That's terrible!", she said, aghast.

"Yeah, but they apologized…"

An idea suddenly struck Chihiro. Her chance!

"You know that Kaorin…only is into girls…right?"

Josh dropped his chopsticks and looked at her in shock.

"What…?"

"Yeah, she only goes for girls."

Josh shook his head in amazement. He had never…

"Why would AR lie to me? I-I….I just don't get it…"

"Well, she may be into girls…", Chihiro grinned mischievously. "But I'm not.."

* * *

"Ah! That was quite the refreshing game! All thanks to the Lord, of course!", Polycarp announced.

"I actually have to agree…", Jay noted with a nod.

"Alas, my mood was lifted, if only for a moment…", Lord Byron sighed.

"Bah!", Jay dismissed his depressing comments.

"But, it was a pleasure to meet you.", Lord Byron bowed.

"Ah, yes quite!", Polycarp blessed him in the name of God.

"Sorry we didn't win.", Jay said.

"Alas, who can beat that terribly Odysseus and his cohorts, Joe DeMaggio and that..Freddy Mercury.", Lord Byron said with a grimace.

"The Lord must have had his blessings upon them this day.", Polycarp said with a nod.

"Nice meeting you guys! See you again!", Jay said, walking from the course in contentment.

He wondered if anyone would believe him…

* * *

"Are you sure this is ok?", Josh asked, panting.

"Does it feel ok?", Chihiro asked.

Josh grinned and kissed her again.

"It feels ok to me."

Chihiro returned the kiss with passion, hoping to all the gods that no one would walk in and ruin her perfect first make-out session.

* * *

Kaorin clomped her way back into the studio and bypassed everything. All she wanted to do as mope in her room. A few of the office employees waved to her, but she did not respond. Her thoughts were on the solitude of her room.

She mounted the stairs and traipsed down the hallway in a daze. One can sympathize with her shattered dreams. She even fumbled with the doorknob, finding it locked she retrieved her key from her coat pocket and inserted it into the lock. Turning the knob, she entered.

The room was dark and she did not make a sound as she flicked on the light.

"AHH!!", screamed Chihiro.

Thus, all the gods she could think of were at that moment cursed.

* * *

**Thanks to JBK for writing his part of this. (I'm sure you can figure out which part that was)**


	8. X and Y

**Ok, before you begin reading please read this. JBK and I worked together on this. I'm going to give a Mature Content Warning for this chapter (the first one ever given by me!) for the parts JBK wrote (I'm sure you'll be able to tell the difference between my writing and his)**

**With that said, please enjoy!**

* * *

Jay arrived back in Japan near noon on a Friday. He was all smiles as he stepped off the plane. He had gotten to have so much fun during his vacation; cliff diving, extreme ironing, reindeer wrestling, pumpkin chucking, golf with dead people, roller coaster racing, camel hopping, solving world hunger….you know, the basics.

"Доброе утро, Виктор!",(Good Morning, Victor!) he said as he got into the car Victor had come to pick him up in.

"Каким был ваш отпуск, сэр?",(How was your vacation, Sir?) Victor asked.

"Он был впечатляющим! Как показывают идти?" (It was spectacular! How did the show go?), Jay asked.

"Оно пошло хорошо. Джеймс подключено несколько девушек с датами.", (It went well. James hooked a few of the girls up with dates) Victor answered, swerving to avoid a slow driver.

"... Что?",(…What?)Jay asked, taken aback by the revelation.

"Девочки имеют даты. Вы знаете, любители.",(The girls have dates. You know, lovers.", Victor responded.

Jay mulled over this new information. His girls, his employees, had dates? He was aware that Yomi and Sakaki had boyfriends, but who had a lover now?

"Могу ли я попросить кого?",(May I ask whom?)Jay asked of Victor.

"Kagura, Osaka and Minamo.".Victor responded.

_'Osaka….'_, Jay thought. Of all people….But, alas, it is not a crime to be in love. In fact, he felt happy for them. As long as they didn't throw wild parties in his studio, everything would be a-ok!

He engaged Victor is small talk about his trip to pass the hour or so it took to get from the airport to the studio, with the horrible traffic and such. But finally, after what seemed to be an anxious age, they pulled into the parking lot of the studio.

And were stopped by the police.

Before them was a string of police tape that stretched across the entrance to the studio complex. Blue suited officers mulled about within. The officer standing at the gate need not have said anything, Jay was mortally angry. He slammed the door as he stepped out, accosting the policeman with a vicious stare.

"What the hell is going on here!?", he screamed.

"Do you work here, Sir?", the officer asked.

"You're damn right I work here! That's MY studio right there!", Jay yelled, pointing to Studio 11.

The police officer gave him an eyebrow-lifting stare and grabbed a pair of handcuffs from the pouch at his side.

"You are under arrest for conspiracy to murder."

"I'm WHAT!?!?!?!?", Jay shouted in aghast horror as the policeman cuffed him.

At this point, Victor stepped from the car in anger.

"What is this!?", he shouted.

"A woman was killed on national television and we have reason to believe it was a conspiracy.", the officer responded.

"Виктор, то, что в аду он говорит!?", (Victor, what the hell is he talking about!?), Jay growled through grit teeth.

Victor seemed to sweat as he struggled to respond.

"Azami Nekoyasha." ,was all Victor had to say.

---------

"Azami was an evil person! She was trying to kill Sakaki-san and capture Nekosa-chan!", Chiyo argued to the interrogator.

The interrogator slammed his hands on the table and looked the girl in the eyes with a turbid stare.

"So, you're citing self-defence for him now?", the man growled.

Chiyo curled her arms around herself in a protective gesture.

"Y-yes…."

"Too late for that! When we find this 'James Bond' guy, he'll be going to jail for a LONG time!", the man laughed.

Suddenly, the door squeaked open and a taller man entered, whispered something to the interrogator and left.

"Hehe. It seems we got your boss too."

"Jay-san!?", Chiyo exclaimed.

The man grinned maliciously.

"Yep!"

"But why!? He did nothing! He wasn't even in the country for the last two weeks!", Chiyo cried.

"That doesn't matter. We have reason to believe the murder was a conspiracy all along."

"A conspiracy!? You can't prove that!", Chiyo yelled, the tiny bit of anger that dwelled within her was called to the surface.

The interrogator nodded swiftly.

"Oh, yes we can! We found the dungeon beneath the studio. We have reason to believe that this Azami Nekoyasha had been kept down there and tortured."

Chiyo shivered.

"He better get a good lawyer.", the man laughed.

Then Chiyo smiled a bit. She had an idea….

-------------

Madoka sat in an interrogation room of her own, stock still with a calm demeanor.

"I swear on my life I do not remember the incident.", she said for the umpteenth time.

"Don't give me that crap! You were there!", the man yelled at the top of his lungs.

Madoka shook her head.

"I do not remember anything about that episode. It all seems as if I have forgotten it.", she said.

"Pst…sure…", the man waved his hand dismissively.

"I am telling the truth.", Madoka insisted.

Just then another man walked in a whispered something in the interrogator's ear that caused him to smirk.

"It seems we've got your boss.", he said.

"Jay-san!?", Madoka cried out, standing up from the chair.

"Oh, yes.", the interrogator said haughtily with a nod.

"He is innocent! I will defend him with my life!", Madoka clenched her fist in anger.

----------------

"Look, you'll tell us where he is whether you like it or not!", the interrogator yelled mere centimetres from Jay's face.

He grimaced at the spittle emerging from the man's mouth.

"Can I post bail?", he asked.

The interrogator frowned unhappily and consulted for a moment with a colleague before turning back to him.

"Fine…"

An officer held Jay by the wrists as he was escorted into the nearby courtroom where the judge agreed to post his bail at two million yen. He offered to pay his own bail, but that was not allowed. He had to have a friend or relative post it…

With a sigh, the next stop was the phone.

"Funari….I need two million yen. Yes, that's right…They put me in jail! They think I conspired to kill Azami! Oh…you don't have it? Ah…thanks anyhow."

"Zero? Hey, it's Jay….I'm in jail and need two million yen for bail and I can't post it myself so..uhh..Oh, the world needs saving again? Ah..thanks anyhow.."

"Shaun? Would you believe they put me in jail for conspiracy to murder Azami? Yeah, I think it's crap too….I need two million yen for bail though. Oh,….you spent it on WHAT!? Ah…well thanks anyway…"

"AR? I need two million yen for bai-…Oh….No, I don't have anyone else in my basement…ah..fine…"

He hung up the last time, terribly discouraged. Not one person he knew could post two million yen worth of bail….

Suddenly Chiyo came running to him and flung her arms around his waist.

"I heard about your bail, Jay-san! I'll post it!!"

"R-really, Chiyo-chan? You don't have to….honest.." he stammered.

"It's not a problem! I know you're innocent!", she chirped.

He smiled reassuringly at her. He truly did love the little girl.

"Thank you, Chiyo-chan…that's very nice of you."

She giggled and spoke up again.

"Oh! I also hired you the best lawyer I know! He's a good friend of the family!"

Jay was aghast. She went that far….for him?

"W-who is it?", he asked.

She scampered around the corner and came back with a tall, well-built man in a blue sport jacket, a briefcase and a rather odd swept-back haircut. Jay could have sworn he had seen the man before.

"Nice to meet you, Jay-san.", the man bowed.

"Nice to meet you too..umm…"

"Phoenix Wright, Attorney at Law.", the man responded.

Jay immediately fell face-first onto the floor.

"Unhhg…..as if this day couldn't get any more absurd…."

"OBJECTION!", Mr. Wright yelled, finger pointed.

"Umm…we're not even in the courtroom.", Chiyo whispered.

"Hah! Just practicing!"

-----------

With Jay free, at least for the moment, Madoka, Chiyo and himself met at Chiyo's home to discuss what needed to be done.

"First and foremost,", Jay began sipping at his tea. "Where is everyone else?"

Chiyo thought for a moment before responding.

"Well, Osaka-san is on a date. So is Kagura-san, Kurosawa-sensei, and Sakaki-san."

"What about Tomo and Yukari?", he asked.

"They went on some sort of roadtrip to find the best yakitori hut in Honshu.", Madoka explained.

"…And the kids?"

"They went with them…"

Silence.

"Well….I'm sure Yukari wouldn't hurt the kids…."

Images of indescribably terror passed through their brains but they shook them away. Needless worry….

"Yomi?", he asked.

"She's with Shaun-san.", Chiyo said.

"What about Wada, Rachel and them?", he asked.

Both Madoka and Chiyo shrugged.

"I..haven't seen them…", Chiyo admitted.

"Neither have I. Not for days really…", Madoka said.

"Odd...", Jay noted. "What about Kaorin and Chihiro?"

Chiyo gulped slightly.

"Kaorin…is at her home.", Chiyo let out a nervous smile. "And Chihiro is at her own house as well, I believe."

"Something the matter, Chiyo-chan?", Jay asked, noticing her reaction to Kaorin's name.

"Oh, it's nothing….Kaorin is just..sick is all.", Chiyo said with a slight smile.

"What do you mean? Kaorin-san is not truly sick. She is just depr-", Madoka was silenced by a slight jab to the side from Chiyo.

Jay may be stupid at times, but he certainly wasn't _stupid._

"Seriously, what's the matter with Kaorin?", he asked in a solid tone that implied vast concern.

"Well…you see…", Chiyo couldn't tell a lie. She went on from here to explain exactly what had occurred during James' stay at the studio. Everything from Kaorin's confession and rejection to her hate towards James' and subsequent depressive episode.

Jay pursed his lips in concern. He could not let someone he cared for as much as her fall any deeper into despair. He had to go see her… He stood up.

"Where are you going?", Chiyo inquired.

"I need to make sure Kaorin is ok…", he said as he exited.

Chiyo and Madoka stared after him for a moment.

"If I did not know any better…I would say he has what one would call…a 'crush'. Is that correct, Chiyo-san?", Madoka speculated.

Chiyo nodded.

"I believe so."

------------

Osaka walked into a part of the neighborhood that she had never been to before.

"Well, this is…scary…" Osaka replied.

She walked onwards, looking for the address that had been given to her by Victor.

Upon seeing the correct numbers, she walked up, and knocked on the door.

A man, known to all as Fade-to-Osaka, came walking up to the door.

"JACOB?!" Osaka screamed.

"GAH!! You came to my house?!" Jacob screamed back.

…

Kagura walked into a sub-urban area, where she came upon a different house with that address that Victor had given her.

Kagura walked up, and knocked on the door.

A woman with brown hair going down to about her neck answered the door.

"Um…h-hi." Kagura said.

The woman's eyes went so wide, Kagura thought the woman was gonna have a heart attack.

"H-h-h-h-hi, Kagura-san…" the woman responded. "I-i-I'm Cartoony."

"So, u-um…" Kagura got a slight blush on her face. "I-I was wondering…s-since …um …I'm not used to this, but…"

"Are you asking…me…to go out with you?" Cartoony asked, her face gaining a slight blush as well.

"Y-yeah, I guess…" Kagura responded.

Cartoony got the 'super happy look' on her face.

"Mom, Dad, I'm going with a buddy to hang out, I'll be back later!!" Cartoony yelled into the house, before jumping out and slamming the door.

"S-so, um…where do you want to go?" Kagura asked.

"Doesn't matter" Cartoony responded.

"So, um…how about the pizza parlor, get to know each other a bit?" Kagura asked.

"Sure, I'm craving a bit of pizza anyway…" Cartoony responded

"Ok, then…" Kagura replied, feeling a bit nervous.

The two walked down the sidewalk beyond Cartoony's house, then down the street.

About one block away, Cartoony grabbed hold of Kagura's hand.

Both of them got a very deep blush.

…

Nyamo, having the entire day to herself, decided to go see Donna and thank her.

Upon arriving at the house, she was seeing Donna leave.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" Nyamo said. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Actually, I was about to head over to your place!" Donna said with a slight laugh. "I wanted to invite you over."

Nyamo laughed. "Well, sure, I'll come over!"

The two laughed. Donna unlocked the door, and let Nyamo come in.

"By the way, thank you for getting rid of all that blackmail Yukari had on me." Nyamo said.

"No problem" Donna said, as she closed the door.

…

"But…you and I hunted the Sasquatch together!!" Osaka yelled.

"And I enjoyed it!!" Jacob replied.

"But…ah saw you head back to America" Osaka replied.

"Um…well, you know, James came over here, so I figured I would too…" Jacob responded, seeming a bit embarrassed by it.

"Oh…" was all Osaka could say.

A cricket chirped nearby.

"So…" Jacob broke the silence. "You wanna come in? I'm about to watch Mars Attacks!"

"'Mars Attacks!'? That's my favorite movie!" Osaka responded.

Jacob sidestepped to let Osaka in, and closed the door.

…

Sakaki couldn't stop hugging Nekosa.

Truthfully, Nekosa didn't mind. She was purring contently.

After returning to James' house after the Help Desk episode, Sakaki had regained her compose, and couldn't thank Nekosa enough.

What made things even better was James receiving a call from Jessica and Daichi (Sakaki's parents) thanking him for saving their daughter's life.

Daichi even told him now that he knew Sakaki couldn't have been left in better hands.

Truthfully, James had almost cried at these words.

But it was now 9:00, and Nekosa had to go off to bed.

Sakaki carried Nekosa to her bed, laid her down, tucked her in, and kissed her on the forehead.

"Goodnight, my little hero." Sakaki said, before leaving the room.

Which left James and Nekosa in the room.

"Guess I have a few things to explain to you, don't I?" James said.

"Nah" Nekosa replied. "I know that lady was evil, and you rescued me from her."

James just gave a smile. Nekosa was just so innocent and oblivious to the world's problems. The beauty of a child.

James kissed Nekosa on the forehead before he left.

"JBK-san?" Nekosa asked before he left.

"Yes, Nekosa?"

"Can I call you Otousan?"

James felt a smile come to his face automatically.

"Sure you can."

"Ok, then, goodnight…Otousan"

Nekosa immediately fell asleep at that point, Sakaki's tuck-in had been far too good.

James walked out of the room, and sat down next to Sakaki.

"Thank you…for saving my life." Sakaki said as soon as he sat down.

"Hey, like I said, it's what any boyfriend would have done for you" James replied.

Sakaki couldn't help it anymore. He was being far too sweet and kind, after having just saved her life.

Sakaki scooted herself next to James, and as he looked over at her, their lips met, for one of the most passionate kisses the two had ever had.

Sakaki pulled back, and watched James' eyes, as he looked ever so dreamily content.

"Hey…" Sakaki said. "Let's go to your room"

"Meet me there, I gotta go real quick…" James replied with a slight smile.

He jumped up off of the couch, and headed towards the bathroom. Sakaki got up, and headed towards James' room.

…

"So, you're really into swimming, eh?" Cartoony asked.

"Yeah, always have been" Kagura replied.

Cartoony was enjoying this so much, she had completely lost track of time.

Cartoony sighed as she looked at her watch, which read 9:15. She hated how stuff ended like this…

"Well, we should get back to my house, my parent's usually want me back by 10" Cartoony said with a sigh.

"Oh…" Kagura seemed downhearted as well. No one had really shown this much of an interest in her.

Cartoony and Kagura stood up, and slowly began making there way back to Cartoony's house.

…

James headed up to his room, and upon opening the door, was met by Sakaki's lips against his once more.

And pulling back, the two looked deeply into each other's eyes.

Lips met lips again, and the two led each other to James' bed, where James fell on top of Sakaki.

As the passion of lips continued, James felt Sakaki's hands move slowly down his sides to his waist, where they began un-tucking his shirt.

James immediately pulled back.

"S-Sakaki…are you sure about this?" James asked, slightly bewildered. "I-I mean…this seems…a little sudden…"

Sakaki looked up at him, and with absolutely no blush at all, asked "Do you have protection on?"

_Yep, she's serious,_ James thought.

"One minute…" James replied.

Smoke followed James' path to the bathroom, and back into the bedroom, as he almost leapt to the position above Sakaki.

"Sakaki, I'm really asking you now…" James said, sounding very serious. "Are you sure about this?"

Words were not spoken by Sakaki. Instead, she removed his shirt, and threw it onto the floor, giving a little grin as she saw his top half naked.

A little smile appeared on James' face, as he bent downwards to kiss Sakaki, and the two would slowly begin to remove each other's clothing…

…

The ending credits of 'Mars Attacks!' played.

From the light cast on the TV, we see that Jacob and Osaka have fallen asleep, Osaka with her head on Jacob's shoulder, and Jacob with his cheek on the top of Osaka's head.

…

Kagura and Cartoony walked to the front of Cartoony's house.

"Well…I had a really fun time…" Cartoony responded.

"Yeah, so did I." Kagura said.

A moment of silence.

"Well…good night, then" Cartoony replied, as she got ready to open the door.

"Wait!" Kagura said.

Kagura looked around to make sure no one was looking.

"What?" Cartoony asked.

She should have seen it coming. One big romantic kiss from Kagura. Both girls got huge blushes on their faces.

Cartoony's eyes went wide at first, then they slowly closed, and enjoyed every last second of it.

Kagura pulled back.

"Thank you" was all Kagura said.

"Please…" Cartoony said, a totally dazed off look on her face. "…go on another date with me. I want more of that…"

Kagura got that Kagura-grin on her face. "Where's your room?"

Cartoony almost instantly got it. "Second floor, right by the tree."

"Beat you there!" Kagura said.

"Yeah, right!!" Cartoony replied.

Well, Cartoony won the bet. She easily made it past her parents to her room, where Kagura was still climbing the tree.

Cartoony locked the door, and got onto her bed. Kagura got on top of her, and the two would spend hours making out on Cartoony's bed.

…

Nyamo and Donna were in Donna's bedroom already, still making out.

Then Donna's hand slowly crept downwards, into Nyamo's pants.

"U-uh…D-Donna, I don't think I'm really ready for this…" Nyamo replied.

"Nyamo, you ever had sex before?" Donna asked with a sheepish grin.

"W-well, in college, yes, but that waaaaaaah!!" A deep blush came across Nyamo's face as Donna found the 'sweet spot' that made Nyamo squeal.

"How about lesbian sex? Ever done that?" Donna asked.

"N-n-no…" Nyamo replied, in between breaths. That little move by Donna had really caught her off guard.

"Well, then, I think it's about time you learned." Donna said. She pulled the blankets up over herself.

Nyamo's blush became darker as movement went down underneath the bed. She saw Donna's hand come out from underneath to drop multiple amounts of clothing on the ground, then retract.

Donna's head popped back out from underneath the blankets.

"Now, where were we?" Donna asked, that sheepish grin still on her face.

Nyamo would squeal out again.

…

But while Nyamo was having sex, another two were doing it for the first time.

James ran his hand down the side of Sakaki's naked body.

Oh, how it felt so smooth. Like he was running his hand down a warm sheet of the finest satin silk.

Sakaki's face had a blush on it. Though she felt embarrassed about being naked, especially in front of someone, no longer did she care. She knew that this was the ultimate reward for him, and for her, it was to finally calm that slight amount of curiosity as to what the excitement was about it.

The first upward motion caused Sakaki to squeal out. It felt really weird, yet at the same time, pleasurable.

A moment's pause before it began.

Now Sakaki understood. This is what it was all about. The two had their lips locked, while each upward motion sent a wave of pleasure running up Sakaki's body, like riding a roller coaster of pleasure.

Sakaki's heartbeat picked up, as she felt adrenaline running throughout her body. The sensation she felt was a mixture of pleasure, love, and excitement.

The pace began to pick up. Sakaki began to moan with each pleasure wave. He moved his lips downward, and began sucking on her neck, giving Sakaki even more pleasure.

Sakaki's moans turned into squeals. She felt her body getting hotter and hotter…all her body could feel was pleasure…and the pleasure just kept rising, and rising…

The motions now picked up in speed. Sakaki couldn't take much more of this. She felt a tingling sensation building up quickly…

Sakaki's legs went totally numb, she let out a loud squeal, and total pleasure overtook her body, as the two of them finished their actions.

Afterwards, Sakaki lost all energy. It seemed like all of her energy was draining from her body.

James lifted himself upwards for one more kiss with Sakaki, before grabbing some blankets to cover the two of them up, and falling asleep.

…

Kagura would awaken the next morning in her own bed. Luckily, she had gone back to her house when she had gotten tired.

But what a night with Cartoony…she hoped that, in her next letter, Cartoony would set a time for her next date…

…

"Hey, Osaka"

Osaka's eyes slowly opened, as she found herself staring into the face of Jacob, only he was standing above her, and she was sleeping on the arm of the couch.

"Jacob…what'cha doin' utside'own?" Osaka asked, her accent more thick when she was still sleepy.

"Well, we both fell asleep on the couch last night." Jacob said.

"Oh…" Osaka would have almost fallen back asleep, but her eyes shot awake. "Gah!! Mah parents!!!!"

"It's ok, I phoned them this morning. They seemed rather calm. You not coming home must happen a lot." Jacob said as he walked into the dining room.

"yeah, sometimes, when ah'm huntin' aliens and stuff…" Osaka said.

"I made breakfast!" Jacob called from the dining room.

"Yay! Breakfast!" Osaka said, almost dancing into the dining room.

…

Nyamo and Donna stood at the doorway to Donna's house.

"Donna…" Nyamo began. "Thank you so much…for everything you've done."

Donna looked deeply into Nyamo's eyes, and the two kissed.

"Hey, it's what girlfriends do" Donna said after pulling back.

Nyamo left Donna's house, and would have almost skipped her way back to her apartment.

Well, except when she reached the end of the driveway of Donna's house…

"So, what were YOU doing last night?"

"Y-Yukari-chan!!" Nyamo screamed out.

…

Sakaki would awaken in the arms of James. How she felt was just simply amazing. It felt like she had just gotten a chance to spend an entire day surrounded by kittens.

All she could feel now was pure joy. The feeling of her embarrassment was finally out of the way, and all she could feel like was spending the rest of her life with James and Nekosa.

James would awaken. She could feel his hands slowly rubbing her bare back.

_Such smooth skin…_ James thought.

"I love you, Sakaki" James said.

"Please, call me Tanaka." Sakaki said. "It's my first name."

James chuckled a bit. "Ok then…I love you, Tanaka."

"I love you too, James." Sakaki replied.

James and Sakaki repositioned themselves for another kiss, and the two lips were met with heartfelt content.

"Otousan, Okaasan, what are you doing?"

Both James and Sakaki got a deep blush on their faces.

Both of them looked towards the doorway to find Nekosa standing there.

…

Jay walked down the street, hands in his pockets and sighed. He was still nervous from his encounter with the law and now with him about to cheer up the one girl that felt most like a daughter to him….it was as if a caterpillar farm had taken up residence inside his belly.

The feelings he had towards her stemmed from the fact that she deeply reminded him of his own high school self. Awkward, obsessive, a bit angry and depressive. Those days were over now, but he couldn't help but remember them…

He stepped up onto the front partition of Kaorin's home and knocked on the door. After a moment a middle aged woman came to the door.

"Ah, hello there, Jay-san.", she said in a polite tone.

"Good afternoon Aida-san. I was just wondering if I could speak to Kaorin.", Jay smiled.

"Ohh…she said she doesn't want to see anyone at the moment.", her mother said sadly.

Jay frowned and fixed her with steel-cool eyes.

"I just want to help her."

Kaorin's mother cracked a tiny smile and opened the door to let him in. Jay smiled in return.

"Thank you, Aida-san. I appreciate it."

He took off his shoes in the foyer and stood at the foot of a small set of stairs.

"Her room is upstairs on the right.", Kaorin's mother said. "But! If I hear any negativity coming from that room..", she shook an indignant finger at him.

He laughed nervously.

"D-don't worry, Aida-san."

With that he mounted the stairs and walked down the hallway and, as he neared the room, heard the first of her sobs. Such a sound was so hard to take….He opened her door slightly.

"I TOLD YOU MOM! I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE!!", Kaorin growled.

Jay stepped back for a moment but pressed forward.

"I-it's me Kaorin…I'm here to help you…"

"Go…away…", she hissed with malicious eyes.

Kaorin's mother had peeked into the room and gave her daughter a look of pure concern.

"Please let him try, Kaori."

Kaorin growled again.

"Fine…"

Jay smiled at her and her mother before closing the door and walking over to the bed to sit beside her.

"So…you want to talk about it?", he asked, wringing his hands.

"No.", Kaorin grunted, burying her tear-stained face in a pillow.

"Ok….", Jay sighed.

A moment passed before Kaorin spoke, her voice muffled by the pillow.

"Why does she have to love him..?"

Jay sighed. He knew this would be hard to say.

"Because he's a sensitive and kind person. It's really very hard to find someone like that who will save your life…..twice."

Kaorin removed her face from the pillow, her tears flowing anew.

"Why the hell did I freeze up!? I could have attacked Azami and killed her!! But no…I…I…", her tears clogged her speech.

Jay shivered a bit. Here was a person he cared for deeply in her deepest pit of misery. He knew what he had to say, no matter how much it pained her to hear it. The wound needed to heal.

"Kaorin, I think the reason you froze up is that fate was telling you something…"

"What?", Kaorin managed to choke out.

"That you and Sakaki-san…were not meant to be together."

In an instant she had him by the collar; her burning eyes bored deep into his psyche.

"TAKE THAT BACK! We were ALWAYS meant to be!!"

Jay regained his composure and spoke.

"Then why was James chosen over you?"

Kaorin gave him one last, lingering stare of anger but her resolve was breaking; that could be seen by her quivering jaw and the tears welling in her eyes once more.

"DAMMIT!", she cried, bursting into uncontrollable tears.

Jay's heart sank, but he knew what he had to do. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. She wept deeply into his shoulder. He rubbed her back up and down in an honest effort to comfort her. He wanted to burst into tears himself.

After a few minutes of hard weeping she pulled away to grab a tissue, which she used to daub her eyes and blow her nose.

"T-thank you…I needed that..", she said, throwing the tissue in the waste bin. "But….why does Sakaki-san need to love him…?"

Jay smiled at her, a slight blush crossing his face.

"Because he loves her back.", he said.

Kaorin sighed.

"Why can't someone love me….?"

Jay scooted across the bedsheets and sat directly beside her, lifting her chin with his index finger to look him in the eyes. He stared back with an austere look upon his face that emitted only compassion. The blush that spread across her face seemed to confirm that she noticed this.

"Kaori..I love you."

Kaorin stared back; speechless for a moment.

"You..l-love..me?"

Jay nodded.

"Of course I do.", he said. "I know that your angry exterior is put forth by low self-esteem that runs deep. But, under that lies a lovely individual that is loyal and kind."

The feeling of misery that had been dwelling within her for seemingly the longest time was dispelled upon knowing that indeed, someone loved her. Expressing this outwardly, she wrapped her arms around Jay and hugged him tightly.

"You're such a liar.", she smirked.

Jay chuckled and run his fingers through her hair for a minute before she spoke.

"Jay-san….", her face was a mass of blushing red. "…do you want to…"

Jay shushed her with a finger.

"How about we go to dinner after this week's show. Just you and me.", he smiled.

"That sounds nice.", she giggled.

"But for now, I have to go. I have all sorts of business to take care of…sorry….Kaori.", he smiled.

He stood up and walked towards the door, but was stopped halfway by her pulling at his sleeve, turning him around and planting a passionate kiss on his lips. Stunned as he was, he let her have her time.

"Um….K-kaorin….err…", he blushed deeply.

"Don't worry about it.", she said. "Just between you and me."

A smarmy grin followed.

"Okay….", Jay droned in shock as he exited.

He was stopped at the bottom of the stairs by her mother who smiled at him.

"Thank you for helping my Kaori.", she said.

"It really was no problem.", he said. "I'm just glad I could help."

With that he exited the house into the road to face down his own problems.

The ominous call of "OBJECTION!" was heard in the distance…..

* * *

Author's notes: So there we have it!! A bit of fun for everyone!!

I seriously enjoyed writing this, and I hope to write it again, but for now, I must get back to my own fic.

See you guys later!!

-JBK2K1

* * *

**It's Jay now. Okay, yes this one was a bit...different, but me an JBK worked together on this and he really wanted to add those...'parts' so I allowed him to. I hope you all weren't put off by them. **

**Look forward to more 'Help Desk' craziness soon!**

**-Jay**


	9. Operation Break Needless Things

**Sorry for the long wait!!**

* * *

It was a fine spring day at the Help Desk Studios. Indeed, the day was perfect for raiding the lair of an underground porn ring. That was the plan for the day; to destroy the strange and sick people that were publishing porn starring the precious girls, and not just the common ones either.

JBK had arrived at the studio the day after the show and proceeded to present examples of said pornography.

"And here we have one featuring Madoka-san and Rachel-san.", he said, holding up a hand-drawn example.

"GAH!!", Rachel spat, disgusted at the sight.

"By the spirits!", Madoka said. "I look nothing like that!"

Tomo regarded the picture and turned back to Madoka.

"I think it's pretty accurate."

"Bah!", Madoka sat back in her seat, taking a deep breath to calm herself.

"Exhibit two.", JBK said, holding up an image of Sakaki and Kagura in a rather compromising position.

"WHAT!?", Kagura exploded, slamming her hands on the table.

Cartoony wiped away her nosebleed before formulating her own response.

"What evil force could have done this!?"

"Glad you asked!", JBK said, pulling out a large folded blueprint on a building along with some photos of the exterior. Tomo picked up one of the photos and examined it closely, grimacing at the sight.

"Why does it look like a-"

"Don't even ask.", Yomi reprimanded.

"Our best bet is to sneak in through the ventilation system.", JBK noted, pointing to a series of labeled lines on the blueprint.

"I've always wanted to do that!", Tomo screamed, pumping her fists in the air.



"Why do we have to go through the vents? Don't all infiltrating spies do that? You'd think evil bastions of darkness would find a new method of ventilation by now…", Jay said.

"Well, we could go in the back door. They leave it unlocked to let the dog out.", JBK said.

"They have a dog?", Chiyo asked.

"Indeed. It happens to have seven heads and twelve legs though.", JBK answered.

"You know,", Jay said, leaning back in his chair. "We can't ALL go…that would be way too obvious."

JBK nodded. "Very true. We have to form a task force."

"I will go!", Cartoony announced, thrusting her hand into the air.

"I shall as well!", Funari said.

"I must defend my honour!", Madoka said.

"Me too!", said Rachel.

"I'll kick their asses!", Kagura grinned.

JBK nodded in contentment. "One more…How about you, Jay?"

Jay stared back at him with narrowed eyes of cynicism.

"I don't want to get arrested again. There is NO way I'm going and taking down an evil organization while I'm out on bail…."

* * *

Jay stood with the group overlooking the terrible basalt citadel of the organization. Lightning struck in the distance illuminating the night sky around the crag of a mountain the base castle was located upon.

"I can't believe you convinced me to come…", he sighed.

"How do we even get down this cliff?", Kagura mused, peering over the edge at the jagged rocks below.

"This.", JBK said, holding up a very advanced looking grappling hook. He aimed it into the distance and pulled the trigger, sending out a hook trailing a rope that connected with a rock near the east edge of the bastion compound. He tied the other end around a rock close to them.

"Woah! Where the hell did you get that from!?", Kagura said with unrestrained excitement.

"Q supplies me well.", JBK replied with a smarmy grin.

"Yes, but….how do we use it?", Cartoony asked.

"Umm…use it like a zip line..just throw a jacket or something over it and slide down….", JBK responded.

"I go first!!", Kagura said, tossing her blue windjacket over the line and jumping off the cliff.

Everyone watched with baited breath in case she plummeted to her untimely doom far below. In fact, she did not plummet and die; she made it to the far end unscathed.

"Hey, that looks like fun!", Cartoony said, taking off her own green jacket and sliding down the rope. Kagura caught her at the far end, causing her to blush profusely. Luckily, no one else was around to see it.

"It appears I should go next.", stated Funari before using her own famous red jacket to slide down the cord.

JBK followed her, tossing his suit jacket over the cord and sliding down in that manner.

Jay gulped, he hated heights. He turned to Madoka and Rachel with a nervous grin.

"Y-you guys can go first….", he said.

Madoka stared at him and nodded knowingly.

"Of course.", she stated before running at full tilt towards the edge of the cliff and jumping off with a great leap that sent her soaring, yet she landed safely near the others. Jay assume that must be due to her strict training regimen.

Rachel followed Madoka, sliding down the cord using her sweater slung over the rope.

Then came Jay's turn. He was the last remaining and he gulped down a frog in his throat which he was sure let out a 'ribbit' as it went down. He stepped towards the suspended cord, gazing at the craggy rocks below. A bolt of lightning flashed, casting the rocks into an ominous shadow. He then looked to his friends gathered below, smiles and reached for the cord.

It was too late when he realized he had nothing to slide down it with.

"OWW!! OWW!! WHAT THE HELL!!", he screamed in agony as he slid down the cord, gripped only by his hands. The skin on his palms wore away until he could hold on no longer.

Screaming, he plummeted towards the rocks. He prayed to every god there was that he would not become a kebab.

'What a fitting end..', he thought, not noting the absurdity of that statement.

They others watched as he fell out of sight, behind the pinnacled rocks. In unison, they ran towards where he had fallen; Funari was the first to reach the area due to her super-awesome wind speed. She peered over rocks, noting a deep chasm behind them.

"I think he…fell in there..", she said in a tearful tone.

"Oh no!", Cartoony said, covering her mouth with her paws in shock.

JBK sniffled and wiped his eyes. "Dead…"

Madoka shook her head.

"No…he is alive. I can sense his lifeforce."

"R-really!?", said the group in shock.

Madoka nodded again.

"We should go get him!!", Kagura suggested.

JBK shook his head sadly. He hated to tell them this…

"No….as sad as it may seem; that would only cause more trouble. It would compromise our mission. In fact, the longer we loiter out here, the greater chance we have of being spotted."

The rest of the crew gazed at the ground sadly. His words did have power.

"I will go find Jay-san. The rest of you may enter the castle. You do not need me.", Madoka said.

"B-but we do!", Rachel pleaded.

"No…please. Go along.", Madoka said moments before she vaulted over the rocks and descended into the chasm.

All was silent for a moment save for the striking of lightning in the distance.

"Shall we move on?", Funari suggested.

* * *

Back at the studio Koharu was bored, absurdly bored, so bored she could feel the clock ticking. She needed to do SOMETHING. Her Kaori-kaa-san was too bust with schoolwork to take her anyplace and the other children were out with their own parents. She felt lost and fidgety. Thusly, she wandered the halls, opening random doors and playing for a few moments with the revolving door in the lobby before becoming bored once again.

"I gotta find something to do…", she muttered.

Wandering again, she found a door she never had noticed before.

"Hmm…I wonder what this is..", she asked herself before turning the knob and looking down the darkened stairs. Jumping up with all her might she managed to flick on the light switch. She gazed down the now-lit stairwell, noting a large amount of cardboard boxes sitting on the floor below.

"Maybe I can see what's inside…", she said, traipsing down the stairs.

Upon reaching the bottom and clambering over a set of boxes, she came face-to-face with a man she would dub her 'Arch-Nemesis'.

"SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!!", the blue spandex-clad man called out to her.

"Huh?", came Koharu's confused response.

The man stepped back and made a beckoning motion with his hand.

"COME ON!", he yelled.

"What? Who are you?", Koharu questioned.

Alas, Captain Falcon had no patience for this little girl. He reared back his fist.

"FALCON PUUUNNCHHH!!"

"Woah!", Koharu cried as the flaming punch barely missed her as she rolled off the stack of boxes.

She stared idly at him in a terribly confused state. Yet, she knew what needed to be done. She stood and cracked her knuckles, grinning.

"You wanna take me on?", she said.

"YES!!", Captain Falcon shouted, kicking the air in front of him.

"Bring it on!", Koharu roared, launching herself through the air and laying down a wicked punch to his facemask.

"Oh! Dayum!", Captain Falcon recoiled from the blow and returned with a low sweep that sent Koharu flailing across the room and into a pile of boxes, old clothing and wires tumbled all over her supine form.

With another roar of anger, Koharu thrust the offending boxes and their contents away, running toward him, her fist reared back and ready for action.

Captain Falcon mirrored her movements, running towards her and pulling back his own fist.

"FALCON….

"BIG….

"PUUUNNCCHH!"

"BAANNGG!"

The two flaming fists connected and created what could be known as a Zero Point Universal Complex. Even the Great Eye of the Universe gave a cosmic 'WTF?' at the situation.

Time warbled, space shattered and all was a bloom of flame…

* * *

"Unng…what the hell is this?", Jay groaned as he sat up in the darkness, his limbs rising out of some sort of sticky, foul smelling substance. He looked around and saw nothing but the darkest of dark places. He began to breathe heavily; hyperventilate, if you will.

"I believe this is some sort of disgusting sewage repository.", came a voice from the darkness.

"WAHH!!", he cried. "Madoka? Is that you?", he asked.

"Indeed.", she responded.

"Where..are you?", he asked, groping through the darkness and grabbing hold of things that a civil person should not need to grab hold of.

"Here.", she said, seeming to effortlessly locate him and pull him to his feet.

"Thank you….have you..uhh...located a way we could get out of here?", Jay asked, his head still throbbing.

"There is a door we can enter that I believe will lead into the castle.", she said, directing him towards a large metallic door.

"How the heck did you find this in the dark?", Jay questioned in awe.

"The rock told me.", she responded ethereally.

"….Okay."

"I believe if we push it should open.", she instructed Jay to push along with her and indeed the door did slide open slowly, exposing a sparsely lit hallway surrounded by piping.

"Must be the maintenance tunnel for the sewage system…", Jay mused.

"Indeed.", Madoka agreed. "We must move quickly and silently."

Jay gave a nod as a silent response as Madoka held her shinai in one hand and pulled him along with her other. Soon they came to a split in the hall. Looking down to the right they spotted a 

group of gray-clothed individuals talking amongst themselves, four of them in all. Madoka silently dragged him in the opposite direction.

"Do you..even know where you are going?", Jay questioned quietly.

"Up.", was all she said as she swiftly pulled open another door and hopped up the stairwell within. Coming to the highest landing of the stairwell, she bid Jay stay quiet as she pulled open another metal-shod door and peered within.

"By the spirits…", she whispered in awe.

"What is it?", Jay asked. "Is it Satan?"

In response, Madoka swung the door open to reveal a large room filled with rumbling and clattering machinery. Paper could be seen flitting through the machines like amorphous ghosts.

"This is…", Madoka began.

"The printing room…", Jay finished.

Madoka rubbed her chin in thought for a moment before coming to a conclusion.

"If we can disable the machines…it would create a great distraction so our companions can finish off these heathens….as well as cutting their systems."

"Good idea!", Jay said. "but how the hell are we supposed to pull that off?"

"There must be a power cord around here that we can disable…", she said, sneaking silently into the room and under a catwalk, her shinai at the ready.

"I don't know if-", Jay was cut off as Madoka pulled him into cover behind a clanking beastly machine, covering his mouth while two gray-clothed men wandered by.

"We must be careful.", she said.

Jay nodded in assent.

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of the castle, the other group of 'Help Desk-ers' were moving forward in their own manner..

"GYAHH!!", Kagura shouted as she shattered the ribs of one man with a single blow.

"HI-YAH!!", Cartoony slaughtered a man with her claws, slicing across his chest.

JBK kicked the last man in the face, blowing him back into the wall.

Kagura panted heavily and laughed. "Serves them right!"

Funari nodded, walking away from the hole which she created by blasting a man through the wall.

JBK nodded them onward, advancing through a gated door and into a room replete with stairs leading upwards toward a very grim looking door etched with myriad demons and angels.

"Geez…could it get any more epic?", Rachel noted.

Just then a group of ten men advanced from a room attached to the catwalk above, aiming automatic rifles down at them.

"You have one chance! Surrender or die!", cried the leader of the squad.

"Dammit..", droned JBK.

"Outnumbered..", growled Funari.

Just then, as if Providence had shined down upon them at that moment, Jay and Madoka came tearing into the room from their right, quickly followed by a dense plume of smoke and flame which stunned the soldiers for a moment.

"Go!", JBK commanded. The group followed suit, following him into the melee that ensued.

"RAWR!!", Cartoony clawed one man to the ground before tripping up another with her tail.

Funari managed to lift two men into the air with a swirl of her wind energies and toss them across the room, screaming as they fell.

JBK pistol whipped one soldier, spraying blood across the catwalks before turning and facing down a man who was leveling his rifle at Cartoony's back. He had to respond quickly. He had to do what he hated.

He took aim and shot the man between the shoulder blades. He fell forward in a heap. JBK took a moment to sigh in sadness; he hated having to kill, regardless of the person.

Madoka had already taken care of two men in a double stroke of her shinai, slamming against the larynxes of the two men and causing them to choke.

Jay cowered in a corner, terrified to death of danger and blood.

Only the leader was left; a large black man who was now screaming shrilly. Funari captured him within a column of green wind which trapped him in place. JBK approached him and shoved his pistol under the man's chin, grinning evilly at him.

"Who runs this damn place?", JBK asked.

"Like I'd tell you.", the man spat.

"Look…", JBK said. "That girl with the sword will rip you a new mouth-hole if you don't start talking now."

The man grimaced and spoke.

"Let me outta here and I'll take you to him."

"Okay….but one false move and I won't hesitate to let her give you a second anus."

Funari then lowered the wind shield and the man advanced toward the gracefully etched door with JBK's pistol planted in his back.

The man then inserts a keycard into the door and it slides open with a sound not unlike a heavenly chorus of angels. Each member of the party took on a different countenance of confusion as they walked into quite the resplendent room. Decorated in a Romantic style, angels and demon gargoyles adorned the walls and there was a fountain in the center of the room. Two plush chairs sat at the far end of the room. The contents of each caused the group to gasp.

"SAKAKI!!", Cartoony cried.

Indeed, in the left chair sat Sakaki, or at least a person that was a carbon copy of her. Dressed in a Romanesque toga, she looked beautiful with laurels in her hair.

In the other chair sat a maliciously grinning Bill Gates.

"YOU BASTARD!!", screamed Kagura.

"Yes, indeed!", Gates cackled, standing up from his chair. "This is the true Sakaki!", he cackled again.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!!", JBK growled.

"MWAHAHHAH!! FOR I AM A GENIUS!! My clone has worked wonders!", he grinned. "You fools never even noticed the Sakaki you know is nothing but a fake!"

Cartoony, not able to contain herself any longer, growled in anger and catapaulted herself directly at the man.

"No, Cartoony!", JBK warned, but he was too late.

Bill Gates deflected her first attack with a laptop running Windows XP.

"GAH!", Cartoony growled.

Funari approached her. "Cartoony! Please allow me to assist!"

"NO!", she called back. "This is MY fight!"

"Face me!", Gates said, unsheathing two enormous USB sticks.

"GYAHH! GIVE ME BACK MY SAKAKI!", Cartoony growled, flying at him in a flurry of claws and teeth.

He managed to fend off her first strike, but the attacks kept coming and he could not stop all of them.

"AH!! AHH!", he cried out, his face and arms slashed. She pushed him closer and closer to the large glass window behind the thrones; the lightning outside flashing ominously.

"DIE!!", she cried out in anger.

He began to laugh through his pain, pulling out a small remote.

"IF I CANNOT HAVE HER, NO ONE WILL!", he called out, holding the remote on high.

"NOOO!!", cried out Funari and JBK simultaneously.

"MWAHAHHAH!!", he cackled, his finger inching closer to the button.

"I don't think so.", came a voice from behind him.

He turned in shock to see Jay standing there, holding a red and white ball.

"W-WHA!?", was his last cry before he was turned into pure light and absorbed into the ball.

Jay laughed slightly. "Pokeballs for the win…."

"Sakaki! Sakaki!", Cartoony yelled, running over to the girl who was catatonic and bolted down to the throne by her ankles and wrists.

JBK looked on sadly, he knew that his love was misplaced. His Sakaki was never real. As they unstrapped the girl and planned a route out, he knew he would have to 'make nice' with the real Sakaki; love or otherwise.

* * *

"It's good to be home…", mumbled Jay as they rode in a special armoured car driven by Victor. Sakaki had begun to talk half-way through the ride, albeit quietly. She told of her capture for nefarious purposes and how she was exploited by those evil men for their terrible purposes.

They parked outside the studio walls. Kagura took Sakaki's left arm; JBK her right and helped her walk. They turned the corner into the studio compound itself just in time to see a man in blue tights come barreling out of the gates, screeching like a little girl.

"Captain Falcon!?", JBK said in awe.

"EEYAHHH!!", Captain Falcon screamed. "THAT CRAZY GIRL TORE OFF MY FALCON WEENER!"

He then ran off down the street, holding his private area.

"Oh, I can't wait to see this…", Jay droned with a sigh as he turned into the compound.

"AHHHHHHH!! WHY!? WHY, DAMMIT, WHY!?"

* * *


	10. Someone Has to Go!

**Now you shall finally find out what happens to the false Sakaki! One part was written by JBK..I'm sure you can figure out which part that is. Enjoy!**

* * *

Three days after the raiding of the Porn Palace, the Sex Citadel, the Lair of Lechery; whatever you wish to call it, Sakaki felt fit enough to go with JBK to face down her accused 'false' clone. I'm sure you all want to hear that tale, right? Well, hold your horses! Other stuff happens too, you know!

Anyhow, after such a rousing rescue, rest was certainly required. Jay had taken Madoka out for lunch that day and as they sat in that lovely restaurant they discussed what is to become of the two Sakakis.

"Do you believe JBK-san will actually kill her?", Madoka asked after properly placing a dumpling in her mouth, chewing the required amount of times and then wiping her lips.

"After what he's gone through, I wouldn't put it past him.", Jay said through a mouthful.

"I do not believe death is actually necessary.", Madoka supplied.

"What would you suggest?", Jay asked, his eyes instinctively scanning the road outside the restaurant window.

"Exile. A simple alternative.", Madoka said.

Jay nodded. "I can agree with-"

At that moment he felt a strange rumble pass through the restaurant. It seems as if the other patrons felt the same, seeing as they all looked up. A large truck had not passed through the area, only small cars. It did not feel like an earthquake either, seeing as it only lasted a moment.

"Did you…", Madoka began before her cup of tea registered another set of ripples.

The rumbling came in a discernable pattern as shown by the rippling of her tea cup. The quaking increased in intensity, causing the customers to begin to panic. It certainly wasn't an earthquake.

"What the hell is it..?", Jay wondered out loud, beginning to worry.

"I do not….BY THE SPIRITS!!", Madoka screamed in terror for the first time Jay could remember.

"Wha- WHAAA!!", Jay screamed as he looked out the window just in time to see a massive metal head that gazed at him with leering Plexiglass eyes.

An enormous metal hand reached down and waved ominously.

"Hey there, Jay! Like my new ride!?", came the booming female voice of the robot.

This terrified Jay even more, for it wasn't just any female voice. It was Yukari.

"FUCK!", Jay screamed, tearing outside and gazing up at the ten story enormous construction.

"Yukari!! Do you have any idea how fast the cops are going to be here!?", he called up to the crazed woman in her mobile suit.

"….So?", came the rumbling reply.

By this point there was quite the crown surrounding Madoka, the mech, and him. And he was losing his patience with her stupidity.

"At least get back to the studio so we can store it out of sight!", he said in English to lower the possibility that the assembled group would understand him.

"Gah! You're no fun….", Yukari said, clomping away down the road, leaving massive holes in the pavement.

The crowd from the restaurant was now looking at him with mixed displays of terror, confusion and simple dismay. In an effort to reconcile himself, he did what any good scholar would do.

He danced.

"A-ya da da da da!", he sang as he pranced about.

This simply brought more absurd stares.

"Jay-san, I believe we should vacate the area.", Madoka suggested.

"Good idea…", he responded.



--

Koharu had once again decided to head down into the basement room where last time she found Captain Falcon which thus resulted in an epic battle, a giant hole burned through the roof of the studio and her subsequent removal of the Falcon Piece.

"At least there's no weirdos down here now….", she said as she gazed at the assemblage of cardboard boxes.

"Wonder what's in here…", she mused as she rummaged through a box that was nearly as tall as her. She was excited when she first pulled out a set of brass knuckles, but was rather put off when the next object she pulled up was a skull.

"Ick..", she said, dropping the items back into the box. She moved on to the next, which was slightly smaller.

"Hmm…what's this?", she questioned as she pulled out a smaller box that read 'To: Jay From: Marilyn'.

Opening it she pulled out a long white dress.

"Err….", she droned and placed the box to the side. She reached in again and immediately puller her hand back as it was stung by something hot.

"Owww….", gazing within she spotted nothing less than a lit candle. That seemed rather absurd to her, yet next to it sat a vial of a bubbling green liquid that looked quite ominous.

"What does he do down here…?", she wondered, but moved on to the next box, which was the smallest in the room. It had a red line running around the perimeter and it happened to be upside down, with no opening visible to her.

"Curiosity overcame her like an acute sickness and she overturned the box with her foot. Inside was not a set of golf clubs or even a brand new computer; instead it was an unshaven man in black with a headband that seemed far too long.

"Yer dead kid!", he said, getting up and immediately capturing Koharu in a nasty headlock.

"GAH!!", she choked. "What the-"

She decided upon the best course of action to take with any male assailant; STRAIGHT SHOT TO THE BALLS!

"Hehehe!", the man just chuckled.

"W-wha!?", she was shocked that her attack had absolutely no effect upon him. He kept her harnessed in the headlock.

"When yer as cool as me you learn ways to avoid stuff like that!", he said, twisting her head painfully with his arm.

"Grrrr! Well, avoid this!!", she screamed, using all her willpower to turn and grasp hold of his…..member.

RRRRIP!

--

Moving on, we now turn to events outside the studio where we shall finally get answers about the fate of the multiple Sakakis…

James, his face looking hardened from what he had seen, and what he was about to do, walked towards his house.

Sakaki, upon seeing him from his bedroom window, came running through the house.

"Nekosa, James is back!!" Sakaki ran out the door.

Sakaki then ran up to James. "Oh, thank god James!! Some crazy authors came to the studio, and accused me of being fake!! I can't believe they'd…

Sakaki 1 stops, as she sees Sakaki 2 behind James.

"Ah…" Sakaki 1 says. "W-who's this?"

"This…is the real Sakaki." James says coldly. "This…is what those other authors were talking about…"

"W-what?! Real? What do you mean real?" Sakaki 1 asked, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Just because she looks like me…"

This is what James was afraid of. He could already feel his inner turmoil begin to kick up. He looks away and grits his teeth hard.

"C-Cartoony pointed out… you wouldn't really be one…t-to…lose V-card to people…"

At this point, Nekosa came walking out of the house. "JBK-san? Okaasan?"

Sakaki 1 begins to break into tears. "H-how…how could you, James?! After all we've gone through…"

"I know, ok?!" James yells, the tears falling down his face. "You don't think I find this hard, too?! Dammit!!"

At this point, Nekosa gasped as she realized something. "O-Okaasan...th-there are...t-two of you..."

The agrivated James went back to yelling at Sakaki 1. "I'm finding this hard enough as it is!! You don't think my mind is spinning right now from seeing two of you?!"

" B-but...James...I love you...and you go and...Nekosa!" Sakaki 1 looked to Nekosa pleadingly. "Nekosa! Tell James I'm real! I'm really your Okaasan!"

Nekosa looked from Sakaki 1, to Sakaki 2 (whom had remained quiet this entire time), then back to Sakaki 1. They looked EXACTLY the same. "I...I...I..."

" Leave her out of this!!" James snapped suddenly. " It's bad enough I'm confused, but I don't want her involved in this!!"

Sakaki 1 sniffled. "Yes...you're right...but...prove that she's 'real' and I'm fake!"

James froze up. He looked back and forth between Sakaki 1 and 2, and was confronted with the same problem Nekosa had…

"I can help..." Nekosa said. She walked up to Sakaki 1, and sniffed her. She then went over to Sakaki 2, and sniffed her.

And she was met with the same problem. "I...I...I can't tell...they both smell the same..."

Nekosa's mind couldn't take it anymore. "JBK-san!!" Nekosa ran to James, and wrapped her arms around his legs. "I'm confused!!" And she began to cry.

At this, Sakaki 1 went over to Nekosa. "Nekosa, H-how can this other girl smell the same as me?"

Nekosa, feeling very afraid of the two Sakaki's, took cover behind James.

This awakened James' need and want to always protect Nekosa. He felt total anger.

He whipped his gun out, and pointed it at Sakaki 1's head.

" Back...off"

" W-what!?" Sakaki 1 stuttered, stepping back, shivering and crying. "How...how could you?"

James turns his gun between Sakaki 1 and 2. "I don't care which one of you is fake, and which one is real...I still love Nekosa, and I'll protect her, even if that means I have to kill the both of you!"

" Y-you would kill the person you love?" Sakaki 1 whimpered, tears dripping down her face.

" Nekosa is my true love...I've known her since before I knew you, Sakaki. I'll protect her against anything" James says.

" But..." James turned his attention to Sakaki 2. "You've been awful quiet...and no blushing at Nekosa...even when she sniffed you...that seems awful fake to me"

"I...I just don't know what to do..." Sakaki 2 said, shivering slightly.

That inner termoil is getting annoying to James now. He's on edge...he doesn't know who is the real or the fake...

" See? She doesn't even act like me..." Sakaki 1 said, trying to reason with James.

" Because that's the difference..." James said, confused by even his own words. " I don't know...what to think anymore... whether the Sakaki I made love to is the real one ... or the one we just happened to find on a porno run is the real one...

Sakaki 1 goes over and stands next to Sakaki 2. "You would know…your true love..."

James' inner termoil threw up a fit. " I...I...GAAAAAAAAAH!!"

James aims his gun at the two Sakaki's.

BANG!!

Both Sakaki's hear the shot ricochet off of a tree that's not far behind the two of them. They jump at the sound and look very nervous.

" JUST ONE OF YOU FRICKIN' ADMIT TO BEING FAKE!!" James yells.

"But…I'm not fake." Sakaki 2 says, finally speaking up. "My name is Tanaka Sakaki."

"So is mine..." Sakaki 1 replies.

James looks utterly defeated. His hand with the gun drops to his side. He's beginning to feel so confused…

Nekosa decides now would be a good time to take action. She looks to the two Sakaki's. "Which one of you is real?!"

"I am!" Both of them say.

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!" Nekosa then asked.

Both Sakaki's fell silent at this.

"I did?" Sakaki 1 said.

"That was my cookie I was saving!!" Nekosa stuck her tongue out at Sakaki 1.

"Nekosa...how did that help?" James asked.

"Well, now I know who stole my cookie." Nekosa explained.

James sweat-dropped.

"Nekosa…I'm confused…" Sakaki 2 said.

"Me too…" Sakaki 1 replied.

"So am I…" Nekosa said, looking back and forth between the two.

"I'm in that group" James said.

A moment of awkward silence went by.

Nekosa walked back to James, and whispered in his ear. "We gotta figure something out...something only the real Sakaki would know..."

James looked up at the two of them. "Who bit your hand during high school?"

"Kamineko" They both said.

"damn..." James muttered. The then thought for a moment.

"On one of the first days of high school, who challenged you to a race?" James asked.

"Tomo" Both of them said.

"dammit!!" James muttered again. He then sighed heavily.

"Who was my evil mom?" Nekosa asked.

"Azami Nekoyasha." Sakaki 1 replied instantly.

"Wha…" Sakaki 2 fell silent, and blushed.

"Nekosa, that doesn't help…" James said. "Cartoony says that the first Sakaki hasn't been on Help Desk...she wouldn't know the answer"

"Oh…" Nekosa said.

"How can we figure this out?" James asked himself.

He suddenly came up with the answer. Something only one Sakaki would know over the other.

"Say, if I were a fake Sakaki, what sort of attributes do you think I would have, besides looking like an exact copy of the real one?"

" Um...well…" Sakaki 1 began. "They would have to have a quiet exterior, but actually be cute inside. Love animals..." Sakaki 1 blushed.

James turned to Sakaki 2.

"Well...umm..." She blushed. "Like cute things...quiet...love animals..."

James raised his gun towards Sakaki 2, looking very angry. "I can't believe it... I was led this long..."

"W-what?!" Sakaki 2 screams, as she steps back.

"I should have known..." James started, as he walked slowly closer to her. "Cartoony was lying...she probably set up the whole operation"

"B-but...why? What do you mean?" Sakaki 2 asked, shivering in fear.

" Hell, the 'real' Sakaki wouldn't have been captured so easily, especially by porno people" James pointed out.

"They came to me when I was asleep! I…I couldn't run!" Sakaki 2 pleaded.

James closed his eyes for a moment. "And all I ever wanted in this world...was a bit of love..."

He then opens his eyes, flames burning in them. "This ends it"

"W-what!? N..no...please! I'm Sakaki! I am!" Sakaki 2 screams, and begins to cry.

"Quit your crying..." James said coldly.

Sakaki 2 stopped crying, and stood straight up, sniffling.

"Close your eyes…I'll end this fast." James said.

Sakaki 2, knowing of nothing else she could do, with the tears running down her face, looks upwards, exposing her neck, and closes her eyes.

"goodbye, 'fake' Sakaki..."

BANG!!

Sakaki 2 waited… waited to feel pain…to feel some sort of moment of death…but it never came…

She opened her eyes, and looked down.

James had turned his gun at Sakaki 1, and had fired.

Sakaki 1 fell backwards to the pavement in a dead faint.

Sakaki 2 then proceeded to scream.

The tears roll down James' eyes. That was the absolute hardest killing he had to do, ever.

He lowers his gun, drops to his knees, and embraces Nekosa, as he begins to cry)

Sakaki looks to her feet, tears dripping from her eyes.

"Otousan...how..did you know?" Nekosa asked, herself feeling a little emotional.

" I'm…the only one...who knows...about Sakaki's inner cuteness... she herself doesn't even know it… that's how I knew..." James sniffles, trying to stop himself from crying.

"Is it..my fault she had to die…?" Sakaki asks, more to herself than anyone.

" No...don't ever blame yourself for this..." James said, wiping the tears from his eyes. "It's entirely my fault...if I would have seen her to be fake before now... we could have found you sooner, and she could have lived..."

James stood up, and looked over at Sakaki. "I'm sorry...I put you through that terror, Sakaki...

but I had to have the fake one believe she was safe."

Sakaki nodded sadly. "Maybe we could have...gotten along..."

"Sho knows...she seemed...so nice..." James could feel the tears begin to fall down his face again.

But while James, Nekosa, and Sakaki are crying, the fake Sakaki stands back up.

"What makes you think a simple bullet can stop me? I was made for a reason!" The Fake Sakaki says with an evil grin on her face.

Sakaki screamed. Both James and Nekosa looked utterly shocked.

Sakaki began stepping back. James stood up, looking determined, while Nekosa cowered behind him.

Fake Sakaki took one step forward.

James whipped up his gun, and fired shot after shot until he emptied his gun of any rounds.

But like a scene from the Matrix, Fake Sakaki dodged every last shot like an agent.

"Hehe...if I can't keep my promise to Master...I can kill you all instead!" Fake Sakaki says, laughing evilly.

" God, what the hell are you?!" James yells.

"Only the most perfect human ever created!" Fake Sakaki yells.

" Like hell!! Your sex was awful!! I had to do all the work!!" James yells back.

" JBK-san, what's sex?" Nekosa asks.

" Ask me when you're older"

Suddenly, Sakaki, whom James thought to be further back, instead steps in front of him and Nekosa.

"No...if you want to kill me...you can."

" No, Sakaki, you can't!!" James yells.

"If you want to be first...So be it!" Fake Sakaki says, as she begins to walk menacingly towards them.

" No!! Sakaki!! I still love you, and I won't let you do this!!" James says to Sakaki, trying to reason with her.

"If it's me she wants...it will be better..." Sakaki replies quietly.

" She doesn't want you!! She wants all of us!! You just jumping in front like that makes it easier!!" James says back.

" ...Run..." Sakaki says, as the Fake Sakaki edges closer.

" I will..." James replies.

He suddenly grabs her hand. "but with you too!!" James grabs one of Nekosa's hands with his other free one, and turns around and runs.

Fake Sakaki is caught a bit off-guard, but quickly regains her composure.

" Get back here…" She growls as she rushes after them.

"She's too fast!" Sakaki yells.

James looks behind him. Fake Sakaki is closing in fast on the three of them.

"Grrr...I was hoping I wouldn't have to have to use this..."

James takes a pen out of his pocket protector, clicks it three times, then throws it behind him.

Fake Sakaki sees the pen hit the ground. She dodges off to the left on instinct, and his glad she did as the pen explodes. Fake Sakaki then continues her pursuit.

"She's still coming!" Sakaki yells.

"Dang it!!" James yells.

He comes up with another plan quickly, then waits for the Fake Sakaki to come closer.

"Wwait for it...wait for it..."

He can feel the Fake Sakaki close in to within arm's length.

" Now!!" James let go of Nekosa's and Sakaki's hands, slammed on his breaks, and switched all of his body weight around in the opposite direction. He lowered his body, and hit Fake Sakaki square in the stomach.

Fake Sakaki had tried to stop herself, but all too late. She was hit in the stomach with enough force to knock the air out of her.

"OOOF!!" Fake Sakaki goes to clutch her stomach as James jumps back.

James then uppercuts Fake Sakaki with his right fist.

Fake Sakaki is knocked backwards, stumbling, but manages to stay up.

James then took a fighter's stance. "Sakaki, Nekosa, if we stand against her, we've got 3 to 1 odds… we'll probably have a chance."

Nekosa, walking up behind James, gulps as she takes a fighters stance. "O-Ok..."

Sakaki took up a fighter's stance as well, looking determined.

Fake Sakaki wipes away some blood trickling down her chin. "If your gun couldn't stop me, what makes you think the three of you can?"

"Because the explosive didn't have teamwork that we have...and the love we share for each other!!" James retorts, keeping his stance.

"Even this girl you just met?" Fake Sakaki says, laughing.

"I do love them..." Sakaki says quietly. "He rescued me..."

James blushed, and looked over at Sakaki. "R-really?"

Sakaki nodded. " You rescued me...I cannot let that go unappreciated."

" Well then...isn't that sweet?" Fake Sakaki says. Then suddenly, and unexpectedly, she rushes at Sakaki, and punches her hard in the stomach.

" Sakaki!!" James screams.

"AH!! " Sakaki fell back in agony.

" Why you...!! " James lead with a hard right, but Fake Sakaki stepped away from it.

" Hehe.."

" Grrrr...!! " James lets loose with a fury of punches aimed at the Fake Sakaki, but she easily dodges a all of them.

Then she caught him. James led with a hard right that swung a bit too far.

Fake Sakaki then caught him on the side of the head with a haymaker.

Sakaki sits up, bleeding from the mouth. "J-James!!"

James falls to the ground, feeling his entire world spin from the hard hit.

Nekosa stands there, her stance loose, shaking horribly in fear.

Sakaki struggles to her feet, and stands in front of Nekosa.

"No...I won't let her harm you." Sakaki whispers to Nekosa.

James, still on the ground, catches glimpse of what Sakaki did. "S-Sakaki..."

Fake Sakaki jumps over James. Once again using her speed, she slams hard into Sakaki's stomach with a fist, then punches Sakaki in the face.

Sakaki barely moves an inch, but she bleeds from the mouth, and now a bit dribbles out her nose.

James' mouth drops open at the cruelty by Evil Sakaki, then he closes his mouth angrily. He pushes himself up with all his might.

James thinks quickly…and comes up with a plan.

He charges at the Fake Sakaki, right fist up in the air, but yells to grab her attention. "AAAAAAAAAH!!"

"Hm?" Fake Sakaki turns, sees the attack, and grabs James' fist as it comes down to try and hit her.

He then smiles evilly. "Gotcha."

James then delivers one VERY hard knee to the crotch of Evil Sakaki, and connects.

But Fake Sakaki seems unaffected.

James' eyes go wide. "No..."

"I don't know what you're aiming at...I'm not a guy..." Fake Sakaki says.

She then grins evilly. "But I know you are…"

Fake Sakaki then returned the favor to James, by kneeing him in the crotch, with enough force to make it feel like two tons of bricks focused on that one spot.

Fake Sakaki lets go of James' fist, and James falls to the ground, holding his crotch with one hand, unable to breath. He throws up, finally catching just a little bit of a breath, before rolling over, and losing consciousness.

" James!!" Sakaki yells. "You...!!" Sakaki punches Fake Sakaki in the back of the head, causing her to stumble forward from the pain.

But Sakaki doesn't stop. She elbows Fake Sakaki hard in the back, sending the fake Sakaki face-down into the pavement. Fake Sakaki's forehead begins to bleed as it strikes the pavement.

Sakaki readied herself as Fake Sakaki stood back up.

Fake Sakaki checked her forehead, saw the blood, and could feel her rage boil over.

"You…You have caused me to bleed…" Fake Sakaki's rage is evident, as she turns around. "I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU!!"

Fake Sakaki's charge is fast and hard. She punches Sakaki's face with her right fist, then with her left.

She then puts her hands together into a fist, and slams Sakaki's chin with it. The force and speed that this was done is enough to send Sakaki stumbling backwards.

But Fake Sakaki doesn't stop. She grabs Sakaki by the throat, and using her superior strength, lifts her up.

The blood running down Fake Sakaki's face from her forehead does nothing to hide her pure anger.

"You pathetic excuse for a girl!!" Fake Sakaki yells. "If you would have just stayed with the porno people, you could have lived in Master Gates' new world!! But now that you've really pissed me off…I'm going to make sure that your death is slow…and painful!! YAAAAAAAARGH!!"

That last yell had been Fake Sakaki yelling out in pain. Nekosa, realizing that Fake Sakaki would kill her Okaasan, she jumped in and bit her hard on the leg.

Fake Sakaki threw Sakaki, sending Sakaki flying into the grass close by. Fake Sakaki then put her hands together into a fist, and slams down hard on Nekosa's head.

Nekosa's head swam from the force of the attack, and she lost her grip on Fake Sakaki's leg.

Fake Sakaki's rage boiled over now.

Sakaki sat up, rubbing her throat from how forcefully it had been grabbed. She looks up, and what she saw, she'll never forget.

Fake Sakaki put one knee on the ground, grabbed the top of Nekosa's head, pulled Nekosa off of her leg with ease, then slammed Nekosa's face into the pavement.

Sakaki gasped at the horror and heartlessness.

But Fake Sakaki didn't stop. Still having grip on Nekosa's head, she picked Nekosa's head back up, and slammed it into the pavement again. And again. And again.

Fake Sakaki continued to slam Nekosa's head into the pavement as Sakaki could only watch on in horror.

"Stop…" Sakaki whispered.

But Fake Sakaki didn't stop. Nekosa's blood began to splatter on the pavement, but Fake Sakaki just kept going.

"Stop…" Sakaki said, tears now falling down her face.

Fake Sakaki slammed Nekosa's head hard into the pavement one last time, splattering blood on some of Fake Sakaki's clothing.

"That will teach you." Fake Sakaki said in a cold tone, before letting go of Nekosa's head.

Nekosa's body remained unmoving. Even the slow up and down motion of breathing was absent.

Nekosa was dead.

Something to be noted here is that, no matter what kind of person you are, whenever you see a child killed so brutally right in front of your eyes, you will become angry at the person who killed that child.

Sakaki had never felt rage before. It wasn't in her nature to ever get angry, even when Tomo had said she'd put that kitten in an animal shelter, she felt horror then. No, this was a new emotion for her to experience.

Sakaki stood up, and began walking towards Fake Sakaki. Sakaki's fists were clenched angrily. She could only feel rage towards the fake Sakaki.

Fake Sakaki saw Sakaki coming towards her, so she stood up. The blood stains from Nekosa's blood splatter were even more evident on Fake Sakaki's shirt now.

Sakaki stopped, and the two of them stared each other down.

"How…how could you? She was only a child!!" Sakaki said, trying as much as she could to keep her reserve, but failing.

"That's what she gets for getting in my way!" Fake Sakaki said, with total heartlessness for the evil deed she had just committed.

Sakaki couldn't take it anymore. This new emotion had full hold of her now.

She charged at Fake Sakaki, not knowing why, or how she was going to be able to beat her. All she knew was total anger.

At first, Fake Sakaki laughed, catching Sakaki's first right punch with ease, but when Sakaki's knee came up into her stomach, she wasn't laughing anymore. Sakaki's left fist then came up, and hit Fake Sakaki in the cheek. As Fake Sakaki lost grip of Sakaki's right fist, Sakaki jumped back, then charged full-body right into Fake Sakaki, knocking her to the ground.

As Fake Sakaki rolled over to try to pick herself up, Sakaki stepped hard on Fake Sakaki's back, tears still streaming down Sakaki's face.

"I...I will kill you...if I have to…"

"For what?! All for some man you don't even know?!" Fake Sakaki yells. "Over some little girl that you didn't even know either? I'll tell you right now...he had sex with ME!!"

Sakaki angrily ground her heel into Fake Sakaki's back. A little piece of her said it was totally wrong, but this new angry feeling within her kept saying that it was fine.

"Stop it! You...you would hurt innocent people...for what?!" Sakaki yelled. This anger thing was beginning to suddenly feel very wrong to her…

"Because overlord Gates requests it..." Fake Sakaki responds simply. "He is my master"

Sakaki grits her teeth, and stomps down harder. "So it was him! What does he want with the people here!?"

Fake Sakaki smiled evilly. "He wants them all...TO SUFFER!!"

Fake Sakaki pushes off with all of her strength, causing Sakaki to lose all balance, and sending Sakaki flying backwards. The back of Sakaki's head slams hard into the pavement.

"GAH!!" Sakaki's head swims.

Fake Sakaki stands back up. "And now that you three will be dead...nothing will stop him from taking on the rest of the girls..."

Fake Sakaki steps on Sakaki's stomach, and puts all her weight and strength on the foot, making it feel like 300 lbs is on Sakaki's stomach. "And make them all suffer..."

"Ah...AHHHHH!!" Sakaki screams in agony, not knowing how much longer she can stay conscious.

Fake Sakaki takes her foot off of Sakaki's stomach, and aims for Sakaki's head. With the force and power in Fake Sakaki's foot and leg, she'll crush Sakaki's skull.

"Now...you die..."

Sakaki, feeling her moment of death was upon her, lost consciousness.

BOOOM!!

A force hits Fake Sakaki in the back, sending her flying even further than James' unconscious body.

Cartoony, white fur and all, comes walking in, carrying the legendary Star Rod.

"Back…off"

"You!!" Fake Sakaki yelled angrily. "I should have known!! You were the one who blew my cover!! And I could have gotten away with it, too..."

"Don't you dare say anything about meddling kids and their dog, or I'll frickin' shoot you" Cartoony warns.

Fake Sakaki growled. "Guess I will have to kill you as well!"

"Let's see you try!" Cartoony says, extending one hand out, and egging her on.

The Fake Sakaki rushes at her, her speed constantly increasing as she runs.

Cartoony throws some Star energy at Fake Sakaki.

Fake Sakaki jumps into the air to dodge it, and comes down on Cartoony. However, Cartoony changes the momentum, and pushes Fake Sakaki right off of her as she hits the ground.

"GAAAAH!! You die NOW!!" Fake Sakaki yells, as she jumps back at Cartoony.

Cartoony, however, saw it coming. She spun out of the way, and hit Fake Sakaki in the back of the head with more Star energy. Fake Sakaki went flying about 50 feet before skidding to a stop on the pavement.

Cartoony walked up behind her, and aimed the star rod right at Fake Sakaki.

"Never mess with the Kagaki fangirl"Cartoony said, as the star rod lit up.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" A huge beam fired from the star rod, incinerating the Fake Sakaki right where she lay.

Cartoony stepped back, and a street sweeper went by, and wiped up the ashy remains of the Fake Sakaki.

"And good riddance" Cartoony said.

Cartoony walked over, and pointed the star rod at James. The star rod glowed, a warm aura came out of it, healing James.

James slowly opened his eyes to see Cartoony smiling at him.

"Looks like you tried to take on more than you could handle, eh, James?"

James slowly began picking himself up.

"You know, James, I hate to be the one I told you so..."

" Then don't" James replied grumpily, as he remained on his hands and knees, catching his breath.

Cartoony decided to leave it at that, and instead walked over to Sakaki, who was still unconscious.

James stood up as Cartoony aimed the star rod at Sakaki, and healed her the same way she healed James.

James angrily stared at Cartoony for a moment. He knew she was never going to let him live this down…

But as he turned his gaze away, his eyes caught something that instantly made him break down crying.

"NEKOSA!!" Cartoony and Sakaki both turned their gaze as James went running over to Nekosa's body, and knelt down beside it.

Her forehead had now bled enough where her entire body was soaking in a pool of blood.

James' hands stood frozen…he wanted to pick up Nekosa's body…but…he already knew…Nekosa's body remained unmoving…

"No…Nekosa…" Tears began to run down James' face.

Sakaki also had tears fall down her face. She somehow felt at fault, because she hadn't protected Nekosa as she promised she would…

James' curled up, with his face to the pavement. He curled his arms up around his head, and began to cry.

Cartoony could feel her own eyes watering up. Both her guardians had tried their absolute hardest to protect her and defeat the Fake Sakaki. And it had still not been enough…

What made Cartoony's heart break was how heartful James' crying was. He truly cared for that little girl like it was his own child…

Cartoony looked to the Star Rod in her hand. Though it had a lot of power, it didn't have enough to bring life back…

At least, not on its own…

Cartoony walked over to Nekosa's face-down body, and aimed the Star Rod at it.

And Cartoony begins to focus…

_Please...to all that hear my cry...help us bring Nekosa back to life..._

…

At Kaorin's house

…

"Huh?" Koharu took her focus off of her favorite anime, Sailor Moon, and looked up into the sky.

"N-Nekosa?!" Koharu could clearly see it in her mind, as if she was there.

Koharu closed her eyes, clapped her hands together, and prayed hard for her friend.

"Please...Bring Nekosa back to life!!"

Kaorin, who was up in her room doing homework, also stops and stares upwards.

"My god..." She took the same position Koharu had. "Please...bring Nekosa back to life..."

...

At a monastary in a descrete location

...

Madoka, who was already meditating after the harrowing encounter with Yukari's new Desructo-Bot, saw Nekosa's dead body, and James crying for her.

Then she heard Cartoony's wish…

"I pray...for Nekosa's life to return..." Madoka said.

...

at the school pool

...

Kagura, who was swimming a lap at the pool, stops mid-lap.

She closed her eyes, and prayed hard.

"Please...bring Nekosa back to life!"

...

Inside Yomi's house

...

"Dammit, Tomo!!" Yomi screams. "I- " She stopped mid-sentence.

Tomo suddenly realized Yomi stopped. "Huh? what-"

Both saw the same thing. And despite Tomo always saying she'd do mean things to Nekosa, that was all public show…she didn't really want that child injured.

Both of them closed their eyes and began to pray. "Bring Nekosa back to life!"

...

outside in the woods

...

"Darn Sasquatch..." Osaka grumbles, as she walks with a net through the woods.

"I think he went this way…" Jacob said, as he points in a direction.

Suddenly, both of them paused, and stared at the sky.

"Mah god…" Osaka folded her hands. "Please… Bring Nekosa back ta life!"

Jacob folded his hands as well. "Yes...bring Nekosa back to life!!"

…

At Help Desk Studios

…

Jay, who is scampering about, trying to hide all evidence of Yukari's mech in the studio garage, suddenly feels a pull on his mind.

My Gods…" He gets on his knees and falls to the floor in prayer. "Please…let Nekosa live again!"

Down in a room, Koyomiko is drawing while Funari sits there, watching her.

Koyomiko pauses while she's drawing. She gasps, and folds her hands. "Please..let Nekosa come back to life!"

Funari sees the same thing. A slight amount of horror comes across her usually cool face. She suddenly folds her hands.

"Yes...let Nekosa take a breath of life again..."

…

At Chiyo's house

…

As Chiyo was headed to bed, she stopped. The serious look of horror crosses her face.

She closes her eyes and prays. "Please…let Nekosa live!"

Tadakichi-san stands up, then sits down, and bows his head, as if praying with her.

…

At the hospital

…

"Honestly, your name is 'Shaun'. How long can it take you to write a name like that?" AR asked.

"Hey, I like my messages to be nice and long!!" Shaun said, as he continued to write on AR's leg cast.

"Well, could ya –" AR suddenly stopped.

"Could I wh-" Both Shaun and AR saw the same thing…

Shaun dropped his marker, and began to pray. "Please...let that cute Nekosa live again..."

AR begins to pray too. "Please...bring life back to Nekosa..."

...

back at the scene

...

The wishes of everyone cause the star rod to glow brightly. A nice warmth can be felt by everyone within a 50 ft. radius.

Nekosa's body begins to glow with the star rod.

A few minutes later, the star rod dies down, it's shine turned back to normal. Cartoony lowers it to her side.

Nekosa's body begins to move. Nekosa lifts herself up, and wipes away her face of her blood.

Sakaki remains frozen, staring at the child who had been dead moments earlier.

Nekosa hears crying, and looks to her side to see James curled up, crying next to her.

"JBK-san, why are you crying?"

James looked straight up, his eyes wide. He saw Nekosa, still bloody, staring down at him.

James gasped out. "N-Nekosa..."

"My head hurts…" Nekosa said.

James leapt up, and embraced Nekosa in one of the tightest hugs he could possibly give.

"NEKOSA!!" James began crying again as he hugged Nekosa, though this time it was because he was so happy that she was still alive.

"Oh, Nekosa!! I'm sorry!! I let you down!! I didn't protect you!!"

"JBK-san, what do you mean?" Nekosa asked, seriously unsure of what James meant.

" I'm sorry, Nekosa!! Forgive me!!" James yells as he continues to cry.

"Um...ok...I forgive you..." Nekosa said, though she was still unsure of what James was crying about.

James picks Nekosa up as he stands up himself. He keeps her close as he turns to Cartoony.

" Thank you... I...don't know what I'd do without her..."

Sakaki is wiping away the tears from her eyes, though it's apparent that she's still crying a bit from the happiness of the moment.

"Hey, it's ok..." Cartoony replies with a smile. "I know you'd do the same for me if it was my kid..."

James smiles back, the tears still rolling down his face. "Just...thank you…"

James then turns to Sakaki. "Hey, Sakaki...I know that...you and I don't know each other, but...since I do still love you... ya wanna try dating anyway?"

Sakaki kind of looked at him for a moment. She didn't want to break his heart again, but she didn't exactly feel like dating a man she just met either…

"Sakaki…if not for me…then for Nekosa…please…" James pleaded.

Sakaki looked to Nekosa, who turned herself to look at Sakaki from James' arms.

Sakaki smiled, then nodded.

"Thank you…"

James looked to Cartoony. After all, she was the one who had found out about the Fake Sakaki to begin with…

"I don't mind." Cartoony said.

But she then dawned an angry look on her face, and waved the star rod right in James' face. "But no more sex, got it?!"

James shook a bit in fear. "G-got it."

Cartoony went back to a happy smile. "Good!"

Cartoony began to walk away.

"Hey, Cartoony?" James said.

Cartoony stopped, and turned back around.

"You think you could…restore my V-card? Please?" James asked.

Cartoony smiled at James. "Sure thing..." and she aimed the star rod at him.

...

As for the rest of what happens, the Great Eye of the Universe shall peek into James' journal (because the Great Eye doesn't give a damn about privacy)

_Dear Journal,_

_Cartoony restored my virginity today...who knew anyone could do that? The condition was I don't have sex with Sakaki for a good long time... and in truth, I'll find this a whole lot easier._

_I didn't bother to erase my memory of the sexual experience, simply because it's a reminder to me that I should NOT have sex with Sakaki. As for her, she was kidnapped by a bunch of porno people. She might not have sex for as long as she lives._

_Anyway, Nekosa, Sakaki, and I spent the night at my house talking. I got to know the real Sakaki better, and Nekosa got to tell Sakaki why she loved me. I almost broke down crying._

_I don't know if I could ever thank Cartoony enough for reviving Nekosa. Even with Sakaki, I don't know if I could ever feel the same without that cute little girl._

_Well, I'm signing off now, journal. I have to go wipe my eyes before we go to sleep together. Nekosa's gonna be in the middle of Sakaki and I, where it's nice and warm._

_-JBK2K1 (James)_

…

In all truth, it had been a little hard for Sakaki to get into the same bed with James and Nekosa, but once she found out how warm it can be, and that James wasn't going to be anything of a pervert, she found it rather nice. She would fall asleep that night…feeling safe and content for the first time in a long time…

And a blushing smile wouldn't leave her face when she woke up the next morning, and found James sleeping with Nekosa wrapped in his arms, as if to keep her from being harmed by anything from the outside world.

--

Jay was pleased to get the resultant phone call that Nekosa was indeed alive and that the fake Sakaki was eliminated due to her truly having evil intentions. His sigh could be heard the world over.

"Finally….maybe I can have some peace around here.", he said, sitting down at his desk to pay the latest set of ridiculous bills.

A knock suddenly came at the door and his following groan was coated in displeasure.

"Who is it?"

"It's me. Koharu!", came the voice.

"Oh, come on in!", he called.

The little girl walked in, one hand behind her back.

That was never a good sign.

"I have a present for you Jay-san!", she said, smiling happily.

"Oh, really now?", he smiled back. Maybe it was a present! Possibly even the bottle of Tylenol he needed so badly right now.

"Yep!", she said. "Now close your eyes."

Jay complied and suddenly felt a wet, limp object placed in his hands.

"What….is it?", he asked, his eyes still clamped shut.

"Kaori-kaa-san wouldn't let me keep it….It's my trophy!", she said.

Jay opened his eyes. And screamed.

--

3,000 miles away, George W. Bush looked up from his TV, which was broadcasting the latest episode of 'Azumanga Help Desk'.

"Get Dick on the phone….I think I sense some more terrists' with my Bush-Sense!", he informed the Secret Serviceman beside him.

"Right away!", the man replied and began to dial the phone.

"Oh and get my bubble bath ready too!"

--

* * *


	11. This Spells War!

**It took some time and effort but here you go! Battle time!!**

* * *

It had been a fine week for the Help Desk Studios; AR was okay, Megumi got the meet her parents, Akio was able to see just how strange his daughter's job was, Jay was content and all was at peace. Alas, there were still bills to pay and reporters to deny speaking to, so Jay was still fairly busy.

"NO DICE!", he cackled into the telephone moments before he hung up on another curious reporter. He hated news reports about his show. The last one was not very flattering and nearly had him thrown in prison. It did not seem to make sense. Sure, the show certainly was 'different', but the press it received was never of the good kind! Maybe that was why it was so popular. Regardless, a knock came at the door.

"Yes?", he said.

"Jay-san? Umm…", Chiyo opened the door a crack and peered in, a look of worry splattered across her face. "I think you should come and look at this."

Jay's entire body stiffened up. When someone at the studio says "I think you should come and look at this." in such a tone; there is bound to be something atrocious on the other side of the door.

He stood up and walked over to her.

"What is it?"

"Just..come see for yourself.", she said, opening the door as he followed her into the main lounge where the entire cast and crew was assembled around the television. Rapt attention was being paid to the speech-giver on TV; that speech-giver being none other than the American president George W. Bush.

"What the heck?", Jay asked.

"It looks bad.", Yomi commented.

"What looks bad!?", he asked, losing his patience a bit.

"Listen to the talking box, Jay-san.", Madoka instructed.

Jay took a deep breath and sat on the couch beside Tomo to listen to the speech.

"Just look at it!", Bush said, presenting Congress with a clip from an episode of 'Azumanga Help Desk' that showed Nekosa sitting in her chair, happily wagging her tail.

"Hey that's me!", Nekosa said from Sakaki's lap.

"Shh.", Sakaki smiled and peacefully quieted her.

"They got lil' kitty girls! Who knows what else they're developin'!?". Bush said.

"What!?", Jay was aghast.

"I..I'm not….th-threatening…am I?", Nekosa asked, tears welling up.

"No, not at all.", Sakaki stroked her behind the ears.

"Also, our covert agent Snake had his ding-a-ling forcefully and painfully removed by THIS little girl!", Bush said, putting up a picture of Koharu on the Powerpoint screen. "That act is totally un-American!"

"You have GOT to be kidding me!!", Jay protested, fighting the urge to shatter the television in anger.

"He deserved it.", Koharu shrugged.

"And here we have secret plans found by our agents that _clearly _show a plot to bomb the Pentagon.", Bush said, holding up a crayon drawing of what seemed to be scribbled people.

"Hey!", Koyomiko protested. "That's my drawing of Mama and Kaa-san!"

"What the hell is he trying to take us for!?", Jay growled, his teeth grating.

"In fact, the only one involved who we can consider not dangerous is Yukari Tanazaki.", Bush said.

"That's TanIzaki, you bitch!", Yukari growled.

"Yukari, keep driving like an American.", he said with a wink to the camera.

Jay sighed heavily amongst the following screams. "Please tell me he didn't just say that…"

"So, I believe we have enough proof to declare war on the Help Desk Studios. Congress will now put this to a vote.", he said, stepping down from the podium.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Jay screamed, panting heavily. "WAR!!"

"Oh, no!", Chiyo chirped.

"He can't really mean that…", Yomi said with a shake of her head.

"Believe me…he means it!!", Jay said, a ravenous look in his eye.

"I assume all we can do is to pray that it is voted against.", Madoka said.

The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi came on at that moment to announce the results.

"Results are as follows; 97 Yes, 3 No.", she said.

"FUCKPISSSHIT!", Jay cursed, growling and pulling at his hair.

"It-it's ok, Jay-san.", Chiyo said with a hand on his shoulder, but her eyes were already welling up with tears.

"What the fuck are we going to do!?", he screamed, his calm demeanor displaced at that moment for utter panic.

"Uhh…", Chiyo took a fearful step back, shivering.

"I'm sorry, Chiyo-chan….I'm just…rather upset…", he grit his teeth in anger and terror.

"Are we gonna die?", Tomo broke the heavy silence.

Koyomiko and the other young children let loose a screech of horror. Yomi simply responded by leveling Tomo with a punch.

"Tomo! Of all the things you could have said with the KIDS around!!"

"Are we gonna die, Kaa-san?", Koyomiko whimpered softly.

"No, no. Of course not!", Yomi smiled warmly.

Jay grit his teeth and stood placid for a moment.

"Ok…we have Yukari's mech….and if I repair my mech we may have a chance..", he droned.

"And I gots mah spray!", Osaka waved her hand around.

"And my…umm..err..awesomeness!", Tomo said.

"I..think I'm going to make a few phone calls..", Jay said, exiting the area and heading to his office.

Tomo looked back at Yomi who was holding a terrified Koyomiko on her lap.

"We're screwed, aren't we?"

BAM!!

--

Jay dialed his phone like a madman, calling all the people he knew for his predicament would certainly require as much assistance as humanly possible.

"Funari? Feel like beating up an army? Oh, you saw it too!? You will!? Awesome!", he hung up, and checked her name off the list of possible allies as a confirmation.

He continued to dial numbers, his hope increasing.

"Mr. Fading Osaka Man? Yeah, Jacob..whatever….erm..anyhow wanna help me stop the US Army from wrecking my studio and killing everyone here? Sure, bring Sasquatch if you want! Heck, bring the Jersey Devil!"

His glee was increasing by the moment, hopping along from foot to foot as he continued to call allies.

"Zero? Hey there! The world needs saving again! Care to join? Yeah, from the US Army..they think we're terrorists. You will!? Yay!"

After that, he recruited a few others to join, but there was one person he simply could not reach: JBK.

"Hrmm….Well, I left a message..hope he calls back…", Jay assented and returned to the lounge where the room was abuzz with gossip.

"They're sending troops here, Jay-san!", Chiyo wailed.

"Already!?", Jay yelled.

"Yeah, they just said it a minute ago!", Kagura responded, pointing to the screen.

Jay chuckled.

"Huh?", Chiyo asked, confounded as to why he would laugh at a time like this.

"We have back-up, ladies! All our writer friends are coming to help us!"

He went on to explain who would be joining them: Funari and her wind powers, Collin and his massive mech, MoFang and his various inventions, Zero; the winged bird-man of justice, Jacob and his cryptids, Cartoony and her anthro-claws, AR and his shovel powers, Iceman and his madd weapon skillz, as well as Donna and Shaun for their various moral support and assistance.

"But…against an entire army? People are going to get hurt….", Chiyo bemoaned.

Jay shook his head sadly at this notion.

"I'm not too big on violence either, but would you rather us all be dead?"

Chiyo looked at the others and nodded slowly.

"Right…", she said.

"SWEET!!", Yukari and Tomo cheered almost simultaneously.

"I'll drive!", Yukari chanted.

"Drive where?", Jay asked.

All was silence…

"I'll drive my MECH!", Yukari said.

"Putting it to good use at least…", Nyamo moaned.

"I do wonder…is what this army is doing not against some rule?", Madoka questioned.

Jay shook his head again.

"Not at all…wanton warfare is a horrible part of modern life…"

Madoka nodded, her face an unmoving placid mask.

"I'd say we better prepare and- WAHHHH!!", Jay's suggestion was cut off by the massive rocking of the building, sending every member to the floor and letting loose a rain of plaster and tiles. The roar still echoed in their ears.

"What was that!?", Tomo screamed.

"They're already firing….", Jay said, getting to his feet and making sure the others were unhurt.

"How so?", Madoka questioned, easily recovering from the shock. "There is no possible way their troops could have marched in such a short period!"

"Ships..in the ocean. The missiles can fire miles!", Jay answered, scrambling everyone towards the basement.

As they piled into the stairwell another blast rocked the studio; the shockwave sending the entire group into a tumble, landing in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.

'_Their aim is getting better…'_, Jay noted.

"What do we do!?", asked Tomo, now in a tear-raging panic.

"Everyone to the mansion! Except for Yukari….you're with me…we're getting our mechs.", Jay grinned as they exited the front doors of the studio.

Looking back at his precious studio for a moment, Jay was almost brought to tears when he saw the massive hole in the roof, the contents of the rooms the missile had hit scattered about the area; torn and broken.

'_Bastards!'_, he mentally cursed as Yukari and he ran at full speed toward the garage.

"Man, we are sooooo gonna get arrested!", Yukari chuckled as they reached the garage, sliding open the doors to reveal two five storey mechs. Yukari's was outfitted with a solar ray gun on one arm and an electrically powered mega-fist on the other; she was quite pleased with the final design. Jay's mech was in far sadder shape; having not been tended too much since the battle with Collin ages ago, but the laser blade was still intact and the left arm had been outfitted with a large, thick shield. It would do for now.

They clambered up the scaffolding surrounding the mechs and hopped into their respective cockpits; powering the machines on. Jay took a moment to get re-accustomed to the control mechanisms before taking a small step out into the light of day. He nodded with approval.

Yet that nod turned to a face contorted with disgust as he watched another rocket slam into the studio parking lot, sending cars and pavement flying every which way. He also noticed at this time that the neighborhood was swarming with people trying to escape their homes. He honestly feared for their lives…

"Ok! Let's do this!!", Jay yelled, dialing into Yukari's communication network.

"YEAH!! Uhh…what exactly do we do?", she asked.

"We..umm….err…", he paused for a moment in thought. "Err..Oh! You have that cannon arm thing…uh..think you can dial into oncoming missiles and shoot 'em down?"

A short pause followed.

"Sure! That's a can-do!"

"Alright then!"

The two mechs stepped out into the light; the solar energy filling up Yukari's arm cannon almost immediately. Jay looked at the radar screen on the control panel and noted an incoming pulse.

"Incoming! 127-02 East!", he said.

"Got it!", Yukari responded, aiming her cannon towards said coordinates.

After a moment with his breath held, her arm cannon fired off a massive orange beam that caused the air to sizzle. The flaming beam rocketed into the sky and moments later there was a burst of flame on the horizon. A direct hit!

"Hell yeah!", Yukari cheered. "I got it!!"

"Excellent!", Jay cracked a smile. "Now just-"

He was cut off by a buzzing in his pocket. His cell phone. He had gotten a text message…

"Huh?", Yukari questioned.

"Keep an eye out! Some nut just sent me a text…"

Whipping out his phone he noticed that the message was from James.

'_Sry. in shelter. Can't get out .Wtching TV. Btw sldrs cmng into twn.' -JBK  
_

Although he was relieved to hear from James, he now had a new problem on his hands: the American military base in Yokohama had been called into action and soon he would have to deal with planes, tanks and infantry as well as the Navy missiles.

"Yukari, we have a problem….", he said. "Seems the military has been scrambled from Yokohama."

"Fuck!", she cursed. "Those buddies of yours better get here DAMN soon!"

"I would hope so…"

--

Collin, also known by his pseudonym oppdis, had gone to revv up his mech as soon as he put down the phone. He wanted to be battle-ready at first notice. When he saw the people in the neighborhood scrambling for cover he knew the time had come.

'_Here we go..'_, ran through his head as he powered up his own deviously destructive mech. The chaingun attached to the right arm spun as the motors in it roared to life. The fingers of the left arm clenched and unclenched around the handle of a massive hammer; the word 'Banned' sprayed across the head of it in neon green.

He guided the mechanical beast out onto the street with ease, aiming it towards its eventual destination: The Help Desk Studios.

Making sure he didn't trample any people or property, he watched missiles streak across the sky; leaving vapour trails in their wake. Such was not a good sign…it could only get worse!

Stopping at an intersection to let a massive crowd of people sprint by his mech; he heard a jet fighter formation streak overhead, the roar of the engines only overshadowed by the blast of the dropping bombs. He watched for the formation to make a return pass.

He raised his chaingun.

Prayed for forgiveness of his actions.

Took aim.

And fired; sending tracers streaking across the sky.

Three of the jets exploded in midair as the massive caliber shells connected with them; sending flaming wreckage raining down upon the city. The remaining two planes pulled off a quick double-reverse loop and retreated.

"I'm glad I didn't have to shoot them all…", Collin droned.

He clomped along through the city street, peering down the streets in search of any coming troops.

"Where are they….."

He need not search much further before the cockpit warning siren began to blare and a blossom of red caught his vision as a tank shell impacted the right chest section of his suit.

"Dammit..there they are.", he mumbled, noticing the line of tanks and other artillery vehicles at the end of the wide boulevard.

The vehicles each aimed their cannons toward the massive mech; which looked over the far tinier vehicles like some tyrannical god. This almost Edenic effect made Collin grin.

"Fire away!", he screamed out of the mech's PA system.

The vehicles responded with a massive volley of shots, which Collin responded to by leveling his Banhammer as the shots knocked into the adamantine head of it; leaving few scratches. He cackled, advancing with booming footsteps toward the assembled vehicles.

"Bahahah!! My turn!!", he called, swinging down the massive hammer in a wide sweep. The impact was tremendous; causing not a few of the rocket trucks to explode on the spot, the other vehicles thrown against buildings and bursting.

"BANNED!!", Collin grinned wide.

The remaining ground troops immediately turned tail and retreated; leaving him and his mech to go about his advance toward the studios.

--

Funari had her back pressed to the wall of a building; the cool of the alleyway shadows covering her as she waited upon the passing troops. A surprise attack would be ideal…

Key word is 'would'.

A transport truck stopped in front of the alley and one of the soldiers pointed down it towards Funari.

"Hey, you!"

'_Dammit..maybe if I look innocent…'_, she thought, taking a few steps toward the transport.

Another few soldiers poked their heads over the top of the transport bay and regarded her.

"Hey! She's one of them!", one said.

"Nah! Can't be….what would one of them be doing in an alley so far from the studio?", another soldier asked.

"You have a point….", the first responded.

"Oh, for gods sakes…", their sergeant groaned, holding up a picture of Funari. "It's her, just shoot her already!"

"Oh, ya don't say…."

The remaining soldiers of the ten man squad, raised their rifles over the edge of the transport and unloaded their clips on Funari.

"Gah!", she cried out, just barely able to call upon her wind abilities in time enough to deflect the incoming projectiles. They slammed harmlessly against the brick walls; causing chips to fall off.

"Oh my god!", one of the soldiers cried as they reloaded in a panic.

Funari slowly advanced upon them, her arms in the air to show she carried no weapon.

"We do not have to fight.", she advised. "We can all be peaceful here."

The soldiers exchanged glances for a moment.

Like hell they were listening to her!

Instead, they opened up with another round of shots. Many slammed into the brick walls of the alley, but some headed straight for Funari. Deflecting them with wind energies, she screamed a warning.

"Stop now!! Or I will be forced to take action!"

Of course, they would not listen.

'_So be it…'_

Summoning a reasonable amount of anemo-energy into her upturned palm, she let loose a frontal storm of blue wind that tore through the transport truck, sending the soldiers and their supplies flying ten metres away with a resplendent roar.

She could tell that some were injured, maybe even dead, but she HAD given them warnings…

Horrified out of their minds, the soldiers grabbed their injured and dragged them off, taking cover behind a nearby electronics outlet.

Funari cautiously stepped out into the bare street, hoping the violence had ended.

To no avail though; to each side of her was a force of a few hundred soldiers. She was surrounded. Surrounded with nowhere to run.

"Surrender and we will not fire.", one officer commanded of her.

Funari stood her ground, taking a deep breath to calm her overactive nerves. She had no escape for, despite having wind powers, she could not fly. Firstly, she tried reason.

"There is no reason for us to be fighting.", she raised her voice so all could hear. "The members of Azumanga Help Desk are not terrorists. We are simply a question-and-answer television show. There is nothing illegal that occurs and, if there was, do you think it would be allowed to be broadcast? Of course not. Now, please discontinue your advance before anyone else is injured."

There was silence save for the rumble of the truck engines and the almost chitinous clattering of the soldier's accoutrements. Funari let a small smile cross her face. Success!

That was until the soldiers raised her rifles once more and took aim upon her. She was flabbergasted! Her face registered a terror at the idiocy of these people.

"What are you doing?", she asked in shock. "You are making a mistake!"

"We have our orders!", one of the officers answered.

Funari gave a long, exasperated sigh. There was only one more option left….

Thusly, the wind around her began to swirl picking up dust and debris…

"May the world forgive me…", she mumbled.

--

By this time the Japanese Defence Force had been called in on the side of defending Japan from the American invaders. Jay and the others couldn't have been happier to see others picking up the tough fight and taking a bit of the stress off their shoulders.

"Oh, thank God!!", Jacob sighed as a Japanese tank took out one of the American's with a well timed shot.

"HOOAH!", cheered Sasquatch.

"Heheh, you said it.", Jacob chuckled.

With the distraction caused by the incoming Japanese forces, Jacob had time to regroup with Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil and his Mauthe Doog.

"Come on guys! We gotta get to the studio!", he called.

"Rawrf!", barked the Jersey Devil.

"HOOAH!"

--

At the studio lot, Jay and Yukari's reign over the incoming missiles had fallen sour. They could take one…maybe two…but three? No doing….

"BLAM!!", the missile slammed into the midsection of Jay's mech with a blooming flame, sending it crashing to the ground in two distinct pieces.

Yukari's mech was even worse for wear; two missiles struck it on the legs and the torso. The head and arms of it fell two the ground with a noisy clatter.

Together, Jay and Yukari crawled from the wreckage of their respective mechs; dazed, but generally unhurt.

"GAH! FUCK!! I JUST GOT THAT TOO!", Yukari raged.

"Nothing more we can do!", Jay called back. "Just get to the house with the others!"

"But-"

"Please, just do it!"

"Grr..fine…", Yukari stomped off in a massive huff.

When she was out of sight, Jay turned back and listened to the echoing explosions in the distance….overcome by an ever-increasing roar…

A dot on the horizon between two buildings began to grow larger and larger….a form came into view.

"Oh gods…", Jay spoke in awe, his jaw dropped.

It was MoFang, come to aid the battle in his well-armed hovercraft. Beside him in the gunner's seat was the winged world-saving wonder, Zero.

"You guys are just in time!", Jay called up to them with a bit more cheer in his voice.

MoFang just paused, lifted his goggled onto his forehead and stared at the wrecked mechs.

"She broke the mech I gave her!?"

"Well….mine broke too.", Jay said sheepishly.

"Crap…that sucks.", MoFang said. "Anyhow, we carved a path here."

"Saw a few of your other companions as well.", Zero added.

"Who?", Jay asked.

"Oh, that boy Jacob…that Anime Rebirth kid…and Funari, who I think is about to wreck about half the city.", MoFang answered.

"Huh?"

The wind around the group seemed to shift direction almost immediately…

--

The heavily increasing wind as well as Funari's flashing eyes sent the soldiers assembled into a barrage of panic. They could barely hold their weapons any longer; an inexplicable wave of terror passed through each.

"I truly despise doing this…."

The air seemed to flash an orange hue…

"But I must protect that which I love…"

Yellow…

"I hold no grudge against any of you…"

A powder blue…

"..I do what I must…"

A deep azure..

Suddenly all was calm, silence reigned. It was almost as if time itself had been removed; sucked from existence by Funari and taken into her body.

Finally, the air shined a gorgeous celadon; like the finest leaf-blooms of a secret forest.

"FUNAKOUNA SOUL OVERLOAD!"

An incalculable blast of viridian coloured air tore through the soldiers and vehicles in the manner of a massive weapon. It was as if they were caught at ground zero of a nuclear explosion; skin tore, some were blown away and shredded to bits, others literally melted in the vast heat. It was a force not seen on the planet even before.

The blast spread outward like a blooming flower of despair. Buildings shook and then crumbled, trees were uprooted and torn apart in the wind.

It was doom on a small scale, but it was certainly needed at that moment.

--

Jay, MoFang and Zero watched as a few tall buildings in the distance fell crashing to the Earth.

"Yeah, that doesn't look good.", Jay commented.

"Actually, I believe it was Funari who caused that.", Zero said.

"Really?"

Zero nodded as the group was buffeted by a zephyr of warm wind. Almost comfortably warm…

"Yup, that was her.", MoFang said.

"So, what do we-"

Zero tackled Jay just in time to avoid a rain of bullets that, instead of striking them, struck the hovercraft; sending it crashing to the ground…useless.

"SHIT!", MoFang cursed, jumping from the craft moments before it was struck down.

"Damn! We're outnumbered by FAR!", Jay commented, crawling with the other two behind the wrecked craft.

"Leave it to me!", Zero said, unsheathing his double-bladed sword from between his wings and stepping out from the wreckage to challenge the forces before them.

He struck a pose simply dripping bravado and spread his wings wide. He sure was intimidating….

"EEK!", he screeched, jumping back into cover just as a rocket exploded mere metres away. "There's so many!!"

"Piss..we're trapped…"

"GYAHHH!!", came a scream from across the lot, quickly followed by a….

"CLANG!!"

Jay had heard that sound many times before. He peered from behind the cover and saw just what he expected; a teen boy standing amongst the troops, fending them off with a massive golden shovel.

Jay stood and stepped from behind the cover.

"AR!!", he called.

The man's head looked up just as he finished clobbering another soldier.

"Jay!", AR called back.

Jay grinned and looked back at MoFang and Zero.

"Now's our chance!"

--

"Tomo, you are NOT going out there!", Yomi chastised the girl who was already armed with a Madoka's shinai and an impressive leather trench coat.

"But I gotta!"

"No, you do not 'gotta', Takino-san.", Madoka sighed. "May I have my shinai back?"

"We can do this though. If you really wanna do it, Tomo.", said Rachel, stepping into the room wielding a large rifle with a scope.

"Where the hell did you get that!?", Yomi raged.

"Jay keeps them in the basement.", Rachel grinned, cocking the bolt of the gun.

"Rachel-san…", Madoka stared in awe.

"LET'S GO!!", Tomo cheered.

Yomi sighed.

"This is going to be a big mistake…"

--

Funari limped from the blasted scene, panting and totally drained of energy. Even her vision was dimming; she knew she was only moments from passing out….then she would be a sitting duck…

So, she fought against the encroaching blackness.

Then a bright light grew in size before her eyes. She hoped to whatever godly force there was that it was not an explosion..

Alas, her exhaustion seemed to fade; her vision cleared…and standing before her was the infamous white tiger girl. It was Cartoony.

"Cartoony?", Funari asked.

"Yup, that's me!", she grinned, waving the Star Rod before her. "Feeling better?"

"Oh, yes. Very much so.", Funari answered.

"Great! We should get to the studio. All the others are meeting there."

"Right!"

With that they took off towards the studio lot together.

--

It was all going so well…at least at first. But now AR, Jay, Zero and MoFang were backed into a corner of the lot by encroaching soldiers and a single tank. They had taken cover behind a heavy concrete wall, but their safety was temporary.

"Crap!! What do we do!?", Jay panicked, rubbing his palms together.

"Don't worry.", AR said. "I have reinforcements coming."

"Really?"

"Yup. Should be here any second now…"

As if on cue two girls in high school issue sailor outfits ran up behind the group assembled, stopping next to AR, panting and exhausted.

"Great!! You made it!", AR said, greeting the two.

Jay took one glance at the two girls and his blood boiled. It would have been a deep blessing if he had not seen their faces ever..EVER again. Everything about them caused his gears to grind.

The shorter girl had very long, deep azure hair and bore a cute, yet smarmy, smirk on her face. The other was a bit taller and had her long purple hair set up in two flowing pigtails whose tips dragged against the ground.

"He doesn't look too happy.", the shorter one said, indicating Jay's nearly bulging eyes and grinding teeth.

"Well, anyhow..Jay, this is Konata Izumi and Kagami Hiiragi.", AR introduced.

Jay coughed and extended his hand to them.

"Pleased to meet you…", he said.

"Pleasure to meet you too.", Kagami said.

"NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!!", Jay raged, raising and slamming his fist hard into Kagami's skull. Her head struck the ground with a resounding, and rewarding, 'THUMP!'.

"W-what the hell!?", AR cried out.

"GAH!!", Konata tried to run, but Jay grabbed her arm.

"AND SCREW YOU TOO!", he screamed, jolting his foot into the small of her back and pinning her to the ground with it.

"W-what the hell are you doing!?", AR asked in a panic.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS WORLD!! BOTH OF YOU!!", Jay growled, his voice seeming to echo.

"AH!! AHHHHH!!", Kagami was already up and running, her blood dripping from a large wound on her forehead.

"YOU TOO, IZUMI!! GET UP AND GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME BEFORE I DECIDE TO KILL YOU!", Jay commanded with an additional foot-grind into her back.

"OK…OKAY!!", Konata said, scampering to her feet and running away.

"IF I EVER SEE THE FACES OF YOU OR YOUR DAMN FRIENDS, I"LL KILL YOU DEAD!! DEAD, I SAY!!", Jay shook his fist in anger.

Zero and MoFang were in shock and AR was seething with anger.

"What was that for!? They could have saved us all!!"

"I don't care!! I'd rather die than say _they_ saved my life…", Jay hissed.

"Ok, now what do we do, smart guy?!", AR asked.

"Ermm….we can..uhh.."

BLAM!

"Huh?"

The four looked up to see Tomo standing far above on the roof of the house, decked out in a flowing trench coat and firing a rifle at the soldiers, picking them off one-by-one.

"I guess all those video games helps..", Jay mused.

Half the soldiers turned to face this new threat and advanced upon the house, firing at Tomo, who took cover behind a protruding window-ledge.

"That's what we do!", Jay said as AR and Zero rushed the remaining troops, taking them down by surprise.

Tomo took a few more potshots at the advancing troopers before Rachel got fed up with her method of killing.

"IT'S BRAIDMAIDEN TIME!", she growled, launching herself from the second storey window and discharging her assault rifle the entire way to the ground.

Soldiers fell beneath her rain of death. Even as she landed, she tore through them with a rage fueled by her impractical dismissal from the main cast.

Madoka stared down at her from the window above, both disgusted and enamored by her fighting ability.

"She is so….so….brutal..yet talented…"

Jay was ecstatic that his group was finally gaining the upper hand. And, as if to add insult to injury, a massive blast of light seemed to disintegrate the remaining troops, leaving behind a smouldering crater.

"W-woah!", Tomo shouted, noticing Cartoony and Funari entering the compound. Close behind them came Jacob, trotting along happily with his Sasquatch, Jersey Devil and Mauthe Doog.

"All right!", Jay cheered. "We win!!"

The other girls filed out of the house quickly, Koyomiko running up to Funari for a tight hug.

"Funari-mama!!"

"Wow…seems we did win…", Yomi noted.

"You better believe it!", Tomo called from the roof.

"NOT SO FAST!!", came a booming voice from behind them.

The entire group turned to see a rather properly dressed man with a cigar leading an enormous group of soldiers and tanks. The man smirked and walked towards the group, raising his hand in greeting.

Jay advanced himself towards him, stopping a few steps from the man.

"And who might you be?"

"I'm Colonel Potter of the U.S. Army.", the man answered, chewing irritatingly on the end of his cigar. "And your life ends here."

Jay smirked, looking like every other anime bad-ass.

"Go ahead. Shoot us then."

Colonel Potter's face drooped, taking on a countenance of barely-contained terror. He had never seen a small group face down the entire army and take it in such…stride…

"T-this is madness!", he stuttered.

"No….THIS…..IS…..HELP DESK!!", Jay screamed, rearing back his fist as Potter's eyes grew wider.

"FALCON…PUUNNNCHHHH!!"

Jay reared forward, a flame encompassing his fist as it connected with Potter's midsection, immediately blowing him to small bits in a burst of flame that shook the ground.

Jay stepped back, giggling like he had lost his mind at that moment.

"HHEHEEHHAAHHAHAAHH!! I DID IT!! DID YOU ALL SEE THAT!?"

"Where did he learn that…?", Yomi asked.

"The guy in the basement!", Koharu answered with a grin.

"Oh…"

And as if determined by the gods, the entire phalanx of troops turned tail and fled. All those crazies were just too much for normal bullets to kill!

"BAHAHHAH!!", Jay cackled as he watched them retreat. "AND STAY AWAY!!"

"That truly was impressive.", Madoka nodded.

"Better believe it.", Jay grinned.

"Don't get too full of yourself…", Kaorin commented.

At that point two exhausted figures strode up.

"Donna!?", Nyamo said in shock.

"SHAUN!?", said Yomi in a mirrored form.

"Y-yeah…we brought you these.", Shaun said, panting.

Donna approached Jay and held out two gloves made of solid gold.

"One punch from these can knock down a building!", she said.

"Oh, thank you.", Jay said, accepting them graciously. "But I just Falcon Punch'd a dude and won the battle."

"Oh…guess you didn't need them after all.", Shaun said, hugging Yomi.

"Yup! I really was that good!", said Jay with a small, arrogant chuckle.

Phewwwwwww….

"What's that sound?", Cartoony asked.

"Heheh..you should have seen the look on his face before I punched him!"

PHEEWWWWWWWW……

"Sounds like….", Chiyo began.

"He was GONE! Probably pissed himself too…"

PHHEEWWWWW!! BOOM!!

And in a flash of a well-targeted bomb, the Help Desk studios exploded in a rain of flame and shrapnel. All was gone in an instant. Everything….gone….right down to the foundation.

"NOOOOOO!!", Jay cried, tears streaming from his eyes as he fell to his knees.

"HAH!!", Kaorin cried. "KARMA'S A BITCH, AIN'T IT!!"

"All gone….ALL GONE!", Jay laughed with barely-controlled insanity.

"Is he ok?", Kagura asked.

"I dunno..", Osaka answered.

"I STILL WIN!! I STILL WIN, DAMMIT!!", Jay cried to the sky adamantly.

As Jay cried his almost-insane cries, a camera crew stood in the shadows, recording Jay in his stupor.

…

James, along with Nekosa and Sakaki, remained safely in the basement of James' house, watching the TV with Jay on it.

"I STILL WIN!! I STILL WIN, DAMMIT!!" Jay cries echoed from the television.

"Is…Jay-san gonna be ok?" Nekosa asked.

"I'm sure when Help Desk Studios is once again miraculously and unexplainably rebuilt overnight, he will be." James said.

Sakaki, who had remained silent up to that point, suddenly shivered.

"Okaasan? Is something wrong?" Nekosa asked.

"I…just felt like something terrible is going happen." Sakaki replied.

Both Nekosa and James suddenly felt a small chill run down their own spine.


	12. The Aftermath

James would be the last one to leave the new studio, as being the guest host, it was his responsibility…

He locked the door, and put the key in his pocket. He then started walking down the street…

"Hey, James" Tomo said, popping out of an alleyway, giving a huge wildcat grin.

"Tomo, don't you have anything better to do than to sit here and wait for me to leave?" James asked.

"Nope." Tomo replied.

James' eye twitched.

"Check it! The swelling from Kaori Kimura's beating is almost completely gone!!" Tomo said.

James just ignored her, and continued on his way.

"So James, what'cha gonna do when you get home? Go play video games…" Tomo gave an evil grin. "…or look at porn?"

James whipped around angrily. "Tomo, I am not a pervert!!"

"Are too! Ya banged a fake Sakaki!!" Tomo yelled.

James tried to think of something…ANYTHING…to counter it, but he simply couldn't. So, he turned around, stomping off.

But Tomo was not about to let it go. She ran to catch up to James, but still remained at a safe distance.

"PERVERT WHO LOOKS AT PORN!!" Tomo yelled.

James again whipped around angrily. "Damn it, Takino!! I am not a pervert!! I am a normal person!! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet!!"

Tomo gained an evil, malicious grin.

James' eyes went wide, and he slapped both hands over his mouth.

"hehehe…" Tomo chortled evilly. "Ready, normal people?!"

"READY!!" The normal people of the world yelled.

"Let me hear ya!!" Tomo yelled.

"THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN!!"

"Damn it…" James moaned.

"THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN!!"

"I had to say it…" James muttered.

Tomo then sang "Lots of men will sit and home and watch..."

"PORN, PORN, PORN!!"

"Everyone, look out!!" _(Small record scratch)_

The shout of Madoka stopped the song, and grabbed the attentions of both James and Tomo.

"Grab tha' ghost!!" Osaka yelled.

"Don't let it get away!!" Came the shout of Jacob.

A small green ghost came flying around the corner, screaming at the top of its lungs.

"I shall send you back to where you came from, spirit!!" Madoka yelled, giving chase.

The ghost looked back, and panicked even more. Unfortunately, in his panic, he failed to look where he was going…

SPLAT!!

Tomo fell backwards as the ghost hit and passed right through her. The ghost continued to fly, followed closely by Madoka.

Jacob and Osaka, both panting heavily, came up to the two.

"Mah god…tha' Madoka is fast…" Osaka moaned.

Tomo sat up on the ground. "Ugh…gross…That thing slimed me!!"

Indeed it had, for Tomo was now covered in a green gooey slime.

"Serves ya right." James said, turning on his heels, and heading home.

"Oh!! Ectoplasm!! Quick, Osaka!! We gotta collect the samples!!" Jacob said, quickly placing his net over Tomo.

"Hey!!" Tomo yelled.

…

On a plane headed for Japan, Jay sat in his seat.

It had been a relaxing week. James had taken hold of Help Desk, while Jay took some vacation to relax. After all, after hearing about being evicted, he had almost had an emotional and psychological breakdown…

And coming back…he still had that thought on his mind that Dagon had asked him for that favor…

Jay pushed that thought into the back of his mind. He would work on that after the next Help Desk episode.

Jay still needed to feel like he was on vacation, so he pulled out his Ipod…

Jay looked around on the plane…there was no one that seemed in any way familiar to him…

So he slunk back down into his seat, and began to play some music on his Ipod…

The person in the seat next to him got up and headed to the bathroom.

Jay's head began bobbing to the music…

Then there was tapping on his shoulder.

Jay looked. "WAAAAAAAAAGH!!"

"Oh my. No need to shout."

"Mrs. Mizuhara, what in the world are you doing on this plane?!" Jay said, on the verge of yelling.

"Oh, just flying. Like yourself." Mrs. Mizuhara replied.

"I mean what business do you have on this plane?!" Jay asked, showing no signs of calming down.

"That's not something I would be asking me, dear." Mrs. Mizuhara replied. "The question to ask would be why are you listening to that particular song on your Ipod?"

Jay hid his Ipod, sweating profusely. "W-w-w-w-w-w-what song?"

"I'm sure Konata and Kagami wouldn't be very pleased to know that you're listening to their theme song on your Ipod" Mrs. Mizuhara said with a small grin.

Beads of sweat rolled down Jay's face. He was finding it very difficult to breathe…

Jill, an American friend of Mrs. Mizuhara, giggled from the seat behind. "Oh my. Quite the dirty secret you found, Mizu-honey."

"Indeed, Jill." Mrs. Mizuhara replied.

Suddenly, the overhead came on, grabbing Jay's attention. "Ladies and Gentlemen, your plane will soon be landing. Please fasten your seatbelts, and thank you for flying Cheap Planes Air"

"Say, Mrs. Mizu-...what the? She's gone?!"

The seat next to Jay was once again empty. The passenger that had originally sat there now sat down again.

Jay looked around the plane, but saw no signs of Mrs. Mizuhara or Jill.

Jay gulped. "I've gotta be hallucinating…yeah…stress…my vacation just wasn't long enough…"

…

Mrs. Mizuhara opened the door to her house, and she and Jill stepped in.

"Quite that juicy little secret you found out about Jay, Mizu-honey." Jill pointed out again.

"Who would have known, huh?" Mrs. Mizuhara replied, taking out her notebook from her purse, and writing the secret down.

Jill giggled. "How much more do you have to go before that notebook is filled up?"

"Only about 10 more pages." Mrs. Mizuhara said.

"And how many notebooks have you filled up already?" Jill asked.

"I've lost count" Mrs. Mizuhara said.

Both women giggled again.

…

Meanwhile, Koharu and Kaori Kimura had hog-tied many Kimura fans, and had now dragged them all to the center of town.

"Now…the real fun part…" Koharu said.

Kaori Kimura just smiled, and placed a hand on Koharu's shoulder.

"Koharu-chan…I…wanted to thank you. This is the most fun I've had…well, ever." Kaori replied.

"Hey, no problem." Koharu said with a smile. "I hate perverts as much as you do. I think you and I could be good friends."

Kaori's face turned to one of small shock.

"F-f-friends?" Kaori stuttered.

"Uh-huh. We should be."

Kaori went up, and hugged Koharu tightly.

"Thank you, Koharu-chan." Kaori cried.

Koharu then hugged her back.

Kaori pulled back, wiping away her tears. "And…when I return home…I won't forget you."

"And I won't forget you, Kaori." Koharu said.

Kaori gave a small smile.

"Ok, then!! Let's finish these guys off!!" Koharu said, cracking her knuckles at the now-frightened guys that were tied up.

"Finish them off? How do you do that?" Kaori asked.

"Hehehe…like this." Koharu said with a big Kagura-grin, reaching out towards the first guy's crotch.

…

Screaming echoed throughout the whole city from the guy.

…

"OH MY GOD KOHARU!!" Kaori yelled.

"What?" Koharu asked.

"I never thought about tearing it off like that!! Let me try!!" Kaori declared happily.

Both Koharu and Kaori looked down at the perverts, and gave evil, malicious grins.

"Hey, what about that guy over there?" Kaori asked, pointing. "The one with a spacesuit surrounded by little flower things?"

Koharu looked at the little space guy with weird flower things surrounding him.

"He's too small to pick on." Koharu said.

Suddenly, the little guy pointed at both Koharu and Kaori. The little flower things then latched themselves onto the two, and began attacking them.

"AAAAAAAAAH!! KOHARU-CHAN, IT BURNS!!" Kaori yelled, as she tried shaking off the red ones. Some of them fell off, and died as they hit the ground, sending their spirits into another world.

Koharu felt one arm go numb as a yellow one attacked it. "Darn it!! These small things are a pain!!"

"REVEEEENGE!!" Someone yelled suddenly. He ran right past Koharu and Kaori, and straight for the little guy. "FALCON PUUUUUUNCH!!"

And the little guy was sent flying. All of the little flower guys on Koharu and Kaori died instantly, and their spirits floated away.

And there stood Jay. "I've been looking for revenge on that little Olimar and his stupid Pikmin…always beating me as Captain Falcon…"

"JAY!!" Koharu squealed, running up and giving him a hug on the leg. "You saved us!!"

"I…I did?! My gods, I did!!" Jay declared.

"Oh, Jay!! This is my friend, Kaori!!"

Jay looked back to see Kaori Kimura standing there.

"Oh, hi there!" Jay said, bowing.

"Hi." Kaori said, returning the bow. "Koharu-chan, I have to go…but I hope to see you again someday."

"Me too, Kaori." Koharu replied.

"Goodbye." Kaori said, before turning around, and walking off.

"She seemed nice." Jay said.

"She is." Koharu replied.

Jay then started heading home with Koharu close by.

"So…" Jay said. "What happened while I was gone?"

…

Author's notes: A special BtS that was also written for Jay, as part of my birthday gift.

Hope you guys enjoyed it, and Jay once again has the helm!

-JBK2K1


	13. How to NOT be Cool

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Jay put out the garbage that morning, hoping that nobody would look inside the bag, lest they find some rather unappealing contents.

"Ah! That's one way to be rid of a problem!", he chuckled, wiping his hands on his pants and turning back towards the new studio when a thought struck him.

'_Tomo and Yomi still owe me!'_

Indeed, the two girls still had to make up their side of the bargain when he allowed them to go find Funari ages ago; even if it did end up being a false alarm. Thinking back to what had occurred recently, he had a perfect idea of how to resolve this situation. It would not take much effort on their part; in fact, he would not even need to warn them beforehand!

Thusly, he entered the new studio and contacted Osaka as well as his favourite cameraman Hideki. The group was soon assembled in his office behind not-so-locked doors.

"'Cha need, Jay-chan?", Osaka asked.

"Well, you see…", Jay began pacing the floor. "do you remember how Tomo, Yomi and Koyomiko left the studio to look for Funari way back when?"

"Uh-huh", both nodded in assent.

"Well, I had made a deal with them and so far they have not held their part of the deal! So today we will be filming an impromptu session of "Ayumu's Wide World of Cryptids'!"

"Oh, happy days!!", Osaka cheered. "Lemme go get my helmet!"

"But what does that have anything to do with Takino-chan and Mizuhara-chan?", Hideki asked.

"They will be our subjects of study!"

"Eh?", Osaka tilted her head, but soon broke into excited shakes. "THEY'RE ALIENS, AIN'T THEY!?"

"No, no, no. You see, we'll study the human family!", Jay explained with a chuckle.

"That ain't no cryptid!", Osaka complained.

"Look, I can't think of anything better so just go along with it ok?", Jay asked, exasperated.

"But I wanna find cryptids…", Osaka pouted.

"I have an idea, Sir.", Hideki spoke up.

"Sure.", Jay nodded him onward.

"We could change the name of the show to 'Ayumu's Wide World of Mysteries' and then we wouldn't be confined to just cryptids."

Jay looked flabbergasted; his jaw dropped open, prompting Osaka to comment something about cyborgs.

"That's freakin' genius!"

Hideki smiled, pleased with himself. Jay then turned to Osaka and asked her if such a name change would be sufficient.

"That's actually better.", Osaka agreed.

"So it's settled!", Jay cheered. "Today we tackle the mystery of the human family!"

--

"Kaa-san, where's Mama?", Koyomiko asked.

"She said she had to help Madoka-san with something.", Yomi answered, taking the little girl's hand for that day they had some shopping to do.

"Really? That's so nice of Mama!", the raven-haired girl giggled.

"Actually, even though I do not know what they're doing….I know it can't be good.", Yomi answered as she closed the door to their room behind them.

"Mama wouldn't do anything bad to Madoka-san! ….Would she?", Koyomiko questioned.

"Nothing too bad.", Yomi replied, seriously doubting those words.

"Good!", Koyomiko smiled. "Where are we going today, Kaa-san?"

"Well, first we have to find you a good bathing suit.", Yomi said as they made their way across the new studio parking lot.

Koyomiko's eyes grew wide and shone with an anxious light. She even began to walk with a slight hop in her step.

"Are we going swimming!?"

"That just might happen….", Yomi grinned mischievously.

"Yay!!"

As they walked off down the sidewalk, they did not notice the three people following them in the shadows…

--



Elsewhere, Yukari and Tomo had taken Madoka to a downtown shopping centre to begin step one of their 'How to be Metal' program. First step, 'How to Dress Metal'!

"Must I truly wear this?", Madoka asked, shivering in her loose jeans and rather tight shirt with band logos plastered over it in every direction.

"Well, duh! Now you look epic!", Tomo cheered, attracting the attention of many of the pierced shop-goers.

"And every metal goddess needs to be epic first!", Yukari nodded.

"Is this studded leather belt a necessity?", Madoka asked, feeling appropriately out of place.

"Of course it is! Now we need…hrmm….what would you suggest, Yukari-chan?"

Yukari flipped through a few rows of clothing and came back hoisting a pair of…

"L-leather trousers!?", Madoka asked incredulously.

"Uh-huh!", Yukari nodded. "It doesn't get more metal than tight leather pants!"

"Try 'em on!", Tomo said, shoving them into Madoka's unwilling arms.

"But….they seem so…so…."

"Let me guess…'shameful'?", Yukari grinned maliciously.

Madoka was silent, her face steel. She turned and entered the dressing room and came back moments later donning the black leather on her muscular legs.

"Woah!! You look…", Tomo was speechless.

"Fucking awesome!", Yukari gave an approving thumbs-up.

That's when Madoka's face turned from slight smile to a grimace as she fell slowly to the floor.

"AHH!! AHHH M…MY LEGS!! THEY ARE NUMB!!"

"Oh shit!! It cut off the blood flow!!"

--

Hideki positioned the camera so that both Osaka and, up ahead, Koyomiko and Yomi could be seen.

"Welcome ta Ayumu Kasuga's Wide World of Mysteries! Today we're gonna study the mysterious interactions between mother and daughter! OooOoOOOo!", Osaka said just loud enough to be heard.

After all, they were in a store…hiding inside racks of clothing..and spying on their friends.

"Ah! Look right there!", Jay pointed out. "Look how they laugh and smile together as they shop for…."

"Looks like sexy bikinis!", Osaka noted. "Look at tha orange one! LOOK AT IT!"

Jay peered closer as the camera zoomed in to show a small orange bikini covered with what looked like…

"UFO's?", Jay said, lifting an eyebrow.

"YES! It's obviously a conspiracy to brainwash tha kids!", Osaka huffed. "Lookit little Koyomiko lookin' all happy at them aliens…."

"I don't think that's why she's so happy….", Jay said.

"Then why? Then why!?", Osaka grumbled after the outburst.

"I think that- Oh look! They're moving!", Jay pointed as the two targets sauntered in a different direction.

Scrambling out from the rack of bathing apparel, they quickly clomped along, disguising themselves with hangers of clothing draped over their bodies.

"Do we look inconspicuous?", Osaka asked as they followed Yomi and her daughter into the 'Delicates'.

"Of course! Walking capris are totally rational!", Jay said with only the slightest hint of sarcasm.

"'Course they are.", Osaka nodded, yanking the other two suddenly into a rack of brassieres.

"What?", Jay asked, a C cup dangling from his head.

"Lookit that! Yomi's gonna buy a bra that's too small for her!", Osaka pointed across the aisle where Koyomiko sat on a nearby bench as Yomi perused the brassieres.

"…How can you tell?", Jay asked, incredulous.

"Ah can see through her clothes with this!", Osaka opened her shirt to reveal a black vest peppered with blinking nodules and myriad wires.

"The hell is it?"

"It's a Sight Vest or summin'.", she explained. "James gave it to me…and now I can see everyone's undies."

Hideki immediately screeched and covered himself, but Jay simply shrugged, unaffected.

"What good is that?", Jay asked.

Osaka performed her own shrug at this question.

"I can see everyone's undies. Guess it's kinda neat."

"Guys…", Hideki said softly.

"I mean, it doesn't seem all that useful…", Jay countered.

"Guys….", Hideki spoke a bit louder.

"Don'tcha like undies?", Osaka tilted her head in confusion.

"Gu-"

He was cut off by a bright light and a piercing scream. The group gazed upward as Yomi stared down at them, aghast with shock.

"What the hell are you all doing here!?", she raged.

"Umm..uhh…", Jay droned.

"Hiya there!", Koyomiko smiled gleefully and waved at them as her head poked around from behind Yomi.

"What are you doing in the racks!?", Yomi growled.

Jay stuttered endlessly and performed the most rational act that came to his mind: He grabbed Osaka and Hideki and ran.

"MY NAME'S TOMO TAKINO!!", he screamed as he bolted from the store, the other two in tow.

Yomi could do nothing but stare. She had never felt so clueless in her eighteen years of existence. Koyomiko togged at her sleeve.

"Kaa-san….what was that all about? Jay-san isn't Mama!"

"Koyomiko….have you ever felt your brain shut down before?", Yomi spoke in a monotone.

Koyomiko nodded and stared after the group as well.

"I know what you mean, Kaa-san…."

--

"Yukari-sensei…Takino-san…I must say this is quite detestable…", Madoka stated as Step Two: 'How to Listen to Metal' began.

"Hey! These CD's aren't cheap, you know!", Yukari complained.

"Yeah! Do you have any clue how rare 'Perpetual Blasphemy Volume 2 ' is!?", Tomo chastised.

"I do appreciate your efforts, but I am..unsure if being 'metal' is my personal style.", Madoka commented.

"Now, let's go!", Yukari cackled and popped the CD into her car stereo.

"METAL ROAD TRIP!!", Tomo laughed openly, pumping her fist in pure celebration.

The first notes nearly blew Madoka out the rear of the vehicle. She gripped hard against the door handles as the relentless bass line and the unstoppable blast beats, coupled with Yukari's mind-altering driving ability sent her consciousness into another space and time.

Panic was not unknown to her, but it was generally unfamiliar. All she knew was that she wished to leave the premises immediately. Madoka had no idea how Tomo and Yukari were in any way enjoying this, much less holding up devil-horns and headbanging.

And if this was only Step Two…..

--

Hideki, Osaka and Jay stood panting in an alleyway between two large buildings. They had just escaped the store in the nick of time!

"Now…what do we..do?", Osaka asked between deep inhalations.

"Well….that video didn't work out quite as planned.", Jay admitted sheepishly.

"Darn it….Now I gotta wait even longer for my show…", Osaka pouted, shuffling her feet.

"Don't fret, Ayumu.", Jay said. "We'll have your show up and running real soon!"

"Ah hope so…"

"Though…you said Takino-san owed you something as well. Where is she?", Hideki asked.

"I have no idea, but-"

The ground rumbled. The skies took on a shadowy cast. The rivers ran with blood!

Animals evacuated the area, leaving humans to stare in horrified awe at the evil coming their way.

A voice in the air spouted many blasphemies as accompanied by pounding percussion and grinding guitars. It was immobile; the perfect wall of sound.

"Oh, there's Tomo-chan!", Osaka said moments before a blur roared past; the wall of sound slamming each and every person in the vicinity to the hard ground below. Even the buildings shed a few loose stones or chips of paint as they rocked on their foundations.

"Was that…what I think it was..?", Jay asked, nursing his injured skull.

"Uh-huh.", Osaka answered. "It was Hell itself…."

--

Madoka curled up in the back seat, horrified at the notion of how many laws they may be breaking.

"YOU MUST STOP THIS VEHICLE IMMEDIATELY!!", she warned to no avail.

Yet, Tomo did turn to face her; flashing her the devil-horns sign.

"Hey, Dorka. Try out a death growl!"

"A what?"

"Death growl! Like on the CD!"

Madoka was floored. This horrid singing had a name? The unearthly wail had a purpose besides annoyance? There were WORDS in the undulating vocals?

Madoka shook her head 'no' and continued to grip the handles of the seat tightly.

"Nay!! YOU MUST STOP THIS!!"

"Hey, there's the studio!", Yukari pointed ahead, smiling. Yet, that smile soon dropped to a deep frown. "…How do I stop this thing!? It has too many pedals!!"

Indeed, this was a new car granted her by an appreciative fan. It was the first outing of said car as well; which she neglected to mention to either Tomo or Madoka.

"Hit 'em all!", Tomo suggested, her eyes reading fear.

And thusly Yukari acted upon her suggestion for it was not the time or the place for a round table discussion on the matter. She moved her foot to the right and pressed hard on the pedal her foot came in contact with.

All they heard was a high squeal.

All they saw was their life flashing before their eyes.

--

Bystanders who saw the vehicle at that moment only saw a flash and it was gone.

It was as if it had…left this world.

--

"PRESS MORE PEDALS!!", Tomo yelled again as they careened by a three-eyed magenta-furred beast.

Yukari hit the next pedal. The scene faded and…

--



To bystanders it seemed as if the Help Desk studios were struck by a nuclear attack. They scattered, fearing that the Americans had returned for retribution.

--

Yomi and Koyomiko were first to arrive and view the building explode with a ravenous force. The sight caused Yomi's jaw to drop and her eyes to widen. She dropped the bag of clothing she was carrying.

Koyomiko stared on in wonder at the rising smoke and flame.

"I guess we're not gonna go swimming today…", she said, terribly disappointed.

--

Jay was a block away from the scene when the sight of the flames and the loud explosion reached him.

"Jay-chan! Ain't that the studio!?", Osaka said, pointing.

Jay broke into a sprint. A myriad thoughts rushed through his brain. None more so than:

'_Please let it not be Tomo playing with matches again….'_

He pushed his way through the crowds; too concerned with his investment and the safety of his employees to be bothered with proper manners. Huffing and puffing, he soon reached the entrance to the lot to find Yomi and Koyomiko standing there.

"GYAHHHHH!!", he screamed upon seeing his wrecked studio once more.

He completely ignored Yomi and Koyomiko's calls for him and ran towards the smouldering detritus to asses the situation. As he got closer the heat became more intense and he saw three people come staggering out of the refuse.

"TOMO!! YUKARI!! MADOKA!!", he called upon seeing them safe.

Madoka shivered and collapsed into a foetal position as Yukari and Tomo simply broke into laughter.

"THAT….WAS…THE…COOLEST THING EVER!!"

--

"So then Yukari, like, went into hyperspace or something and BOOOM! We slammed right into the studio!", Tomo laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her head. "Sorry 'bout that, Jay!"

Jay contained his roiling anger by dialing his mobile…slowly and with great fury. First, he placed a call to his bank so as to confirm his account balance. Then, acting upon an idea he had ages ago, he placed a call to the Imperial Palace in Tokyo.

"Yes, this is Jay, creator and owner of Azumanga Help Desk. Get me in touch with the royal family. I wish to purchase the Imperial Palace…."

**Go ahead and look up just how much the Imperial Palace is worth...do it! It's only a TINY bit expensive...**


	14. Some Shining Moments

**Enjoy the spirit of the season!**

* * *

Sakaki walks up James' house. Being publicly humiliated, she wasn't quite sure if she'd be able to face him...

but now she was sure that she had to... and she'd perfectly understand if James wanted to break up with her...

Sakaki slowly walked up to the door...

She placed her hand on the doorknob...

SNAP!

Sakaki blinked a few times... What the heck was that?

SNAP!

"Oh yeaaaaah"

Was that... James' voice? And it almost sounded like he was... no, he wouldn't... would he?

Sakaki slammed open the door.

"WAGH!!" James fell to the floor in surprise, and wrapped around him was...

"Bubble wrap?!" Sakaki said in surprise.

"Th-this isn't what it looks like!!" James pleaded.

_Spend my nights with a sheet of bubble wrap, pop pop, hope no one sees me get freaky_

"NOT NOW, WEIRD AL!!" James yelled.

Weird Al sulked away while James turned back to Sakaki.

"Sakaki…I…er…um…"

Sakaki walked up to him, placed her hands on his cheeks, and placed one of the most passionate kisses on his lips.

"So…um… does that mean you forgive me?" James asked.

"If you forgive me." Sakaki said with a smile.

"Fair enough." James said. He untangled himself from the bubble wrap, brushed himself off, then held out his hand, which Sakaki gladly took.

And the two walked out, hand in hand.

"So…Sakaki…. Which do you like better? Kurt or Picard?" James asked.

"Huh?"

…

Cartoony, on her hi-def spy TV. re-watched the part where Sakaki caught James.

"Well…didn't see THAT coming…" Cartoony said.

She was still in a slight shock.

…

Back at the Help Desk Stadium, Tomo was truly getting into the spirit of the season and decided to prepare a great competition that would prove once and for all who was the best cast member!

It is still unknown who, but _someone_ led Tomo to the studio phone which she subsequently used to call everyone she knew to assemble at the studio the following day when they would celebrate Jay's homecoming with a 'special, kick-ass time'!

The Universe shuddered.

--

Meanwhile, Kaorin had come to visit Jay in his hospital room on the eve of his release. Together they sat in the room; him in bed and her in a chair beside it.

"Ok, Jay….what's up? You sure sounded urgent on the phone.", Kaorin asked.

Jay looked her directly in the eyes; his own face reading concern and import.

"Kaori….I need you here."

Kaorin's face turned to a slight smile as it reddened. She leaned forward and brought her face close to his.

"Oh Jay, I-"

SLAM!!

"Eh!?", Kaorin looked to see a chess board slammed between the two of them; the pieces all set.

"I need you…to play chess with me!", Jay concluded; a broad smile on his face.

Kaorin narrowed her eyes menacingly. "You called me here..to play chess?"

"Well, after I heard on the show that you and Chihiro play chess I thought maybe we could play Extreme Chess!"

Kaorin glared at him once more before grumbling and scooting her chair closer to access the pieces. She would be playing the black whilst Jay took control of the white pieces.

"You're on.", she growled.

Jay made the first move, a pawn forward two spaces. Kaorin countered with her own pawn in the left corner. From there, advances were made and stare-downs continued. Jay made the first capture of Kaorin's pawn with one of his own.

"Ha! Now I get to call down Extreme One!", Jay announced.

"What…?!", Kaorin protested, weighing the option of flinging the board right across the room.

"This is Extreme Chess, after all!", Jay whistled and the 80's glam metal band 'Extreme' barged into the room and whipped into a frenzy of clichéd song playing.

"This is madness!", Kaorin protested.

"Don't make me kick you out a window heheh!", Jay warned with a grin as the game continued.

--

"We gotta prepare!!", Tomo called out; breaking the lovely solitude Yomi had only moments before.

"Prepare for what!?", Koyomiko bounced to her feet and smiled broadly.

"Don't listen to your Mama, Koyomiko. She has problems.", Yomi droned, trying to return to her reading.

"Pst!", Tomo dismissed the comment and continued. "We have to prepare the celebration for Jay's return!!"

"Look…Tomo…you proposed that earlier and nobody gave half a crap about it.", Yomi responded.

"But they didn't even listen to me!!", Tomo protested.

"Ok, fine. What is this super excellent plan of yours?"

"To celebrate the season I've decided to host the first annual Azu-Olympics!", Tomo cheered.

There was silence for a moment as Tomo continued to stand in the room with a ridiculous grin plastered across her face.

"What's a 'lympics?", Koyomiko asked.

"It's where all sorts of people compete in sports and stuff and get awarded medals if they're awesome enough!!", Tomo answered with another grin of triumph.

"Almost…but not quite.", Yomi responded. "It's a friendly competition between countries every four years in many events to win medals: Gold, silver, and bronze.

"Ohhhh! I see!", Koyomiko nodded. "So Mama wants to have that here?"

"You bet I do!", she nodded.

"I'm not sure if Jay would appreciate that.", Yomi replied.

"And why not!?"

Yomi stared her down intensely; her eyebrows twitching like two squirming caterpillars.

"Because…you always wreck the place."

"So the cops came that one time! That was ONE TIME!", Tomo protested, flailing her hands like miniature windmills.

"No, Tomo…I mean REAL destruction. Remember Studio 7?", Yomi spoke morosely.

"Ohh!! The Cute-Car!", Tomo rubbed the back of her head with her hand and grinned nervously. "That was pure accident!"

"And you think these 'Olympics' will be safer?"

"Of course! Since I'm in charge and not Osaka!"

Koyomiko cheered right along with her mother as Yomi facepalmed. It was going to be quite the long day.

--

"Haha!!", Jay cackled. "You have one last chance to beat me, Kaori!"

Indeed, Jay had a mediocre defence to protect his queen but for the moment, he was confident that he would be victorious. Thus far in Extreme Chess he had called upon the help of the band Extreme, a Dragonlord, two bungee jumpers and that black dude on 'Walker, Texas Ranger'.

Kaorin, on the other hand, had summoned a Death Knight, four legions of Roman cavalry, and Uriel; Angel of Flame.

It was her final move and Jay held his breath. Only one move would lose him the game and he hoped Kaorin would never notice the position she needed to move her knight. Her fingers hovered over the knight in question and closed around it. Jay bit his lip and shivered slightly she moved it forward..then paused. Her other hand went to her jaw and scratched it. One of the cavalry horses pooped on the floor.

Then she completed the move; placing it exactly where Jay did NOT want her to place it.

"Checkmate!", she called with a triumphant laugh.

"NOOOO!!", Jay cried. "GODS DAMMIT!"

"And for my final…I shall summon…KVLT WIZARD HAT GUY!!"

"NO!! NOT HIM!!"

His screams echoed for eternity over the chugging riffs of 'Call of the Wintermoon'.

--

One hour later, after cleaning the blasphemous chaos from the room, Jay sat and begrudgingly played his Wii. At least it would get his mind off his despicable loss to Kaorin in Extreme Chess, he figured. Indeed, "Super Smash Bros. Brawl' was a splendid way to release some frustration.

"I can't believe I get to go home tomorrow!… how the hell did the hospital time go by so fast… and WHAT THE FUCK?!" Jay started bouncing in the bed. "HOW…grrrr… stupid fucking five-year-old… beating my Captain Falcon with fucking cheap Ike….

…

And in an unknown location…

Someone gave a small snicker.

"Silly Jay… I bet he thinks I'm some five-year-old beating his Captain Falcon with Ike." That someone said.

"Well with your small size, someone might say that." Someone else said from behind.

"Quiet… he's gonna play again!" That first someone said with a grin.

--

Early the following day, Jay was discharged from the hospital and was met at the door by Victor, who loaded all his belongings into the back of a car and soon they were off; back to the palace.

"Я так рад, что я от туда!" (I'm so glad that I'm out of there!), Jay said, leaning back in the seat. He felt refreshed; especially that he received no permanent scars!

"Готовы ли вы на Олимпийских играх?", (Are you ready for the Olympics?), Victor asked.

Jay cocked his head and raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Олимпийски?", he asked.

"Ах, вы не услышали? Tomo пройдет Олимпийский конкурс на дворец." (Oh, you haven't heard? Tomo is hosting an Olympic competition at the palace.), Victor responded with flat emotion.

Jay's face turned to a grimace and his hands clenched into fists and unclenched once more.

"Drive faster….", he growled.

--

"So, is everything set up?", Tomo called across the courtyard.

Everyone who was assembled groaned loudly.

"Tomo, there is no way in HELL we can erect a 40 foot scaffolding in an hour!", Yomi protested.

Tomo just giggled.

"Hehe! You said erect!"

Almost instantaneously, Tomo was struck down by a flying spanner.

"God dammit…", Yomi grumbled to the rest of the members. "We already have a mud wrestling pit…a monster truck arena and a pit to Hades. What more could we need!?"

"I do not know…", Funari wondered aloud.

Indeed, many were assembled. The majority of the authors made the trip, besides James…oh, and Sakaki…nobody knew where she wandered off to.

Most were hard at work on the events, but Cartoony was too busy staring intently at Kagura's slim….sweaty body…

"Oh god…this is like heaven…", she muttered.

At that moment a car pulled through the sweeping gates of the Imperial compound. Many of those assembled noticed that Jay sat in the back, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. In less than a second, he was out of the car and advancing rather unhappily towards Tomo.

And there Tomo stood, confident and unmoving.

"Tomo…give me one good reason why I shouldn't wring your neck this instant!"

"Because the competition is just about to begin!", she proposed, flitting from Jay's homicidal grasp and taking a flaming brand from a sconce nearby.

"Tomo! Put the torch down, you idiot!", Yomi growled, reaching out towards her.

"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!", Tomo cheered, tossing the pitch torch into a finely decorated azure vase which instantly caught alight.

"MY MING VASE!!", Jay screamed. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT'S WORTH!?"

"Uhh…a bunch?", Tomo droned.

"YES, A BUNCH!! A WHOLE FUCKING BUNCH!!", Jay retorted, falling to his knees in tears. "WHY!? WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALL I DO!?"

The majority of those assembled blinked in amazement. Chiyo attempted to comfort her ailing employer, to no avail.

"Uhh….the first event will be…Channel Surfing!", Tomo announced.

There was a rumble amongst the crowd as they assembled in front of the string of TV sets taken from the storeroom.

Many of them gazed over their shoulders nervously at Jay who had picked himself up from the ground with Chiyo assisting him.

"I..am entering!", he called out; suddenly hoisting a 'Help Desk Rocks' flag above him. Nary a mortal or immortal has ever figured where this triumphant flag may have come from and none dare ask.

"All right, Jay!!", Tomo cheered.

Jay somehow, by the grace of the gods, attached the flag to his trousers so it fluttered behind him as he picked up the remote and took his place.

"Aaaaaaand….GO!", Chiyo commanded and the race began.

All that could be heard were clicks and momentary snippets of the television programmes as they flashed by on the screens.Tomo screwed her face with concentration as she struggled to beat Kagura; who was but 3 clicks ahead of her.

Jay saw nothing but the timer clock and input recorder atop the TV set he was standing before. Tunnel vision, if you will. He did not even notice that brawl that erupted when Yukari kicked Nyamo in the shin.

Soon after, time was called.

"TIME!", Chiyo cried out.

Exhausted, their thumbs red and bleeding, everyone slumped back to the dirt.

"In first place…", Chiyo announced. "Tomo!"

"FUCK YES!!", Tomo cried, happily stepping up to her hastily assembled medal podium.

"Damn imbecile…", Yomi sighed.

"The silver goes to….Kagura-san!"

"All right!", Kagura grinned as she took the podium to the right of Tomo, who promptly stuck out her tongue at her.

"The bronze goes to….Mr. Collin!"

"Nice! I knew all that button-clicking would come in handy one day!", he smiled as he took the remaining place.

There were a few mumbles but mostly silence as Chiyo handed out the medals: Gold, silver and bronze plated remote controls.

"I'M THE CHAMPION!!", Tomo roared.

"It's the first damn game Tomo! Shut the hell up!", Yomi chastised.

Of course, her strict advice went unheard.

"Hey! Where's my theme song!?", Tomo called out.

"Umm….we don't have theme songs, Tomo-san…", Chiyo noted reluctantly.

"Why the hell don't we have-"

"SHUT UP!", came the chorus from nearly all those assembled.

"Fine..geez…"

With that, the winners dismounted the podium and the next event was announced.

"The Obstacle Course!", Chiyo shouted so everyone could hear.

"What is this…Obstacle Course?", Jay asked, his face a mask of pure intent to conquer.

"Uhh…err…", Chiyo shuddered. It was quite obvious that she feared to answer his inquiry.

"It's a course I set up in the palace! Gotta race all around it and make it to the throne room!", Tomo announced, nodding proudly as her gold medal flapped about.

Jay's eyes went wide. His body began to quiver with intensity. This display was followed by a long, heartfelt sigh.

"So be it. Let us race."

The group assembled at the foot of the stairs leading to the main gate. Jay took his place near the centre with Kagura to his right and Yomi to his left.

He tensed his muscles as Chiyo announced the start.

"Ready….and GO!"

Jay roared with determination and took off like a Chiroptera out of Hades. He was the first to reach the pinnacle of the stairway and heave open the front door; only to be met by three swinging blades that blacked the way to the main stairwell.

"TOMO!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY PALACE!?", he protested openly.

"Oops…sorry about that!", she chuckled as her and the others scampered by him and split off in two separate directions away from the main staircase.

Yet Jay was determined. He needed to beat Tomo here and taking the main staircase was the quickest way to the top of the palace.

'_It's badass time!'_

He ducked and rolled under the first blade, getting to his feet just as it sliced the flag from his back. That did not faze him; it seemed a burden anyhow. Acting instantly, he dodged the second blade with only inches to spare as it cut the air behind him. With two passed the third was simple and he rocketed up the stairs as it swung out of range.

Looking around him as he mounted the second storey landing; he saw none of the others. His legs carried him clomping across the hardwood floors as he came upon the second obstacle blocking the pathway.

It was a set of six retracting and upward-firing spiked logs that operated to the tune 'Smoke On The Water'.

"Tomo….you sure do come up with the most absurd ideas..", he noted with a nod, humming the song as he studied the pattern.

One..two, two…three,six….five,four,two,one,two,three….

As he stood tapping his foot his eyes were drawn to the area above the pikes. There, directly above the fifth and sixth pike was the landing of the third storey.

In his determined brain a dangerous plan was hatched. Yet, if it managed to be successful it would be his most devious plot to date! If it turned out to be a failure though; it would be time for another long hospital stay…

"Ok, let's do this!", he muttered, humming the tune as he deftly dodged the first set of pikes as they ascended. He then turned to hop over the second set moments before they would have impaled him.

For the third pair he placed his feet over the two holes, gritting his teeth and waiting for them to shoot upwards. Moments later he was granted by a sharp pain in his soles as he pikes pierced his shoes and carried him upwards.

"OWWWW!! OWWWIE!!", he cried, grabbing the edge of the landing above as it came within reach.

The spikes retracted and took his shows with them; leaving him with just bloody socks.

"Damn, damn, damn!", he grumbled, straining to pull himself to the upper landing.

He did so just as the spikes shot upwards once more.

Jay lay there for a moment; panting in an attempt to ignore the pain in his feet. Yet, his energy was almost instantly regained as he saw the passageway leading to the throne room.

He stumbled to his feet and bore onwards; gritting his teeth and sweating profusely. He grinned a bit though, knowing that he would instantly be victorious!

Nobody could have beaten him! He took the most direct route!

As he hobbled around the final turn, holding his arms aloft victoriously…

There sat many of the others gathered around the centre of the hall.

"Aww…they're so precious!", Koyomiko said.

"I wanna hold him!", Osaka said.

"Indeed, they do seem rather adorable.", Funari nodded.

Jay clomped over; boiling mad until..

"Aww! Puppies!", he giggled, falling to his knees to poke his fingers inside the basket that lay there filled with at least half a dozen different breeds of dog.

It seemed everyone was entranced by the cute creatures, that is, except Cartoony who was too busy peeking down Kagura's shirt when she would bend over.

Jay picked up a tiny Basset Hound puppy and nuzzled it close. By gods, was it adorable! It's little floppy ears…the tiny wrinkles on it's face…the shining eyes-

"Peace out, bitches!!", Tomo cackled as she bolted past the group and burst triumphantly into the throne room.

The other sat up; aghast.

"What the hell just happened here?", Kagura questioned, not even noticing the little Pomeranian she had been holding was now urinating on her shoe.

"I…truly do not know…", Madoka muttered; for even she had been deceived by the puppies.

"I beat you all!", Tomo cackled. "Nobody is as awesome as me!!"

Jay stood up; rather upset at this moment as he advanced upon Tomo.

"Tomo….you know what?"

"What? Do I get another prize!?", she grinned.

"You can take THIS gold medal…", he snatched the medal for the Channel Surfing competition from around her neck. "….and stick it right up your-"

He paused then grinned broadly. The gods of evil and deception were pleased at that moment.

"No…in fact, take your medal back.", he said, handing it to her and then turning to the others. "We're going on a trip! Oh! We'll go out to eat; my treat! And then we'll get dessert at that lovely new candy shop. Oh! And maybe this weekend we can go to the beach! Sound good?"

Everyone assembled cheered and clapped in appreciation.

"Thanks, Jay-san!"

"You're the best, Jay!", Tomo patted him on the back.

Jay turned and regarded her with a smile of pure devious nature.

"Everyone except for you, Tomo. Oh, and I'll make sure you stay here. Victor is a really good watchman, you know."

Tomo's eyes went blank and her entire body quaked. Falling to her knees; she screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"Enjoy that gold medal."



--

On the other side of a town, something more…special was occurring.

"Oh, James….I never knew it would be so much fun!", Sakaki smiled, blushing a deep crimson.

"I told you.", James grinned.

POP! POP! WOOF!

"Mr. Tadakichi is so cute all wrapped up like that!", Sakaki giggled.

Indeed there was Mr. Tadakichi…covered in bubble wrap; barking happily as the other two looked on in appreciation.

A shining moment.


	15. Srs Bznz

**Long time no see! Alas, my work has piled up and I'm sorry for that, but Jamesbondkid was kind enough to write me this BtS so enjoy, for it contains foreshadowing!**

* * *

Chiyo sat in the dugout of the Yomiuri Giants in the Tokyo Dome, on the verge of passing out from hyperventilation.

"Oh god…thank you Gman…I will never forget this…" Chiyo said as she hyperventilated some more.

Osaka, meanwhile, sat next to Chiyo, remaining utterly silent, but kept looking at Chiyo out of the corner of her eye.

"Oi, Chiyo-chan, ya hungry?" Osaka suddenly asked.

"Y-y-y-y-yes, Osaka-san… I would love… a hot dog…" Chiyo said in a very high pitched squeal.

"Ok." Osaka said, and quickly got up and left.

Almost immediately, out 3 came, and Koji Uehara came walking into the dug out…

And sat right down next to Chiyo.

For lack of better explanation, Chiyo froze the fuck up.

She couldn't move…she couldn't speak… hell, she couldn't even breathe.

"Hey there." Koji said.

Chiyo passed out.

…

Meanwhile, Osaka was buying two hot dogs. One for her, and one for Chiyo.

She looked around suspiciously, to see if anyone were watching her.

She then took the hot dogs, thanked the person running the hot dog stand and bowed, then started walking back.

As she did, she took the small pill she had gotten from Gman, and stuck it into the hot dog for Chiyo.

"Ah'll discover who ya really are, Chiyo-chan." Osaka said, determination in her voice.

Then Osaka made it back…

And she noticed how Chiyo had passed out.

"Awwwww… damn, guess ah missed out…" Osaka replied.

Osaka took a bite of her own hot dog… oh, how it tasted so exquisite!!

Another bite… the exquisite taste returned!! Oh the lovely explosion of flavor from each bite!!

And another…and another…

And before Osaka knew it, her whole hot dog was gone.

"Nawwww…crap…" Osaka moaned.

She then looked at Chiyo's hotdog…then at Chiyo, still unconscious from her hyperventilation…then back at the hot dog…then at Chiyo…

"Naaaah!! Forgive me, Chiyo-chan!!" Osaka cried. She then wolfed down Chiyo's whole hot dog.

As Osaka's taste buds finally stopped enjoying their roller coaster ride, a thought popped up in Osaka's mind.

Was she…supposed to remember something?

"Nah…must just be mah imagination…" Osaka said with a goofy grin.

…

Meanwhile, Kagura lined up next to Michael Phelps, world-champion swimmer from the Olympics.

Nyamo stood at the side… and she began the countdown.

"On your mark…"

Kagura and Michael bent downwards to ready themselves.

"Get set…"

Both stood ready and poised.

"GO!!"

Both Kagura and Michael dove into the water, swimming in their absolute best form…

Both were neck and neck on the first half-pass, however, Michael started pulling ahead before the pass.

"C'MON, KAGURA!!" Nyamo screamed. "You can do it!!"

The two of them kicked off from the first pass, Michael pulling ahead…

Both of them swam for their lives, but by pass two, Michael had pulled a good lead.

Coming into the half-pass, Michael had half the pool's length on Kagura.

Then…chaos.

"BONZAIIIIIIIIII!!"

Yukari came running out of the shadows, and belly-flopped right in Michael's lane.

Correction…belly-flopped right on Michael himself.

Kagura then swam the half-way mark as Nyamo was headed over to Michael's lane on the side of the pool.

Yukari's head popped out of the water.

"Yukari, what the hell are you doing?!" Nyamo yelled. "That's cheating!!"

"It's not cheating, it's fucking the system!" Yukari replied with a grin.

"YEAH!!" Kagura yelled as she reached the end. "I…" Kagura looked back to see Yukari in Michael's lane. "…won? Yukari-sensei?"

"Whatever it is, you just knocked out Michael Phelps and we'll probably get thrown in prison, or mugged by his millions of fangirls!!" Nyamo yelled.

"And what makes you think you know his fangirls?" Yukari asked.

"Um…coach… Phelps is… um…" Kagura pointed into the water.

"OH MY GOD!!" Nyamo dove into the water.

…

Sakaki lay sleeping in her bed…

A shadow came into the room… it then stopped…hovering above Sakaki…

Kaorin gasped at the sight of her true love.

"Oh, Sakaki-san…" Kaorin swooned. "I shall kidnap you and bear your children"

Sakaki remained gently sleeping.

"Ok…need some blood…" Kaorin said quietly to herself. Thinking quickly, she went for Sakaki's dresser drawer.

And she saw what every Sakaki-craving manical person would ever want…

Sakaki's panties.

"Must…resist…ohjustfiveminutes…"

Kaorin buried her face amongst the unmentionables, her mind in some sort of psychopathic heaven.

"Oh god… if only these were on Sakaki-san when I put my face to them…"

Kaorin's face blushed slightly as she got that red-hot pornographic thought in her mind.

Sakaki began to stir.

Kaorin panicked. She looked around for a hiding spot, and dove under Sakaki's bed.

A moment of stirring, and Sakaki stood up. Kaorin could see her feet from under the bed.

_Oh god…what have I gotten myself into now…_Kaorin thought.

Kaorin then saw something every Sakaki-fanboy would scream for…

Sakaki's pajama bottoms dropped to the floor… and Sakaki stepped out of them.

Kaorin had to cover her mouth to keep from screaming.

Next she saw Sakaki's pajama tops hit the floor as well.

Kaorin's nose began to drip a bit of blood.

Then Sakaki's bra… and her panties both hit the floor.

Kaorin's mind became clouded…she HAD to…

Kaorin moved herself out of the underside of the bed ever so slightly…

And Sakaki…standing there…naked as the day she was born… in front of a mirror, so Kaorin could even see her front side.

Kaorin could have squealed like the Sakaki-fangirl she was.

Kaorin quickly hid back under the bed to avoid being seen, and kept playing that one mental image over and over again in her mind so she would never, ever forget it.

A complete hour passed. Kaorin got out from underneath the bed, feeling like it was safe.

Kaorin walked out of the house, swooning the whole time that she had seen her love naked…

…and completely forgetting what she was supposed to be getting.

…

Meanwhile, Jay, under complete secrecy, snuck into the basement of the palace. Using lock picking skills he picked up from who-knows-where, he worked his way into the basement, and spotted a large treasure chest.

Jay clapped his hands with glee, and marched over to the chest. Using more lock picking skills, he undid the lock, and opened up the chest.

Jay gasped in pure awe. It was like Christmas times two for him!

"The Ark of the Covenant AND the Piltdown Man! Cool!", he squealed like a small girl. "How can my life get any better!?"

At that moment his mobile went off with his usual black metal ringtone he had reserved for Koharu.

Jay answered his phone. "Hello?...oh, hey Koharu… Go somewhere with you?! You mean it?! Really?! Ok, I'm on my way!!"

Jay shut the treasure chest, locked it, left the basement, and ran to where Koharu asked to meet him.

…

Jay and Koharu were now walking along a road.

"So…where are we going again?" Jay asked.

"Right here." Koharu said, stopping in a line.

Lined up were some of the roughest, toughest, meanest looking people Jay had ever seen.

"Oh god…" Jay said, immediately getting the shakes. "U-um…Koharu, you sure about this?"

"Absolutely!" Koharu replied with a Kagura-grin. "It's the Salty Spitoon! I've always wanted to come here!! It's the toughest place around!!"

And within a few minutes, the two were right up at the front of the line, with this big mean guy watching the door.

He immediately looked down at Koharu. "Um…this place isn't for kids…"

"Hey! Don't be stereotyping just because I'm a kid!" Koharu yelled angrily. "Just run through your line!!"

The guy sighed. "Fine…welcome to the Salty Spitoon, how tough are ya?"

Koharu then whipped around, and did Jay's favorite move to the guy standing in line right behind them.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" The man yelled in pain. "SHE'S RIPPED OUT MY SOUL!!"

Koharu dropped it on the ground, then pulled out a sanitary napkin from her pocket, and wiped her hands.

"You want me to do that to you?" Koharu asked with a menacing grin.

The guy's eyes were wide. "Uh…th-that won't be necessary…you can go in."

The guy even turned his 'good thing' away from Koharu as she walked past.

The guy then turned to Jay. "Welcome to the Salty Spitoon, how tough are ya?"

"How tough am I?!" Jay asked with a grin. "You got a new bottle of ketchup?"

The guy magically pulled a ketchup bottle out of nowhere.

Jay then took the bottle, and tried popping it open.

"GRRRRRRGH!! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"

Jay took a small breather…

"MMMMMMMMPH!! GRAAAAAAAAAARGH!! MAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"

Still not opened.

"Um…" Jay gave a sweat-drop. "If I could just run this under some hot water…"

"You just got beat by a little 6-year-old girl…" The guy said in shame.

"Hey! I'll have you know I banged my knee on my computer desk last week while paying my bills, and I only cried for 20 minutes!!" Jay yelled angrily.

"Get outta here…" The guy replied.

Jay grumpily turned, and walked away.

…

Returning home, Jay sat down on his comfy couch, when a knock came on the door.

"Come in." Jay replied, though he wished he would have kept quiet.

The door opened up a crack. "Um…Jay-san?" came Nekosa's sweet voice.

"Oh, good… I could use some cheering up." Jay said with a smile. "Please, come in, Nekosa"

The door opened up…

Nekosa was standing there, with the cutest backpack on, and a cute pink bow on the top of her head.

"Um… I wanted to see if you liked this…" Nekosa asked. Her tail swayed ever so slightly, and she gave the most adorable blush.

And Jay immediately fell to the floor.

Ded uv kyoot.

"WAAAH!! J-JAY-SAN!!" Nekosa yelled, running to his side.

Almost immediately, one person in an ambulance uniform rushed in with a girder.

"Oh my…this is not good!" The EMS unit said. "Step aside!"

Nekosa got out of the way as this one person rolled Jay onto the gurney rather haphazardly.

"U-um…are you doing that right?" Nekosa asked.

"Do not question me!" The EMS unit replied. "Do you want his life to be saved or not?!"

The EMS unit then pulled the gurney up so it was on wheels, and started rolling Jay out and into the ambulance.

"Oh no!! Jay-san!!" Nekosa yelled. "Let me come with!!"

"Er…no. Family only." The EMS unit said hastily, before shutting the door. The ambulance then drove off.

…

News of Jay's 'ded uv kyoot' attack spread quickly to the cast of Help Desk, and soon all of them were gathered in Jay's office.

"Who's going to host Help Desk now?!" Chiyo asked.

"James?" Sakaki asked.

"Cartoony?" Kagura asked.

"You mean they didn't tell you two?" Koharu asked.

…

Cartoony and James were wrapped in bandages, lying in separate hospital beds across from each other.

"Now…Mr. James, you have bite and scratch marks all over your body… and Ms. Cartoony, you have some serious gunshot wounds on your body…" The police officer said. "Is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"Nope." They both replied, giving obvious fake smiles.

The officer raised an eyebrow, but left anyway, leaving James and Cartoony to glare at each other.

…

"Well…they're out of commission…" Tomo said in an obvious tone.

"Well, who the fuck does that leave?!" Yukari asked.

The door opened up wide.

"IT SHALL BE ME!!" AR yelled.

"LIKE HELL!!" Kaorin growled, whipping a shovel out of nowhere.

"Oh crap!!" AR yelled, this time in more of a panicked tone. He then turned and ran.

"Come back here, you sissy!!" Kaorin yelled, chasing after him.

THWIP!

And Kaorin fell to the ground, her shovel skidding across the floor.

"Kaori, you need to learn to control your emotions." Chihiro replied, re-holstering her dart gun.

…

BZZZZZZZZT!!

Jay awoke, revived only somewhat…

"hmhmhmhm…welcome, Mr. Jay."

Jay's first observation was that he was tied to a chair, along with being handcuffed and gagged.

The lights then came on, blinding Jay for a moment.

Someone stepped out of the shadows… and into the light. More specifically, the EMS unit that had originally rolled Jay out.

Jay began bouncing up and down in his chair, anger, rage, and fury all burning within.

"Glad you recognize me, Mr. Jay" The EMS unit said with a nasty grin. "I'm willing to bet you probably remember what you did to me in that war."

"MMMM MMMMPH MMM HMMM HMMM MMMMMMMMPH!!" Jay tried yelling through the gag.

"Begging won't help…" The EMS unit replied, rolling up a TV. "And here is your torture…"

Jay's eyes went wide.

"Oh, don't worry… it's not High School Musical 3…" The EMS unit replied. "I'm not THAT evil."

Jay let out a small sigh of relief.

But the EMS unit pushed play…

And Jay's eyes went wide again… to him, this was on an equal level to High School Musical 3…

"Hmhmhm…now to send in my letter…" The EMS unit replied, walking away from Jay as he was tortured beyond imagination.

…


	16. Era Chaosium

**Welcome back to BtS!**

* * *

The morning was chilly and that made it all the more difficult to awaken for poor Jay. He hated the autumn chill and that was exactly what was windows of his room had frosted over, even though he had been told they would not.

Lying bastards.

After a few minutes of flagrant complaining and muttered curses, Jay slithered from the bed over to his agenda book to see just what was in store for that day. That is to say, he had been lax about checking his agenda for the week previous. Usually it was done on Sundays, for he always happened to work better under pressure.

Today was one of those days.

As he scanned back through the previous week, he noted an event that had been completely overlooked.

"OH GODS DAMMIT! IT WAS MADOKA'S BIRTHDAY!!"

Grabbing his clothes off the hangers, he quickly dressed and hurried from the room with a wad of cash in order to buy the girl a splendid gift!

'Now what would a shrine-maiden with a wooden beat-stick like for her birthday?', he mulled.

No, he couldn't get her a new shinai...too trite for his taste. Civilian clothes was another option, but that still seemed too base.

He needed something that would be truly useful to her. Something that would make her life easier.

Then it struck him.

"Perfect!", he egressed.

---

"Just stand there.", Koharu ordered.

"Here?", Koyomiko asked, positioning herself in front of the propped up matress.

"Yeah, like that. Now keep real still.", Koharu squinted one eye to make sure she was lined up properly.

The large Meiji era roomw as quiet for a moment. The only sound was the deep breathing of the two girls.

"Koharu-chan.", Koyomiko spoke.

"Huh?", Koharu grunted, not wanting to completely break her concentration.

"What are we doin' again?"

Koharu straightened her stance once more and sighed.

"Just stand there cuz I wanna try something cool! Don't worry, the matress will make sure you don't get hurt."

Koyomiko nodded happily. Her cheer was so oblivious, and that's what Koharu loved about her.

"Alright....", Koharu spoke breathily as she pulled back her brass-clad right fist.

Koyomiko smiled and hummed softly to herself.

"Koharu..."

Koyomiko tapped her foot to the melody of the song she was humming.

"PUUUUUUNNNNCCCHHHH!!"

Koharu's speeding fist connected with Koyomiko's midsection with marvelous impact sent Koyomiko reeling back, but her body never quite touched the back-board as pure cinnabar energy bloomed from the Zero Point. For a moment, time ceased to exist. All there is, was and ever will be returned to the base Chaos.

Then the Universe itself split into component matter and time was rushed forward like an oncoming wave. Just as quickly, existance was sucked back into the proper stream like the undertow of an endless ocean.

"Owww...", Koyomiko droned, holding her stomach in pain.

"Darn...", Koharu sighed. "That wasn't as cool as I thought it would be!"

Both girls stood silently for a few moments, each staring at the floor for their own respective reasons.

"Eh? What's this?", Koyomiko questioned, squeezing at her chest.

"Huh?", Koharu looked up to notice that something certainly was different about the other girl. She was taller....her clothes were larger to match...as was her...chest.

"Ah!", Koyomiko squealed happily. "I'm like Kaa-san!"

At that point Koharu looked down at her own body and screamed in fear as she found herself the same as her friend: taller, older and far bustier.

"Isn't this just the coolest!?", Koyomiko spouted, hopping cheerfully from one foot to the next.

"Hrm...", Koharu mulled for a moment. "You might be right!"

"Let's go show our parents!"

"Okay!", Koharu announced as they rushed gleefully from the room.

---

Jay trotted hopefully out into the common room, rustling through his wallet to make sure he had enough yen to buy what was necessary.

"100,012.", he said. "Fantastic!"

With that he cheerfully whistled to himslf as he wandered out the front door, nearly tripping over a to-scale representation of Hawaii.

"Gah!", cried he as he stumbled. "What the hell is this!?"

"Don't you recognize it?!", Tomo questioned, approaching from behind him to reveal herself as wearing a woolen flight jacket and a lined hat with goggles.

At that point Jay face-palmed the most intense facepalm that he had ever granted the mercy of performing.

"Tomo, that was almost 60 years ago...."

"So? They attacked us, remember! They can do it again anytime!!", she cried, her arms flailing and making the leather jacket creak.

"No, Tomo. For the last time, we are NOT going to bomb Pearl Harbour!"

"Why not!?"

"It's been done!! Besides, I'm more than happy to defend myself but I am NOT under any circumstances going to START a war!!", Jay screamed, his arms flailing in an equally as dramatic form.

"So you mean I built this whole model for nothing?"

Jay gave the scale model a quick once-over. Indeed, it was one of Tomo shockingly-skillful midnight endeavours that he still had not concluded how she managed to pull off in the dead of night and in such a short period of time. It covered approximately half of the car park out in front of the building; indeed, it was visible from the road. What was most amazing about it was the intricate detail put into every nook and cranny of the mountains that surrounded the famous harbour. She had even dumped in measured amounts of water.

"Why do you hide your intelligence?", Jay asked, aghast at her archetectural glory.

"Because people like you yell at me when I do something with it!!", Tomo retorted.

Jay stood silent for a moment. He had no response, for what she had said was true.

"Fair enough.", he managed to blurt out.

"Geez....", Tomo sighed, turning to stomp off.

"Tomo, try to focus your efforts on something a bit more productive, ne?", Jay said as he turned to leave himself.

"Yeah, whatever!", she called back, dismissively waving her hand.

---

"Ah...the mornings here are so serene.", Shaun noted, squeezing Yomi's hand a bit tighter as they sat on the balcony that sprouted near the highest point of the palace.

"Always with you they are...", Yomi smiled, squeezing his hand back.

They kissed one another softly in the cool morning air and gazed at the rapidly colouring sky. As the sun rose they noticed a tiny black speck approaching from the east.

"What's that?", Shaun noted.

"I...dunno.", Yomi answered, shielding her eyes from the glare of the sun.

As if time itself ripped open and then reformed itself like some sort of celluloid film, the black object grew to an unidentifiable form of great size wielding wide wings.

"HOLY CRAP!!", Shaun screamed as long, sharp talons raked his forearms.

"GOOD GOD!! GET AWAY!!", Yomi cried, swatting at the maliciously ugly creature that was assaulting her boyfriend.

The beast continued to lash out with fury at Shaun, who was just managing to back away toward the sliding doors to the inside.

Just then the doors slid open and a loud report was heard as something impacted the beast's chest, sending it reeling away into the garden below in a spray of celadon-coloured blood.

"WAGH!!", Shaun and Yomi hugged one another tightly as they panted, attempting to recover from the frightening encounter.

Osaka stepped up beside them, wielding a large-bore rifle.

"It's back....", she muttered.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?", Shaun cried.

"Mothman...."

---

"Right this way.", Victor spoke in halting English as he escorted a violently shuddering young man up the stairs towards the room of little Chiyo Mihama.

"T-t-t-t-t-thank you....", stuttered the man, shivering as Victor knocked upon the door.

The door opened and Chiyo stood there with a bright smile plastered across her immediately noticed the nervous man standing beside Victor and bowed accordingly.

"Good morning! Pleased to meet you! You must be Sammy! I am Chiyo Mihama!"

"I....I....I....", Sammy stuttered, bowing deeply and stumbling as he did so.

Chiyo giggled and moved aside, inviting him inside as Victor walked off to attend to other matters. Sammy entered as shaky as ever, his knees were nearly knocking together with anxiety. Chiyo presented him with a chair to sit in, for he certainly needed one.

"I hear you want me to teach you some Japanese, Sammy-san?", Chiyo beamed her bright smile.

"Y-y-y-y-y-yes....I-if you wouldn't mind...Mihama-sempai.", he stuttered, wringing his hands indecently.

"Don't worry! I'll have you speaking well by this evening!", she pronounced, grabbing her Japanese grammar guide for assistance.

They became so engrossed in learning that neither noticed the sinister black form that flittered past the window; a great being...

---

"By gods....the horror!", Jay protested, gasping for breath outside 'Shinji's Book Cave': the cesspit of book warehouses.

Indeed, this merchant was one of sin! If one was looking for the most dismal and grim of books: be it sex or violence, one could find it here. The man dealt in sleaze and derison.

Jay steeled his mind for what may be within and plunged into the Abyss. It was dark within, the bass on the speakers pumping out monotonous techno: Jay's worst nightmare!

'This is Hell...truly..', he mused.

It was a challenge pushing his way past customers that reeked of asparagus and sulpher and looked even worse. Indeed, he was not meant for such a place in his conservative clothing. His aim was for the middle section, whose blood-red sign read: Internetz.

Not only was this rack in mobid disarray, but the contents simply gave off an aura of pure despair; this was the worst of contents, the Chaos.

Shifty individuals in rank wife-beaters and black leather wandered the shelves as Jay quickly located and snatched up the volume he was looking for, not stying any longer than necessary. As he headed to the register, even the cashier was imposing with his sixteen eyes and four tongues.

"H-hi...", Jay stuttered as he handed over his purchase along with the exact change in yen.

The cashier took both and entered the information into the register before turning to Jay and regarding him with seven of his sixteen eyes. Jay cowered under the gaze, hoping to various spirits that he could just recieve his purchase and leave unharmed with all his body parts intact.

The odd creature blinked.

"GRRAARRGGGHHHH!!", it roared, the foul breath covering Jay with strings of viscous spittle.

"WAGGGHHHH!!", Jay cried, falling to the floor in a foetal position.

The beastly humans that inhabited the store laughed uproarously. There was no mercy. He suddenly felt something hit him in the chest; it was the book. It hurt like the dickens.

Jay wasted no time now; he grabbed the large volume and rocketed from the store to the raucous laughter of those that disapproved of his normalcy. With a heaving sigh, he clutched the book to his chest and hurried off back to the studio; away from the ungodly hordes.

---

Yomi sat beside Sakaki in the lobby of the palace and flipped idly through a teen magazine she had been receiving since she was thirteen years of age. Sakaki seemed to be engrossed in the latest National Geographic that she had stolen from jay's room; most likely because it contained an expose on the mating habits of Siberian wolves.

Their silence was interrupted by the clattering of feet down the nearby wooden stairway. A single thought passed through Yomi's brain.

'Oh God, please don't let it be Tomo bringing home hookers again..."

To her relief it was not Tomo. Yet, to her immediate chagrin, it was Koharu and Koyomiko...with boobs.

"Ga-whaaaa!?", she cried, dropping her reading and nearly falling from the seat in sheer awe.

"Hrm?", Sakaki looked up to see the two enter the room and blushed profusely although her interior was screaming because they were no longer children.

"Ain't it cool, Kaa-san!?", Koyomiko spouted, thrsting out her chest.

"Koyomiko Takino-Mizuhara! I demand that you reverse whatever....devil-majik made you this way!", Yomi exclaimed, stamping her foot.

"B-but it's fun!", Koyomiko whined, jumping up and down....for certain reasons of her own.

"G-gah! Don't do that!", Yomi reprimanded as Sakaki simply stared on, her mouth agape and stuck in a state of pure shock.

"Awww...this sucks...", Koharu lamented.

"Yeah..let's go...", Koyomiko drawled as they slunk off back up the stairs.

Only then did Sakaki's head ratchet aroud toward Yomi.

"What...was that about?", she asked.

".....Breasts.", Yomi managed to respond.

---

"You're doing so well!", Chiyo nodded, proud at Sammy's progress.

Sammy blushed in response, giggling unontrollably at the prospect of being praised by the genius.

"W-well thank you! Couldn't have done it without your help."

They each received a fine dispensation for their ego as they sat there, chatting away in a mix of English and Japanese. It was a touching moment; Chiyo finally becoming a teacher. All emotion was spreading warmth of appreciation and goodness. For Chiyo it was as if she were in her element; the purest of the pure, the mos-

"SKAAWWWAAAAKKKK!!"

The two screamed as a vicious flying black beast burst through the windows on the far side of the room; its appendages flailing as one Ayumu Kasuga tried her best to wrestle the creature into submission.

"DOWN!! BEGONE MOTHMAN!!", she cried, jabbing a short stake into its back.

Sammy and Chiyo cowered in a corner of the room, propping up a nearby chest of drawers in order to protect them from the thrashing, bleeding creature. As Osaka continued to thrust the stake into its spinal cord, the beast soon fluttered its last and lay still.

"W-w-w-w-what is that thing!?!??", Chiyo squealed, her eyes expunging tears by the litre.

Osaka dismounted the creature, covered in greenish ichor and smiled awkwardly.

"Mothman. Sorry for interruptin'."

And with that she simply dragged Mothman by his clawed arm out the door and down the corridor.

"That was...strange.", Sammy noted.

"Uh-huh...", Chiyo agreed.

---

Jay turned the corner to the palace and rushed through the gates, intent on getting Madoka's gift to her a soon as possible. But, he had one last stop to make due to his throat being completely parched to the point where it was painful to swallow.

So en route to the main gate of the castle proper, he made a stop by the nearby vending machine and inserted 100 yen, pushing the button for a raspberry drink. He waited a moment, panting and smiling slightly at his ungodly luck. The book was now in his possession: 'An Introduction to the Internetz".

Within the pages of this book was contained all the knowledge a 'n00b' to the Internetz would need to know; specifically detailed discussions about the various horrors found within. Indeed it would be quite the educational tool for Madoka's introduction to the 'real world'.

It was then that he noticed the can had not fallen into the tray below. At this point he bent down to fish up inside the machine for it.

"Damn thing....", he muttered.

Odd thing was that the can was nowhere in sight, not stuck in the machine or anything of the sort.

"The hell....", he said, standing up and assessing the machine externally.

Along the right side he noticed that the machine was open slightly, only a crack.

"Ah...that's why.", Jay nodded, reaching to close it when he was halted by the door swinging open fully to reveal a large-eyed red, upright cat holding the drink Jay was seeking in his stringy arms.

"Here you are, nya.", it said in a lilting tone, handing over the drink, which Jay took.

The drink was warm. Jay knew it was going to be warm.

"It's warm.", he said anyhow.

"That's body-heat, nya.", the cat responded.

Jay seethed on the spot, throwing the drink to the dirt ground so hard that it burst open, scattering the contents. In his blind rage he stormed off towards the palance, knowing full well who was at fault for this travesty.

"TOMO!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!??!?!", he screamed as he stepped through the doors.

It did not take long for him to locate her, as the entire palace was in an uproar; people were running every which way to escape the various foreign invaders that were mulling about causing said Chaos.

"GAHHH!! There you are Jay!!", Tomo, dressed in HIS labcoat, yelled running up to him.

"WHAT THE BLOOD HELL IS GOING ON HERE!??!?", Jay inquired, restraining deeply from punching her directly in her obnoxious face.

"I was just- "

"KA-ME-HA-ME-HAAA!!"

"WATCH OUT!!", Tomo tackled Jay safely out of the way of the roiling beam of energy that torched the location where they were just standing. Together they cowered behind an ancient tapestry, hoping that the invaders would not see them.

"Tomo, I want ALL of these characters OUT of here and back to their own worlds.....NOW!", Jay screamed, clanching his fists like invisible stress balls.

"It's not my fault! Well...ermm...", she stuttered, raising ehr voice to be heard above the din. "Me and Osaka were trying to get Mothman outta here and we opened the portal and stuff and then all these wackos started coming out and we couldn't control them!"

Jay was floored. He rubbed his temples in an attempt to calm.

"..Why were you in the lab?", he asked coolly.

She shrugged with her trademark grin.

"Just tryin' to help out."

"Tomo, I hate you so much.", Jay sighed and then divised a plan. "Okay...if we reverse the portal they should all go away. We gotta get to the lab."

Tomo grinned and snatched his wrist, yanking him boldly to his feet before running off at a dead sprint, dragging him behind.

"TOMO, YOU MORON!"

Through the corridors they fled, passing epic battles and Yukari bashing a few aliens over the head with beer bottles. They even passed Sakaki, who immediately presented a small child and asked to keep her.

"No, Sakaki. I'm sorry but you can't keep Chibi-Moon....she's evil."

Sakaki was immediately disheartened and Jay was sure she would be sulking for the next year and a half due to this most recent disappointment.

Upon reaching the door to the basement laboratory, Jay instructed Tomo to enter and await his call over her mobile phone to turn the portal in reverse.

"Why wait!?", Tomo asked incredulously.

"I have some hunting to do.....", he noted with a grin, dismissing her and making his way through the chaotic palace. On every level there were various characters mulling about, seeming to be causing disarray as the sole intent of their journey. It almost seemed....coordinated.

"Oh, I'll get you...", Jay muttered, making his way cautiously to the palace armoury.

He managed to slip through the barred doors moments before a crew of odd-seeming pirates wandered by. Moving quickly across the large room, he requisitioned his keychain from his pocket and jammed a certain key into the lock on a small box. Lifting the oaken lid he snatached the ornate key from within. Key in hand, he made his way to the back of the room where lay three large oak boxes decorated with gorgeous scenes of Japanese history; one of the birth of the world, one portraying Susanoo defeating Orochi and the third showing the emergence of Amaterasu from the cave; returning light to the world.

He made his way to the one painted with Orochi's death and inserted the key, twisting it a full three times before the lock would open.

His breath caught in his throat as he lifted the lid gingerly and beheld one of the greatest sights one may ever have the glory of glancing upon:

The great sword Kusanagi no Tsurugi.

It was a wonder to behold, a blade over 80 centimetres in length and straight as the greatest of arrows. The embossed handle was fit for a god and the blade itself shone like an otherworldly silver; some say it is forged of the mystical orchalcum, others say mythrill. Regardless, it is the face of perfection itself.

Jay reached down and grasped the handle, the power of Susanoo himself seemed to flow through his veins as he lifted the blade. It felt light as a feather, deftly belying what it should weigh. His reflection shone back perfectly as he gazed upon it with a small grin.

"Oh yes....you will die...you..will die~"

---

"This is madness!", Madoka cried, bashing one of the invaders; a raging were-beast, over the head with her shinai.

"Gah!", Kagura groaned as one of the collection of large wolf-like creatures slashed open her forearm with its great claws. Blood flowed freely, staining the ancient wood below her feet.

"Kagura-san!", Madoka called out, attempting to push past the beasts to no avail; she was thrown back by the powerful arm of one, sending her rolling across the corridor and stopping only when her back struck a nearby door.

"D-doesn't look good!", Kagura screamed in pain as she tried to regain her footing while the score of beasts advanced.

"N-no!", Madoka stuttered, her strength giving out as she did all she could to block the beastly attacks with her shinai in order to give Kagura enough room to retreat. "RUN, KAGURA-SAN!"

"No, Madoka! I'm staying!", Kagura replied through grit teeth.

"We will all die!"

"Oh, no you won't!"

A whispering splitting sound was heard as Jay swung his blade in a deadly arc that deftly cut through the midsections of three of the creatures, sending their seperated parts to the floor in a blood mass of gristle.

Upon seeing the fall of their compaions, the remaining creatures seemed to gain the sense to turn and flee the scene.

"J-jay-san...t-that is...", Madoka stuttered, pointing a shaking finger at the balde, her eyes as wide as could be.

"Yeah, yeah I know. But..holy shit! Did you see that!?", Jay giggled, hopping form foot-to-foot gleefully.

"Couldn't have come at a better time.", Kagura grinned broadly.

"Oh man! Are you two okay!?", Jay cried upon noting Kagura's wound.

"Ah, I'm fine.", Kagura nodded, showing that the would had already begun to scab. "It'll be okay."

"And I am okay as well.", Madoka nodded, getting to her feet.

"Where is everyone else?", Jay asked.

"Barricaded in their rooms. Me and Madoka were caught out in the open when all these crazies showed up!", Kagura explained.

"Yes.", Madoka confirmed. "They attacked without notice."

"Now, I must ask....do they seem to have a leader?"

Both girls shook their heads saying they could not be sure.

"I see...well, I must be off. I have business to attend to."

With that Jay ran up the nearby stairwell, headed for the top floor and his goal.

Kagura and Madoka shared a flabbergasted glance at one another.

"Has Jay ever been this cool before?", Kagura asked.

"I believe he is simply playing a role.", Madoka noted.

"Oh. I thought he was actually a badass for a change."

---

Jay advanced down the long, tapestry-lined hallway and thrust open the large engraved doors at the end with a single push, stepping triumphantly into the throne room.

Before him lay the enormous centre of the palace, complete with a large gold-layerd throne at the far end with two smaller wooden thrones to either side. The walls to his left and right were lined with windows made of the clearest glass that overlooked the beautiful gardens below.

There was only one spot, one blemish to ruin the impeccable scene. And that blemish was sitting in HIS throne at that very moment dressed in tiny royal robes like some midget empress. This bastard-queen grinned at him as he set foot onto the hardwood floor.

"Konata Izumi, you Whore of Babylon", Jay growled, tightening his grip on the handle of Kusanagi.

"Why so serious?", she quipped, smiling tenderly with only the slightest hint of mischief.

"Cut the crap, Konata!", Jay roared, advancing upon the sitting girl with Kusanagi raised. "I'm going to kill you right here, right now!"

"Aww. Ya don't have to eb so mean, you know!", she giggled, pouting cutely.

"Oh, don't give me that you empusa!", Jay huffed, closing the gap between them by the moment.

"You wouldn't like me being Empress? I'd be the cutest Empress ever, oh yes I would.", she swooned, smiling in a cat-like manner.

"I'M GOING TO LOP YOUR HEAD OFF AND STICK IT ON THE BATTLEMENTS!", Jay screamed, rearing back Kusanagi and swinging it in a wide arc that would have taken her head off without a hitch.....if she had still been there. Instead the blade flashed through vacant air, the force of the swing sending Jay stumbling in a half-circle.

"Tsk tsk.", she tutted, standing a few metres behind him at this point. "You're no good with a blade, are you now?"

"GRRRARRGGGGG!!", Jay growled like some sort of hell-beast as he ran headlong toward the girl, blade leveled to impale her abdomen in one fell-swoop.

He never felt his mobile phone fall from his pocket.

---

Beep! Beep!!

Tomo turned from the preservation glass containing the five-headed alien and reached for her mobile, noting the name on the screen: Jay.

"Sweet! It's show time!"

With that she turned a few gauges and flicked a couple switches which sent the roiling portal nearby into a reverse, anti-clockwise turn.

"I'm such a genius.", she noted with a pleasant, self-serving sigh.

---

Once again Jay's blade whizzed through empty air and embedded itself in the far wall. At this point his rage had reached a boiling point that would not be quelled. He retreived his blade easily, it slid like butter from the wall, before turning on teh girl who was giggling mischiviously in the centre of the room.

"You're so bad at this, Jay-chan!", she leaned forward a bit as if taunting him with her nubile charms. "I really should take your place. I'm so much better and a lot cuter too!"

It might have been the stress or the anger, but Jay did not question that plan that popped into his head at that moment. Her weakness, he must exploit it!

"Hey Konata! Look! It's Haruhi Suzumiya!", he screamed excitedly, pointing behind her where there was nothing but empty space.

"OH MY GOD WHERE!?!?", she cried with glee, spinning about to meet her heroine.

Jay grinned wildly, taking this simple opportunity to rush up quickly, pulling the blade back in order to impale her from behind and end this torment once and for all.

"NOW DIE, SPAWN OF ABBADON!"

It looked like a television that was losing its signal and turning to static. That was how she dissolved instantly in his sight. Kusanagi once more passed through open air to impale nothing but the wooden floor. But this time it was different and Jay recognized why.

The portal had been switched and Konata had been sucked back to her own blasphemous world. Some know it as Purgatory.

Yet, in his shock, Jay stood up and glanced quickly about the room; there was no sign of the demon-child. She was gone...for now.

His pathetic weeping at that time was further enhanced by the recognition of his mobile phone that lay on the floor, its shining screen showing that it had speed-dialed Tomo's phone upon striking the ground.

"No...NO...NOOOOOOO!", he wailed, falling to his knees. In his new rage he dailed Tomo's phone again.

"Yo Jay!", she picked up. "Did you see that!? They all went ZOOOOM! I did good!"

"TOMO YOU IDIOT!! I HATE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!", Jay raged, tossing his phone with enough force to shatter it into two bits upon the wall of the throne room.

There, upon his failed battlefield, he wept openly.

---

"Geez....", Tomo noted, staring at her phone. "What got into his trousers?"

She simply shrugged it off and hopped not-so-gracefully up the stairs to the main floor.

Everything was safe and well, at least according to her. And, as we all know, when Tomo is happy, everyone is happy. Or...at least they SHOULD be.

* * *


	17. Help Wars Vol 1

**Enjoy the first installation of the Help Wars!**

**

* * *

**

It was a brisk winter's day a half-week following the New Year when little Chiyo sagaciously strode into Jay's office with an urgent message. Jay, occupied with thoughts of retribution, did not notice the entrance of the girl.

"Does everyone have a damned programme nowadays?", Jay sighed, running his fingers through his hair in frustration as he pored over the latest Intercontinental Ratings Bulletin.

Indeed, the list of new talk programmes that had begun within the last month was extensive and consisted of nearly every known conglomeration of individuals who happened to take it to mind to suddenly apply for a programme license in hopes that someone, anyone, would send them questions so they may become a popular 'fandom' so-to-say.

"Uhh….Jay-san?", Chiyo interjected softly as he continued to rustle the pages.

The question went unheeded as Jay's musings continued to develop within his mind.

"The majority of them are funded by a Kecil Lunak. Odd…", Jay scratched his head again. He had never heard of this man and he was sure that he would at least be knowledgeable of someone that wealthy. The man produced over forty different shows!

"Jay-san?", Chiyo spoke again, this time a bit louder.

This plea went ignored as well. Jay continued to rub his chin and mull over the connections he was drawing in his brain.

"Something is fishy here. I've never heard of this man until these programmes started to pop up and all of them are bloody popular! Even that damned Lucky Help Line….", Jay said, finalising his next point of action.

"Jay-san!", Chiyo finally snapped, covering her mouth afterwards in horror at her actions.

Jay looked up from his work, placing it in the centre of his desk and regarding the little girl with mixed shock and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, Chiyo-chan. How long have you been there?", he questioned.

"Long enough to hear you talk to yourself.", she giggled.

Jay scooted his chair back from the desk with a sharp squeal and slumped a bit.

"Sorry….just terribly distracted.", he admitted with a hungry cast to his eyes.

"I know…", Chiyo muttered. "We'll fix this! I know we can make it work between our show and hers!"

"Only after her head is impaled on the Lance of Longinus.", Jay ground his teeth in fury.

"Right….", Chiyo deadpanned. "The new girl is here though, Jay-san."

Jay's mood perked up at once. It was like a child hearing a new batch of Rocky Road ice cream had just come in stock!

"Really now?", he spoke cheerfully. "Let's go welcome her properly!"

He ushered Chiyo from the room before following her down the stairs to the lobby.

"I certainly hope she enjoys her stay here.", Chiyo proposed with a bright smile.

"Oh, I'm sure she will. And she'll get to meet her parents too!", Jay responded, flicking the air as if to make a point.

"Oh, that's right!", said Chiyo in surprise as the memory came back to her. "I just love the kids. They're all so cute!"

"Indeed they are.", Jay said. He never regretted any of the children he had taken in to perform on his show. Each and every one was charming in their own little way.

As they continued to walk, Jay recalled exactly what he had to be doing before Chiyo had interrupted his reverie. He spoke up.

"Chiyo-chan, I have to make plans for the reconnaissance team so could you escort our new friend to her quarters?"

"Of course.", Chiyo responded. "Be careful, Jay-san."

"I will.", he said as they turned the corner to come face-to-face with an anthropomorphic white tiger girl and a small, black-haired child with a creepy blue cap. She was clutching an orange tiger plush close to her body for protection.

"Took ya long enough!", spat the tiger girl with a salacious grin.

"Good morning to you too, Ms. Cartoony~", Jay lilted. "And here's little Kaida."

The small girl drew back away from Jay as he knelt to her level. Soon she was taking refuge behind Cartoony's legs and peering out suspiciously.

"It's ok, Kaida.", Cartoony cooed. "Jay is a nice guy. Besides, you wanted to come here. It's okay. It's safe."

Ever so slowly Kaida emerged from behind Cartoony to stare in a lackadaisical fashion up at Jay, who responded with a kind smile.

"H-hello.", she squeaked.

"Hello, Kaida-chan.", Jay smiled and offered his hand. "I'm Jay and I'll make sure you have a grand time living here. Please tell me if there is anything at all that I may do for you. Welcome to the family!"

Kaida smiled and took Jay's hand sheepishly, grasping it with her tiny fingers.

"Yeah! And if anyone gives you trouble I'll make sure to scratch their faces off!", Cartoony expounded proudly.

Kaida giggled and turned back to smile up at Cartoony who patted her cap in a motherly manner.

"Be a good girl, okay Kaida?", she said.

"Yes.", Kaida nodded. "I will."

"Fantastic!", Jay said, patting Kaida on the head as well before handing her off to Chiyo.

"I'll be taking you to your room, okay Kaida-chan?", Chiyo spoke brightly as they latched hands and walked away with Kaida looking back every few steps and waving her tiger plush in the air as a form of farewell.

Cartoony waved back and blinked a bit to clear the mist that was gathering in her eyes.

"She'll enjoy herself. Don't fret.", Jay said, reassuring Cartoony that her child would be just fine.

"Yeah…I know. Can't help but worry though.", she admitted.

"Anyhow….I can count on you to help with the attack when I call upon it?", Jay asked, his countenance changing from playful to serious in an instant.

"Of course! Gotta show that little bugger a lesson!", Cartoony grinned.

"Fabulous~", Jay chuckled. "I must make preparations! Thank you for allowing Kaida to come stay with us!"

"Anytime!", Cartoony said as they both waved and turned to leave.

---

Jay clomped back up to his office, distressing over a notion that had come to mind while he was conversing with Cartoony. The problem was Mr. AR. Jay had always known that AR was a closet fan of Konata Izumi's work and such a concept boggled Jay's mind. He knew that it would be difficult to convince him, but his help would be appreciated.

Regardless, he rang AR on his mobile.

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?", AR picked up.

"Hey there, AR! I need to ask you something.", Jay proposed.

"Can it wait? I'm sorta…in the middle of playing Soul Calibur IV.", AR responded sheepishly. He was never one to refute the requests of a friend.

"Actually…it's very important. You see, Konata Izumi has her own damn 'Lucky Help Line' and I've recently declared war upon it, as I'm sure you know. But…if you could spare some time I would certainly appreciate your help in banishing this aberration from the face of the Earth for good! …Please?"

"I wish I could help, you know I do. But…I've never really had anything against Lucky Star and….ACK! Dammit!", AR cursed.

"Huh? What happened?", Jay questioned.

"Grr….I JUST GOT BEATEN ONLINE BY SOMEONE CALLED ILUVGIRLSWITHGLASSES!"

Jay shivered at the online alias of his nemesis.

"It was….her."

"I'll join you in the fight! Nobody makes a monkey out of AR!!",

"Glad to hear it! I'll ring again when the time is ripe!", Jay cheerfully said and hung up.

He managed to skip to his office after that to call the other authors and let them know he appreciated their help. But his main task was still in mind. He needed to meet up with his reconnaissance team to plot a special sabotage of the Lucky Help Line studios.

---

"Ah Gadd! It's shrinkin'! They must have that there Devil Majiks!", Osaka wailed as she peered through the binoculars at the Lucky Help Line studios which was strategically positioned in a heavily wooded area, providing for plenty of cover.

"That's because you're holding them backwards, you dimwit!", Kagura reprimanded, flipping the spyglasses around for Osaka.

"Ah. GAH! Now it's getting' bigger!", she screamed, dropping the device.

"Oh for the love of…", Kagura facepalmed.

"You're both idiots! It only grows bigger on Tuesdays!", Tomo nodded.

"Ohh….", Osaka droned. "Today is Wednesday, right?"

This was the elite reconnaissance team that Jay had sent to gather data about the enemy studios. As strange as it may sound, these usually inept individuals were quite adept at spy work; mostly due to Tomo's need to pretend she was Fujiko Mine. It was always a sad, pitiful dream of hers; but it got her to work when work needed doing.

"If Jay sees us screwing around like this we'll lose our work! And like hell I'm going to let THAT happen!", Tomo announced, placing her foot triumphantly upon a rock.

"It's ok, Tomo. I've been here for ten minutes already.", Jay said, having been standing beside Osaka.

"WAGH! You scared me!", Tomo jumped back.

"Hehe….well, how's it coming?', Jay asked, crouching beside them to regard the complex facility in the distance.

"We've been out here fer three days eatin' squirrels and berries and steppin' in deer poop and…"

"I mean, how is the SPYING coming?", Jay enunciated, interrupting Osaka's rambling before it grew into its own sentient life-form.

"Coming along great!", Tomo announced. "See that building right there? The one that looks like an anus."

Jay peered through the tree-line and indeed spotted a round, multi-level building that resembled said sphincter.

"Yeah. What's it for?", he asked.

"That….", Tomo posed proudly, hands on hips. "..is where all the letters are dropped off! By the damn truckload!"

"Yeah..she sure gets a tonne of letters…", Kagura nodded.

"By gods!", Jay growled, his fist clenched so hard that his skin was beginning to rot. "If we take it out….she can't have a show!"

The three Bonkuras gazed at one another; shocked. Kagura shrugged.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too!", Tomo spoke with a grin.

"Well, we gotta get in there!", Jay chuckled maliciously as he drew his fingernails across a nearby rock, bloodying his cuticles.

"Just us four? It'll be hell if we're caught!", Kagura said.

"Oh, not just us. One more should be along soon. She practically throttled me into letting her come after she heard you were here.", Jay spoke, motioning a solitary index finger at Kagura.

"Me? Who is-"

"KAGURA!"

And thusly she was tackled by her most rabid fan: Cartoony.

"Oh my god! Get off me!", Kagura cried, struggling in the tight, loving, warm, comfy grasp of the tiger-girl who was currently nuzzling her face between Kagura's ample chest.

With a final rub, Cartoony hopped to her feet cheerfully.

"Yeah! Let's kick some butt!"

"Why her? Why did it have to be her?", Kagura mumbled under her breath as she got to her feet, brushing off her dirtied fatigues.

"So, how we gonna get in?", Cartoony questioned, hopping around impatiently.

"Ventilation system?", Jay asked.

"Nah.", Osaka corrected. "There's a set a' emergency stairs that would be better."

"Sounds good to me.", Jay nodded, assuaging his gross thoughts of revenge.

"Cool! Let's go!"

And like an all-too-quick dart, Cartoony grabbed Kagura by the wrist and was dragging the protesting girl as they weaved between the trees.

---

Sakaki drew the curtains across the window, shutting out most of the light in her room. She then moved back to her bed, leaning over to flick on the night-light that lie beside it, casting a slight glow across the sheets.

The space was quaint. This made her smile. The mood properly set, she reached under her bed and withdrew her stash of pictures depicting Chiyo's dog, Mr. Tadakicchi.

"Oh, yes Mr. Tadakichi….you are so fine~"

She lay back on her bed, a deep blush creasing her face.

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!_

With a disappointed and panicked whimper, she tossed the photos back under the bed, flipped off the light and pulled the curtains open, setting the room awash with mid-day sunlight before scrambling to open the door.

"Ah! Sakaki-san! Hello!", squealed Chiyo.

Sakaki shivered slightly as she looked down at the small girl and the..err…even smaller girl beside her.

"Hello Chiyo-chan…and…who is this?", she muttered, her Kyoot Senses draining her mental reserves.

"This is the daughter of Kagura-san and yourself! Her name is Kaida!", Chiyo brightly beamed as she introduced the girl who seemed to brighten up herself at the sight of Sakaki.

"Taira-ma!", she smiled, latching herself onto Sakaki's leg.

At that moment, Sakaki went into full Kyoot Arrest. Her brain ceased to function and her blood began to run backwards in her veins. To compensate, her heart also pumped in full reverse. Soon Sakaki was reduced to nothing more than a babbling fool clutching Kaida close to her chest, which the tiny girl was more than happy to oblige with a hug to her mother.

"You two get along so well!", Chiyo announced.

Sakaki, without another word, closed the door in Chiyo's face, surprising the girl. Yet, Chiyo assumed this to mean she wanted to spend some alone-time with her daughter; it was only proper after all.

Within doors, Sakaki placed Kaida on a chair in front of her bed while she sat on the end of said bed, staring.

Kaida fiddled with the foot of her tiger plush as she was looked over from head to foot by her mother.

"So cute….", Sakaki mumbled.

"Taira-ma…what are you doing?", Kaida asked sullenly.

"Shh! I have to…absorb your cute!", Sakaki answered swiftly.

"Okay.", said Kaida, returning to her placid state.

---

"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE PURPLE ONE!?", Jay cried.

Quickly, and with very little interference, the reconnaissance crew made their way inside the bowels of the letter storage facility of the Lucky Help Line studios. Just as the path looked clear, they were beset by a trap that mirrored every intention of the devious mind behind it. Upon entering the first room, their clothing was immediately switched with that of the famous game hero Link of Legend of Zelda fame. Five colours in all: Green for Tomo, Blue for Osaka, White for Kagura, Red for Cartoony and Purple for Jay.

Before them stood a room replete with puzzles. Puzzles that a few in the group recognised.

"This is just like….", Cartoony gasped.

"We're in Legend of Zelda!", Tomo whooped moments before Kagura slammed her hand over the rambunctious girl's mouth.

"Shhhh! We're still on a mission here!", she reprimanded.

Jay rubbed his chin as he regarded the puzzle room. It consisted of a multitude of stairways that pointed in every which direction, all coloured differently. In the centre of the room was a four-post crank of sorts and above that hung a red block of some sort of solid material. High up on the opposite wall was a sealed doorway, coloured red, that Jay assumed was the exit.

"It seems these colours we're wearing have a purpose.", he muttered.

"Of course! Ever played 'Four Swords'?", Cartoony asked, seemingly a bit offended.

"No….", Jay answered, cowering a bit from the anthro-girl.

"Hmph!", she huffed, crossing her arms. "Everything is colour-coded and Link was split into four and had to work as a team to solve puzzles!"

"But we have five…not four….", Osaka pointed out.

"Doesn't matter!", spat Cartoony. "It's the same concept!"

"Right…", Jay noted. "Most of the stairs are…facing the wrong way so….umm…"

"FIRE AN ARROW!", Tomo shouted.

"Shut up!", Kagura hissed. "We have no arrows!"

"Then I'm all outta suggestions…", Tomo shrugged, fiddling with the hem of her tunic.

"The crank….", Jay nodded, approaching the wheel-device. "All but red."

"Aww..guess I gotta sit this one out.", Cartoony sighed.

"All right! Let's do this!", Tomo instantly ran up and pushed on the green lever. The device did not move…but Tomo did, flipping over the bar and face-planting into the stone floor. "Owww…."

"Don't be so hasty, ya know.", Osaka sagely added, taking up her spot beside the blue lever.

"Yeah!", said Kagura, placing her hands on the white lever.

"Ok..on three.", Jay spoke. "One…two…"

"FIVE!", Tomo screamed, dissolving in a fit of giggles.

"THREE!", Jay growled as everyone pushed their levers and the crank began to turn.

Ninety degrees…

"STOP!", Jay shouted, noting that the stairways had rearranged to form a path up to the red block hanging above the crank.

"Cool! Now we can get the hell outta here!", Tomo proposed, marching toward the stairway.

"Tomo, wait!", Kagura cried, but it was too late. Tomo set foot on the first stair….the first WHITE stair.

"EEYOOOWWWW!!", she wailed, being jolted off the stair by an unknown force. Her body thumped to the ground and skidded a fair two feet.

"Are you okay!?", Jay asked, leaning over to shake the fallen girl.

"Uggh…..that was fun!", Tomo happily jumped to her feet.

"DON'T DO IT AGAIN!", Cartoony warned.

"Fine…party pooper!", Tomo stuck out her tongue for emphasis.

"Hrmm…the stairs are white…the block is red….", Jay muttered. "Does that mean….?"

Cartoony answered his question by falling into a hyperventilating fit.

"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod….", she muttered, her face scorching red.

"Guess you have to carry her up the stairs, Kagura~", Jay lilted.

"M-me?", she asked incredulously. "I can't do that!"

"You have to!", Tomo interjected.

"Geez…fine…She better not grope me though!"

Kagura quickly, with an avid blush passing her face, hoisted the delirious Cartoony onto her shoulders and mounted the stairs, chugging her way to the top with ease where she placed Cartoony back onto her feet.

"I think..I need some new….pants…", Cartoony wheezed, wobbling on her feet.

"Ugh…", Kagura grimaced.

"Cartoony! Snap out of it!", Jay called. "Touch the block or….something!"

"Oh…right…"

With a heavy sigh of disappointment she reached out and placed her hands on the block.

Nothing happened.

"Hrmm….", Jay rubbed his chin.

"Maybe if you piss on it…", Tomo suggested.

"No!", Jay countered.

"Oh! I got it!", Cartoony perked up, sliding the block into a slot which in turn opened the door upon the wall.

"Whoopie!", Osaka cheered.

"But now what do we do?", Kagura asked.

"Turn the crank more!", Jay said, already at his station.

Together the four pushed again. 180 degrees….270….360.

CLICK!

The myriad stairs assembled themselves in a vaguely pyramidal shape that filtered directly to the doorway.

"Yay!", Osaka hopped up and down, clapping with glee.

"Sweet! Now we can- OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"

Once more, Tomo stepped upon the white stairway and was thrown to the ground.

"You'll never learn….", Jay muttered.

---

"Would you like some lunch, Kaida?", Sakaki asked, smiling at her newfound daughter.

"Uh-huh.", Kaida nodded, her stomach audibly growling.

"Ok. Let's go.", Sakaki offered her hand, which Kaida clutched. Sakaki simply couldn't help but squeeze back in a motherly fashion.

The two traipsed down the corridors, Sakaki's mind wandering over just how lucky she was to be the 'mother' of this lovely child. She would make sure Kaida grew up to be a caring, considerate human being just as she thought one should be. Sakaki believed deeply that there were not enough people in the world who truly considered the feelings of others when acting. Be it anything from simple breaches in etiquette to something as horrible as warfare, each were the result of the ignorance of other's feelings. This pained Sakaki to her core at times and she had vowed long ago to make sure her child grew up properly. In fact, she-

"Kaida?"

Sakaki swung around and simultaneously closed the hand that Kaida should have been holding. The girl was gone!

"KAIDA!", she called, running down the corridor in a tightly panicked state.

Turning the corner to one of the lounge rooms, she ran smack into Madoka, literally. Both fell into a heap on the floor.

"Ah! By the spirits! Sakaki-san, are you okay? Is something the matter?", Madoka questioned, offering her hand which Sakaki accepted in order to right herself to her feet.

"Kaida! I lost Kaida!", Sakaki said, her voice only slightly more insistent than normal. It was not in her personality to truly yell at any time.

"Who is this 'Kaida' you speak of?", Madoka asked, tilting her head in question.

"My daughter! She's about this tall…..with a blue Father Hat!", Sakaki explained.

Madoka shook her head.

"No, I have not. I am sorry….but…I never knew you had a daughter besides Nekosa-chan!"

"She's new! Just came today!", Sakaki fidgeted in place, wringing her hands and shuffling her feet. She wanted nothing more than to continue her search for her daughter.

"Ah! I see! Well then, may I assist you in your task?", Madoka asked with a kind smile.

"Please!", Sakaki pleaded.

"One moment…", Madoka closed her eyes and increased the depth of her breathing. She was in the process of expanding her awareness across the highways and byways of the enormous castle, trying to locate a mind-force that would belie the position of the child.

Another moment passed….Sakaki's fidgeting grew worse. She bit her lip in anticipation.

Madoka's eyes flashed open, her face remained neutral.

"Did you find her!?", Sakaki asked anxiously.

"This way.", she said, leading Sakaki from the lounge down a side corridor to a half-open Japanese screen door.

Madoka stopped in front of the door, but before she could reach the handle, Sakaki grabbed it and pulled it open.

"Kaida?", she called.

A rustle was heard in the storeroom as, from behind the boxes, waddled a tiny figure draped in too-large royal robes and carrying a wrapped…something.

"Kaida!", Sakaki cried, hefting the girl into her arms with a tight, motherly hug.

Madoka smiled happily, turning and walking from the scene knowing that Sakaki had already thanked her with her actions.

"Taira-ma.", Kaida chirped.

"Don't ever scare me like that again!", Sakaki said, relieved more than angry.

Kaida nodded in assent.

"What made you come in here?", she asked.

Kaida lifted out the wrapped object she was carrying and presented it to her. Sakaki's eyes grew wide and her stomach dropped as she noticed what it was. In her daughter's hands was a wrinkled mass. Its face was contorted in a morbid grin that caused the beast to bear its sharp teeth in one last grimace. The four extremities were nothing more than curled and shrivelled sticks. The wrappings smelled of ancient ointments and incense frozen in time.

"Cat.", Kaida said simply.

Sakaki screamed.

---

The five invaders made their way triumphantly through the arched doorway and into the next room. To Jay, it felt as if he was passing through one of the Triumphal Arches of ancient Rome; a conqueror.

That was until he fell flat on his face, having tripped over the long robe he was now wearing.

"GAH! What the hell!?", he cried, scrambling to his feet and wiping his now-bleeding nose on the back of his hand.

"Ah! Ya hurt yer nose!", Osaka noted, reaching out to touch it.

A grand white light swirled around his nasal passages and the sensation filled him with warmth as his nose no longer hurt, nor did it bleed.

"Ga…whaaaaa!?", Jay wondered aloud.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS!? I HAVE CLAWS, GODDAMMIT!", Cartoony wailed, flailing about unhappily in her puffed white pants and slim-cut top as she raged at the claw-like metal objects attached to her hands.

"Baghnakhs?", Jay questioned, mentioning the name of such a weapon.

"I have no idea!", she responded. "But what is going on here!?"

"Ah like mah poofy dress!", Osaka giggled, spinning in a circle that puffed out her odd white-and-gold dress…thing. "And ah got a sword too!"

She displayed her lack of skill with that rapier at that time.

"Aw man! I look like a retard!", Tomo whined, distressed at her tight-fitting black outfit that puffed at the waist like a short skirt.

Jay had to snicker at the absurdity of her hair up in pigtails while at the same moment she clutched a rather large axe in her right hand.

"Where's Kagura?", Osaka questioned.

Jay scanned the area and noticed Kagura crouched in a corner with a giant partisan resting against the wall beside her. Cartoony nearly died as she took in the sight of the barely-clothed Kagura. Indeed, her outfit was little more than armoured bra and panties; blue with idyllic golden swirls and a modest white loincloth.

"This is embarrassing….", she muttered, blushing intensely.

"I'll trade with you!", Tomo propositioned.

"I don't think we can…", Jay noted, his mind coming alive with recognition of the clothing styles. "Cartoony…do these clothes look…familiar at all to you?"

Cartoony, broken from her fangirl gaze, regarded their outfits.

"Now that you mention it…I kinda do."

"I guess I was right when assuming that damn Izumi girl would use her game expertise against us. But, by gods, I know this game too!", he growled, being the first to step through the next doorway and into the room.

Before them now stood a wide chasm, black as the deepest night, and across the chasm whirred five platforms of varying speeds. At the far end, another sealed doorway.

Jay grinned again.

"This time…we have the upper hand!"

"You know what to do?", Tomo asked. "Well, hurry up then! I want to drop these duds!"

"You bet~", Jay giggled, holding up his right hand, upon his ring-finger rested a silver right with an inset stone of ochre.

"Hey! I have one of those too!", Tomo cried.

"Me too!", said Osaka, fiddling with the object.

"We all do.", Kagura noted.

"Be careful with it!", Jay said.

"Why? It's just a ring.", Tomo smugly asked.

_PEW!_

"WAAGHHH!!", Osaka screamed, running in circles as her hair was wreathed in flames.

"That's why!", Jay said, taking a deep breath and hoping that his full assumptions were correct.

He fluttered his fingers through the air, feeling the amourous pull of energy as the air around his form glowed a bright aqua. As he felt the power rise to its highest level, he released it upon his target.

"SPLASH!", he cried, noting that water seemed to fall from bare air and pour upon Osaka, who was more than happy to be able to save her hair.

"Wagh….", she moaned. "Ah thought ah was a goner!"

"Awesome!", Cartoony gasped. "I wanna see what I can do!"

She hopped into a fighting pose, extending her leg into the air.

"DRAGON KICK!", she screamed. Moments later, the force of the energy release caused her to hurtle forward, falling flat onto her face.

"Ahahahh!", Tomo laughed. "FAIL!"

"Okay! Okay! Enough fooling!", Jay said, approaching the lip of the pit and staring across the moving platforms, noting the small indentations in their facing sides, all colour coded; the first being purple. "We have to use these rings to hit those targets."

"But how do we use 'em?", Kagura asked, shuffling herself to try and hide her exposed skin.

"Yeah Osaka! How did you catch your hair on fire?", Tomo asked brashly.

"Ah just thought about how neat it woulda been if tha ring could do summin cool!", Osaka explained.

"So I guess we just think about hitting the target with flames and do this….", Jay said, holding up his hand and aiming the ring at the target, timing the movements accordingly.

_PEW!_

A small ball of flame issued forth and struck the target dead-on. The platform came to a grinding halt right along the midpoint of the abyss and, with a mechanical whirr, stretched forth a bridge-piece that spanned the gap between the group and the first platform.

"Dude! This is the COOLEST!", Tomo exclaimed, being the first to hop onto the next platform.

"Remember! It's colour-coded like the last room!", Jay explained. "Next one is white so Kagura, you're up."

Kagura shuffled to the front of the group in shame as the loincloth did little to cover her posterior. She could feel the eyes burning in her back as she held up the ring. Her concentration wavered a few times as she missed her target. Tomo's laughter at her failure was not of any assistance either. Finally, on her fifth attempt, she managed to strike the target, extending the bridge to the next platform.

"All right Kagura!", Tomo patted her on the back, causing the taller girl to smile.

"Thanks, Tomo."

"By the way, nice butt~"

"Grrr….", Kagura clasped one hand over her rear as they proceeded.

"My turn!", Cartoony giggled, noting the red target. "I always wanted to use one of these…"

She lifted the ring and fired.

_PEW!_

"Miss!", Tomo commented.

She re-aimed and fired again.

"Miss!"

And again…

"MISS! God, you suck!"

"GRRRR!! IT'S THESE STUPID THINGS!", Cartoony raged, tearing off her baghnakhs and tossing them into the abyss. "If I have to fight I'll do it with my claws! ….And my Star Rod!"

"You have a Star Rod?", Tomo questioned.

"OF course I do! Now shut up and let me work!"

This time Cartoony had no problem hitting the target and extending the bridge. It really must have been the baghnakh's fault…

"Nyah!", Cartoony stuck out her tongue at Tomo as they passed onto the next platform.

"Yay! Mah turn!", Osaka giggled, hobbling over in her long dress and aiming her ring. "Y'know….I wonder if this would…"

_PLOP!_

A wobbling, writhing sea slug popped from the end of the ring and careened into the target, halting the platform and extending the bridge. Osaka made her way across as the others stared on.

"….Wut?", Jay wondered aloud.

"Finally!", Tomo sighed in exasperation. "MY TURN!"

She giggled as she aimed, a ball of flame emerging and striking the target with no problems.

"Awww! No boobs came out!", she pouted. "But I'm still awesome!"

They expected the final bridge piece to emerge, but the result was completely different. The abyss below seemed to rush up directly at them. The speed was so quick that the group barely had time to notice that it was the remainder of the floor, the room clicking into place as if it were an enormous puzzle-piece. The floor was now flat and solid, greenish and shining like metal.

The force of this sudden construction sent the group reeling to the floor, scattering about in a mess of limbs.

"Oww…", Osaka muttered.

"Hrm hrm hrm~", came the echoing laugh from the far side of the room. "It's time for the boss fight!"

The simple sound of that voice caused Jay's blood to boil. Any injury he may have sustained was now ignored as he rose to his feet, seething with red-hot bloodrage. No man, woman, beast, serpent or god could stop him now.

"You dare mock us!?", he screamed. His voice contained no hint of kindness and this shocked Osaka in particular, who had never seen him in the throes of 'Konata Hatred'.

"Oh, I just want to play~", Konata sneered, smacking the end of her flogger against her open palm. She stood in the silhouette of the doorway dressed in a long, lacy gown, striking her hand with her flogger and giggling under her veiled headpiece.

"How did you catch us? We were doing so well!", Tomo moaned.

"She knew we were coming all along…", Jay noted, his eyes narrowing, as if to focus his hateful gaze upon the Izumi girl.

"But how?", Osaka asked. "We were all secret-agenty and stuff!"

"Hrm hrm hrm~", Konata sneered again. "You don't think I saw your little group out there hiding in the trees? I have spies myself, you know~"

"But how-". Tomo began, but Konata interrupted her speech.

"Because you're the loudest group of 'spies' I've ever seen!"

Tomo fell silent, slightly disheartened by her spectacularly epic failure.

"It matters not.", Jay spoke. "Now is all that matters. And at this moment you will feel the torment you deserve!"

"Bring it on.", Konata goaded. "You won't get very far~"

Before any of the group could make the first move, the Universe itself seemed to literally shatter, showering away in a rain of glassy bits. Yet, behind said universe was one exactly the same. This boggles the mind and it would be prudent not to think too deeply on the concept lest your cerebellum boil itself.

"Ok, let's do this!", Jay grinned, making the effort to cast his favourite spell.

"Not so fast!", Konata giggled, vaulting into the air in a manner that she could never have done normally.

Jay could only look on in horror as she landed nearly right atop him, thrashing him across the face with her crop.

"Oww! That really hurt, you little bitch!", he countered.

"Gotta play by the rules of the game!", she grinned, striking him again, this time in the stomach.

Jay's body buckled, folding over. All of a sudden he felt rather weak, much weaker than he should considering the force of the blows did not seem to be that strong. Even his vison was becoming cloudy; his breathing laboured.

"The hell….", he muttered.

"Aw damn!", Cartoony screamed, her voice registering panic as she simultaneously punted Konata halfway across the room. "We have life-bars!"

"Gotcha….", he mumbled as a white, warm light engulfed him, curing his wounds instantly.

"Feelin' better?", Osaka droned.

"Oh man! If we have life bars we better start kicking ass!", Tomo yelled, hefting her axe across the room and slashing brutally at Konata, who deftly avoided the multitude of blows.

"Ha!", Konata hopped on one foot, smacking Tomo thrice with her flogger.

"Oww!! Geez!", Tomo grimaced, swinging her axe laterally so that the thick, flat side clobbered the girl aside the face with great force. Blood sailed from her mouth and coated the shining floor.

The battle would have ended a moment later, had Kagura not missed her expected impalement of Konata. A split second earlier, Konata rolled out of the way of the dropping partisan, leaving it stuck in the ground with Kagura shamefully holding the shaft.

"Hrm hrm hrm~", she chuckled with her bloody lips.

That chuckle was cut short by a raging plume of flame that tossed her tiny form head-over-feet, torching the edges of her well-constructed costume.

"SPIRAL FLARE!", Jay grinned at the result.

Huffing and smouldering, Konata got to her feet grinning voraciously.

"Oh, now you've done it~", she chided as the room grew a bit darker, taking on an abyssal chill.

"BRING IT ON, YOU BITCH!", Tomo goaded.

And with that, the chant began.

"Obey the ancient pact of the ages….", Konata droned.

The room grew colder, frost forming along the spotless walls. The breath of the others came out in puffs.

"It got real cold all of a sudden.", Osaka mused. "Global Warmin' my behind!"

"I don't think that's it…", Kagura said.

"….And fulfil your duty!", a grin grew across Konata's face.

"This..isn't very good…", Jay said, shivering in the cold.

"Then I'll just smack her one!", Tomo cried, scampering up to Konata and drawing back her heavy blade.

At that moment, with Tomo mere centimetres from her, Konata spun three-hundred-sixty degrees, letting loose a circular wave of icicles that progressed along the ground like liquid.

"FIMBULVETR!"

"WAGH!!", Tomo screamed, her body being dragged along by the wave of ice.

Kagura was the next to be swept up, pushed along swiftly and slammed right into the far wall.

Osaka barely noticed as she was carried away, lucky for her she was poised atop one of the waves and therefore suffered little damage.

Cartoony and Jay, who were standing beside one another were bowled over by the onrush. Their bodies pressed to the rapidly freezing floor, they suffered through the worst of it; their life-bars draining.

Groans escaped the mouths of all those affected once the light and temperature returned to normal. Those groans elicited mostly from Cartoony and Jay, who had struggled to their feet, bleeding and more than a bit pissed off.

"If she can do it…", Cartoony muttered.

"THAN SO CAN WE!", Jay finished.

And there it began, with Konata stunned by the audacity of the two, the lights dimmed once more with Cartoony and Jay sliding back-to-back.

"Cartoony~", Jay lilted.

"Jay~", she responded.

"So you think you're tough?", Jay asked with a grin, posing in a triumphant manner, hands on hips.

"We can totally wreck you!", Cartoony chided, bearing a toothy grin and whipping out her famous shining Star Rod from practically nowhere.

"In fact….we will!", Jay grinned.

"Let's do this!"

Jay rushed the hapless girl while Cartoony stroked the Star Rod across the air, leaving glorious golden streaks.

"SWIFT STAR STORM!", she cried.

A seemingly endless rain of stars fell from the sky, striking Konata throughout her body, leaving her and her clothing a mess of tears.

As soon as the stars stopped their fall, Jay vaulted through the black surroundings, fist pulled back.

"Bye-bye~", he chuckled. "FALCON…..PUUUNNCCHHHHH!!"

The tearing, flaming strike sent the dazed Konata soaring through the air, striking the back wall with enormous force. There was no possible way she could have lived through that combination of wicked attacks.

But as the air returned to normal, she struggled to crawl forward, grinning with bloodied teeth.

"Well then…", she muttered. "Zero….get 'em~"

"Zero?", Tomo questioned.

"Who the hell?", Cartoony asked.

Jay had no time to muse as he turned around at the first hint of the flapping of wings.

"Z-zero….", he muttered.

There was no response as the group was engulfed in the brightest, most diaphanous azure light.

---

**Don't fret! It's not over yet! Expect plenty more author cameos in following installations so hold on tight 8D!!**

**And happy early birthday to Kaida!! ^ ^**

**-Jay**


	18. Azumanga Help Desk vs Lucky Help Line

**Full speed ahead to glories and despairs, triumphs and failures, dilineation and moral ambiguity!**

**Everything you ever wanted in a giant BtS featuring the most epic battle ever seen by the Help Desk cast and crew!**

**AZUMANGA HELP DESK Vs. LUCKY HELP LINE**

**The Ultimate War!~**

**Enjoy!~**

**Note: My apologies if I messed up anyone's character. There were quite a few to deal with ^ ^;;**

**Note 2: Minor knowledge of Lucky Star characters greatly enhances the appreciaton of this rivalry. Even so, it may be enjoyed without; I tried to be as expository as possible to allay confusions.**

**

* * *

**

"So, is there any good reason for us to be here?", Funari questioned.

Yomi's eye twitched beneath her glasses. Such a question was begging for an unfiltered response from the current maniac insurgent at the head of the assembly table.

"Any good reason? Any GOOD reason!?", Jay hissed, gripping the armrests of his chain so hard that the stitches in the Corinthian leather audibly popped. "IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD REASON!"

"I do not like her any more than you do, but I do not see why you must be so adamant about causing her harm. Peaceful coexistence is possible.", replied the wind deity, upset at having to leave her lover to join what she deemed a frivolous battle.

"Ohh…don't say that…", Sammy mumbled, slumping down in his chair to avoid the oncoming wrath.

"Look…", Jay sighed after gritting his teeth. "I took a vow when I created this show to defend it at all costs. I see Ms. Izumi's programme as a threat to our existence and therefore must be eliminated completely."

"Whooo!", Tomo cheered raucously. "I'm behind ya all the way, you crazy bastard!"

"I dunno, Jay-san…", Chiyo spoke up, her head bobbing only slightly above the tabletop. "We could all be jailed for this…."

"After all the stuff we already get away with on the show?", Jay chuckled and waved dismissively. "I'd say killing every man, woman and child associated with a rival television show is one of the milder things we've done."

"Are you really set on killing them ALL? I mean, honestly?", Nyamo asked, her face a grimace of displeasure.

"Well, I have already received petitions to spare the lives of a few members and I believe I will honour that. Could always use a few more on rubbish duty anyhow.", Jay answered.

"What's the plan of attack?", James asked. "I hear Cartoony and you had a rather difficult time on your last mission."

He ended this statement with a grin at Cartoony, who flicked out her claws and drew them across her neck threateningly.

"Last time we had to fight on her terms….", Jay seethed. "This time we fight by ours! Full-frontal-

"NUDITY!?", Tomo interjected and continued to laugh even after Yomi applied a vicious right hook to her solar plexus.

"-assault….Full-frontal assault.", Jay concluded.

"Does that mean-", Yukari began, but Jay cut her off mid-sentence.

"Oh yes~ It means you may use…._that_."

Yukari degenerated into a fit of malicious cackling and rubbed her hands together as if she had discovered the cure for Suck.

"Honestly though, do we really have the numbers or capability to make such an attack successful?", Yomi asked.

"We're full of talent!", Jay nodded. "Besides, her crew isn't _that_ tough!"

"What are you talking about!? That one guy had six arms! SIX ARMS!", Kagura exclaimed, flapping her hands as if preparing for take-off.

"And that one guy….tha guy that served the sweetmeats…he had a big ol' Unmentionable in the centre of his forehead!", Osaka added.

The room was silent for a moment as everyone contemplated the rather disturbing image.

"Ok…maybe they aren't totally normal. But we still have the spirit enough to do our duty!". Jay announced. He stood up from his chair, hands raised to the heavens in mock-glory.

At that point, Tomo began to giggle furiously with no signs of stopping.

"Hehehehehe! You said doody!"

There are not enough collective sighs in the world to appropriately express the one shortly following this statement.

---

"Since when have you had these?", implored Shimata, a recent addition to the author-crew.

"Been collecting them indiscriminately for ages now…", Jay nodded.

"And you never told me about them!?', Tomo wailed.

"Of course not!", Jay retorted. "If I had, gods know what you would do!"

As I'm sure the reader has assumed, what they were speaking of was Jay's inordinately large collection of military equipment and provisions; everything from vehicles to weaponry and rations. No one questioned his method of obtaining such illicit items and his only excuse was perpetually, "I had to use the garden storage for _something_!".

"We need to be equipped for both long-range and close-combat.", Jay announced to the gathered crowd.

Tomo raised her hand.

"Yes, Tomo?"

"So that means I CAN use a rocket launcher, right?"

Jay narrowed his eyes and stood with his hands on his hips, feet rooted to the ground and spoke the fateful phrase.

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

"Awww! You make everything suck!", Tomo bemoaned.

"I still get to use the Deathmobile though!", Yukari chided with a slight grin at Tomo's misfortune.

"Well, yes….mostly because nobody else is as ignorant to bodily harm as you are.", Jay agreed.

Yukari, well pleased with this notion, nodded in assent.

"Everyone else can choose from any of the supply.", Jay said, holding up a slim blue-covered book. "Simply record your name and items borrowed in the ledger. I'll take care of munitions and rations."

And with a clap of his hands, the assembled crew began to rummage about the large warehouse in search of appropriate weaponry. Jay did not have to mull around as his choice of weapons had already been made.

"I'll take this.", Sakaki droned as she approached, squeezing a rubber duck.

"That….?', Jay questioned.

She nodded, squeezing it once more, causing it to quack.

"I don't want to hurt anyone…"

"Uhh…why don't you just stay here and take care of Chiyo-chan then?", Jay suggested, not wanting to bring Sakaki any shame or harm because it was obvious she was ill-concerned of battle.

"Okay.", she nodded a second time, setting the duck down on a box after one final squeeze which caused her to blush profusely.

"Can I use these?', Kagura asked, sidling up to Jay with a giant M-60 rifle and bandoliers of ammunition strung across her chest.

"Certainly, but I suggest you choose a close-combat weapon as well.", Jay supplied.

"Oh, I got these.", Kagura said, holding up a set of ancient Indian katars. "I thought these would work since I'm pretty good with my hands."

The Universe bubbled for a moment as Tomo caught wind of the arising situation from the other end of the warehouse and screamed out.

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Jay sighed and tossed Kagura the ledger.

"Just sign it. I'm going to make sure everyone has something…"

Jay puttered about the aisles of the warehouse, stepping up to each member of the group in turn to see what they had chosen.

"Ah like this!", Osaka announced, clomping out in a large armoured suit that increased her height to about seven feet, not to mention it was bristling with weapons.

Jay gave her a thumbs-up and continued onward, coming next to Sammy.

"What have you chosen?", he asked.

"Oh! I like this lightsaber right here.", he said with a broad smile, holding the orange laser-sword aloft and nearly taking off Jay's nose with it.

"Sorry!"

And Jay moved onward after a moment, noting that Fade chose a grim ice-enchanted morning star for his item, Shimata thoroughly enjoyed his brace of pistols and throwing knives, and then he came upon the sad sight of Ame no Yuki; the resident spirit.

"Are you okay there, Yuki?', Jay asked.

"WAHH!", she whined, crying ghost tears. "I can't pick up anything!"

Jay smiled softly and reached out to pat her on the shoulder, only for his hand to go right through her and chill him to the core.

"Uhh…umm…you can possess people for us!", he reassured her.

With a smile the ghost wiped away her ectoplasmic tears.

"Okay!"

"Fantastic!", Jay grinned, scanning the remainder of his crew.

Everyone was prepared.

The time to move was nigh.

---

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN'T CROSS!?", Jay raged, flailing his arms wildly before the bridge toll-guard.

"Your..uhh…convoy exceeds the weight limit allowed.", he explained calmly.

"Convoy? I don't see any convoy! I simply see a very pissed off man who needs to get his supplies across this here bridge!", Jay countered.

"Sir, do you see the line of vehicles behind you?", the guard asked in irritation.

He extended his hand in a sweeping motion to indicate the large amount of vehicles.

"Yeah….so?"

"Sir, the definition of a convoy is a collection of vehicles transporting something. This fits the bill of any convoy I've ever seen."

"…Says who?"

"The dictionary!"

Jay pondered this notion for a moment. It was mind-boggling.

"I'll give you four million yen."

"You got it."

Jay scribbled out the check quickly and handed it to the rather pleased man who turned the dial that lifted the gate to the bridge.

"GO OVER IT ONE AT A TIME!", Jay screamed to the occupants of his vehicles. "SEND THE ROLL-O-TREX OVER LAST!"

With a thumbs-up from the majority of the cockpits, Tomo gave him the middle finger, the convoy made its way across; glorious.

"You totally just wasted four million yen, you know that?", the guard announced.

"Huh?", Jay asked, incredulous.

"I do this to all the large vehicles that pass! You can't imagine how many checks I have to cash!", cackled the devious officer.

"Why you-", Jay growled, clenching his fist and readying a momentary FALCON PYAAAANCH to the con-man's midsection.

Yet, quickly as any slimy serpent, the man had locked himself in his booth only to make faces at Jay through the glass window.

"I'm going to come back here on my Triumphant March and bash your teeth in!", Jay promised, shaking his fist and slumping his way across the bridge, walking beside the massive transports.

---

The call was given to halt the convoy three miles from the enemy compound for last-minute preparations and review of tactics. Thusly, Jay collected his entire crew in the rear section of the centre vehicle for security purposes.

"Kill everyone.", Jay muttered with a mellifluous grin.

"But I thought you said that you were asked to spare some?", Yomi said.

Jay sighed and leaned back in his chair before reaching into his sling-bag for a packet of papers.

"I hoped I wouldn't have to do this. I hoped to slaughter everyone and everything that dare work for that Empusa. But….I have to relent and acquiesce to my fans."

With that he shuffled through the papers and passed the first set to each member around the makeshift table consisting of stacked ration boxes. The small packet contained all the pertinent information on the first target exempt from the universal sentence of death, including a picture, as necessary.

"Ugh…what is she like…ten?", Tomo asked, tilting the picture this way and that.

"She is rather….cute.", Kagura droned, seemingly on-edge.

"And you expected us to kill her anyhow? She's only a child!", Nyamo intoned.

Jay coughed and then spoke up.

"That little bow-tied cutie is Tsukasa Hiiragi. And no, she's not a child.", he said. "A Mr. Andyjay has asked me to spare her life because he claims he is 'in love'."

"Bahahah!", Tomo cackled, soon joined by Yukari. "He's more of a pedo than you!"

Jay coughed a second time and levelled his gaze at them.

"Sometimes you can't help it if you love someone."

"Pfft…right.", Tomo snickered, casting Yukari a sidelong glance.

Jay tossed out another packet of papers and coughed a third time; there seemed to be something irritating the back of his throat.

Tomo immediately burst into laughter…again. Jay knew she would and for exactly what reasons.

"Is this your long lost sister, Yomi?", she sniggered, jabbing her finger at the face on the photo.

"What? We don't even look the slightest bit similar!", Yomi retorted.

"Hah! But you both wear glasses!"

"Jay wears glasses too and I'm obviously not related to him!"

Tomo was stopped dead in her tracks, her argument halted in space.

"Well, damn. Thanks for ruining my fun!"

"You're welcome!", Yomi huffed, pleased with her simple work.

"Anyhow…", Jay droned. "This is Miyuki Takara, a walking talking Wikipedia. I've been instructed to allow her to live by-"

"Sammy-kun?", Osaka asked.

"Huh? How did you know?", Jay replied.

"Cuz he's over here droolin' all over the picture."

At that moment, he snapped from his reverie, trying desperately to wash the blush from his face.

"H-huh? W-well..sort of..I mean…", Sammy stuttered.

"It's alright.", Jay reassured him.

"No, it's not!", Tomo added in, laughing uproariously.

"It's fine…", Jay continued. "My only orders concerning these two is to not KILL them. Otherwise, capture them as you see fit. Anyone else is fair game. Destroy, maim and kill!"

"YES!! OH, GODS YES!!", Kaorin cackled, stomping her feet and grinning manically.

"Be careful.", Chihiro said. "I let her off her pills so that she'd be a wicked killing machine."

"So good to hear it~", Jay giggled. "Now, prepare for preliminary bombardment."

---

"The signal has been given.", spoke the pilot in an alien tongue.

"Understood. Beginning strafing run.", replied the other.

Flying in formation in high atmosphere travel, the squad of five compact Lyracl fighter-bombers lowered their altitude in order to enter bombing position.

This squad of dangerous extraterrestrial fighters was a gift granted to Jay by Keshi-sama. He assured Jay they would be devastating when put into proper use. And, seeing as they were aware of Ms. Izumi's defence systems, this would be their time to shine the brightest.

"Coordinates set to five degrees due south. Spotters detect a perimeter anti-personnel system. Two and five target the perimeter systems. Three, strike the RADAR array. Four and myself will take the assembled vehicles in the courtyard.", spoke the point-man.

"Understood, Sir.", came the chorus from the others.

Within seconds, the mountain range parted to reveal the compound situated in the centre of an inland coniferous pine forest.

"Release."

---

"There hasn't been a sign of anything all day.", whined Private Toshiro of the SOS Guard Unit.

"There hasn't been anything all WEEK! I think she's just paranoid.", replied Lieutenant Abe.

"Sometimes I just wanna give this all up. I still don't know how she gets away with giving us these silly uniforms with these gaudy arm-bands.", Toshiro complained, scratching at his blue woollen vest.

"Ugh…I know what you mean. These stupid uniforms leave me in des-"

Just then a enormous bloom of flame erupted fifty metres from the two guards as the starboard automated gatling gun was blown to mere bits of flying molten metal and stone. They barely had enough time to back away from the wash of fantastic heat when the port gatling was annihilated in much the same manner.

"WHAT THE HELL!?", cried Toshiro, fumbling for his intercom that hung from his belt.

"I DUNNO! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!", Abe whimpered, shivering from the shock of the spontaneous attack.

"ALERT! ALERT! INCOM-"

Toshiro never finished the message as a rain of plasma bombs battered the entranceway they were standing in, reducing the two guards to nothing more than atoms floating in the spot where they were previously standing.

---

"Excellent work.", the lead pilot croaked over the intercom. "All targets eliminated. Sending information to the humans. Initiate reverse formation and meet back at the rendezvous point for debriefing."

"Understood."

The five-man team roared past the targeted compound at super-sonic speeds, reversing their ailerons in mid-flight to slow the aircraft in a vertical position before turning horizontally and spinning 180 degrees more to fan out; like a kick-turn of a elegant swimmer. From there they would regroup in orbit above the planet Earth, undetectable by human means.

---

Without a word, Victor handed Jay the print-out detailing the Lyracl success in destroying the outer defences.

"Haha! Fantastic!", Jay cried. "We are totally gonna get a nasty letter from the Federal Aviation Commission!"

"Really? I'm sorry.", Ame no Yuke said, appearing behind him.

"WAGH! Geez..you still scare me every time…", Jay muttered.

"Sorry…."

"It's okay.", Jay said, waving his hand dismissively. "Oh! Go tell everyone to prepare for battle! We're moving out!"

---

At this point the Great Eye of the Universe shall allow the reader to insert his or her own montage of how the group prepared for battle. Weapons were prepared and loaded with the proper munitions, bits of armour were donned here and there, Fade called upon the wicked gods of the Northlands, cartoony sharpened her nails and grabbed her Star Rod, James loaded his pistol with Golden rounds, and Yukari hopped in her specially fitted Toyomi car. Osaka was not allowed to use her mini-mech after a recent incident which resulted in the suit smelling of turpentine and eggs. Instead she was left with a relatively simple laser rifle.

Jay in particular prepared his special array of equipment. He had opened the three chests in the palace armoury that contained the Japanese Imperial Regalia and he was prepared to use the mighty power contained within each of them to his highest advantage. Sheathed on his left was the Kusanagi no Tsurugi; ancient sword of immense power, hanging from the left side of his belt and covered with a felt cloth was the Yata no Kagami; the mirror that could entrance anyone god or mortal, and hanging around his neck was the Yasakani no Megatama; the necklace of Amaterasu which could be used to heal grievous wounds and granted the wearer strange powers.

He wielded no long-range weapon. With this amount of protection he did not believe it would be prudent.

"Now, my loyal soldiers!", he announced as they stood at the entrance to the fated mountain pass. "Tonight we dine on the flesh and blood of our foes!"

"You mean YOUR foes…", Yomi muttered.

"Mmmm~ People~", Cartoony licked her lips.

"You know you're sick, right?", James chided.

"You know your fly is open, right?"

James looked down in panic….he was wearing his kitty underpants that day too!

"I hate you so much, Cartoony!"

"The feeling is mutual~"

"With the power vested in all of us…..we shall strike down the enemy and prove once and for all that Azumanga Help Desk is a force to be reckoned with!"

A slight roar of approval went up amongst those assembled. Just then…

"Hey Jay!", Tomo called out. "What's that you got in your hand?"

"This?", Jay said, holding up his primary weapon.

"Yeah, that!"

"It's the Magical 8-iron."

Tomo was flabbergasted.

"Oh….Does it make me sexy?"

"No, it kills people."

"Oh….that's cool too."

---

Thanks to the recent Lyracl bombing run, the main gate of the compound was little more than a mound of smouldering wreckage. Guards mulled about, attempting to clear at least a bit of debris while they could.

Needless to say, they were no match for Yukari and her heavily modified Toyomi. The wildly dangerous car was the first combatant on the battlefield, tearing down the main pathway, 30 calibre guns blazing from their hidden compartments behind the headlamps.

"HAHAH!! BRING IT ON!", Yukari cackled, pressing the accelerator to the floor to gain maximum speed for her intended goal.

The guards had little tire to react before three of them fell to the raging gunfire. The remaining three standing near the entrance barely were able to squeeze off three rounds from their rifles before having to dodge the oncoming vehicle to save from being crushed.

Yukari and her dastardly car hit the block of concrete just as she intended, using it as a ramp to rocket her into the air and further into the courtyard.

"GET ON THE INTERCOM! WE'RE UNDER-"

In their panic, the guards who thought their lives were safe did not notice the small bomb Yukari had dropped moments before she launched off the ramp. With a moderate explosion, their bodies were thrown skyward and the rubble at the front of the compound was blown wide enough to allow for easy access of the other troops.

With Funari flying ahead as a sort of areal scout, the main group of weapon-wielding fighters advanced to the courtyard.

"Looks pretty emp-"

Moments later the group was sent scrambling for cover behind fallen debris as gunfire rained upon them from the roof and doorways of the main studio.

"Dammit! They're on the roof!", James wailed, unable to reach them with the range of his pistol.

"Watch a pro!", Cartoony grinned, letting loose a rain of stars from her wand in that direction. Each and every one puttered out a mere metre from their destination.

"DAMMIT!"

Kagura, with her giant 50 calibre machine gun, was terrible inaccurate but provided fantastic suppressing fire.

In fact, the only person doing any real damage was Tomo, picking off targets left and right with her scoped laser rifle.

"How does she do it….?", Yomi muttered, crouched behind a ragged piece of fallen concrete close to Jay due to her knowledge of the inefficiency of her sub-machine guns at that range.

"I dunno..but it's working…", Jay replied.

Tomo managed to incapacitate at least five guards before Funari, becoming slightly impatient, swooped in and blew the remainder against the enclosed stairwell, knocking them unconscious.

"LET'S GO!", Jay yelled, leading the charge toward the main door.

"Did you see that, Yomi!?", Tomo giggled at her own success.

"Yes, Tomo…I did.", Yomi droned, chugging her way with the rest of the crew.

"I killed a man, Yomi! Aren't you proud!?"

"Not particularly."

Yet, before they could even reach the entrance, each and every one nearly died instantly when a massive spray of automatic gunfire emerged from behind the glass doors. The only thing that saved the majority from deadly wounds was to take cover quickly behind the extended wall of the building to their right, seeing as to the left there was nothing but the open courtyard. In effect, they were trapped.

"W-what was that!?", whimpered Nyamo, clutching her hand over her injured arm which leaked a bit of blood.

"I dunno…but it looks like Yukari-sensei wants a piece of it!", Kagura noted, pointing at the wild car rocketing toward the entrance, guns blazing.

"Is she gonna do it….?", openly wondered Shimata, holding his breath in anticipation.

The attempt at rushing the opening seemed to be a minor success until the unrelenting rain of bullets tore through the protected front tyres of Yukari's vehicle, sending it spinning out of control and slamming it against the far courtyard wall. Upon impact, the car caught fire causing the teacher to jump from the deathtrap and scuttle behind the wall of the building opposite the remainder of the group.

"Oh crap….", Sammy gulped.

"What on Earth can fire that many rounds?", wondered Nyamo, now a bit more stable after bandaging her wounded left arm.

"Ah boy…it's a cyborg.", noted Osaka with a drawl as an enormous form emerged from the entrance, crashing through the doorway.

It was a grotesque excuse for a human form. The barrel-chested monstrosity was outfitted with six grafted metal apertures with revealed large rifles embedded within them. In each of its head-sized fists were two more weapons of unidentifiable manufacture. It was obvious that this beast was built to pump out as much firepower as it feasibly could.

"Ah didn't know she was into gene-splicin'….", Osaka observed.

"Such a demon!", Jay gasped. "I believe this may be something that will require a major amount of power to-"

Instantly, a concussion rocked the area as a stream of small missiles struck the beast, causing it to rock on its stumpy legs.

The group turned in awe so face their inadvertent saviour.

"Take that, you ugly shit!", emitted the mechanically-altered female voice of the driver who controlled an equally tall robotic humanoid.

"Amazing…", Jay droned in shock.

"Let's go!", the voice cackled, unleashing a torrent of machine-gun fire from the robot's right arm gatling cannon.

As bloodless holes were punched in the monstrosity, it roared and returned fire. The rounds left minor dents in the façade of the robotic hulk while all the while its roars grew weaker as the robotic assistant blew apart its structural integrity.

"My frostbitten gods….who is that?", Fade couldn't help but wonder.

Everyone shook their heads in disbelief as the obscene creation was reduced to a mere pile of metal and false flesh.

"ALLLL RIGHT!", sang the robot, doing a short spoony dance.

"Thank you so much for your help..umm…uhh..", Jay was at a loss for words after calling out to the pilot of such a lovely creation.

Moments later the hatch popped open and a tall, black haired, labcoat-wearing woman hopped out and brushed herself off.

"Saisei Sakaki.", she grinned. "Nice to meet ya!"

If more disbelief was possible at that moment, it occurred.

"You mean….OUR Sakaki's older sister!?", Tomo asked, incredulous.

"Well, yeah! I heard you guys were gonna have a little soirée and decided to try out Frank 2.0 here!", she said, patting the adamantine leg of her mobile suit.

"Thank you very much, Saisei-san!", Shimata said, bowing deeply.

"Indeed. We owe you now.", Jay nodded.

"Hey, don't worry about it! Just get in there and kick ass! I'll handle anything out here.", she grinned, climbing back up the ladder into the cockpit.

Without another word, the group turned and headed back toward the entrance, grabbing Yukari along the way.

"Hey Nyamo! Did you see me totally waste that ugly bitch back there?!", Yukari chided, sidling up beside her friend.

"Uh-huh…sure.", Nyamo deadpanned, focused more on scanning for any new danger.

Various projectile devices at the ready, Tomo was the first to peek inside the massive hole left in the façade of the building by the giant aberration. Her nerves being at maximum tension, she snapped off three quick laser-bolts at a shadow cast by herself, leaving scotched pits behind the lobby desk.

"Nervous much?", Yukari grinned. "You know, this place looks pretty empty."

"You're tellin' me…", Jay chimed in, trodding into the darkened room with Cartoony and James by his side.

"Totally empty.", Cartoony commented, sniffing the air. "Can't even smell anyone."

"Grim.", Fade commented, flitting Arctic air.

"Bollocks….", Jay muttered. "I sense a trap…but I also sense that there's more to this compound than meets the eye."

"Since when has it met mah eye?", Osaka commented. "Didn't even introduce itself…how rude!"

Silence reigned. Until Tomo farted, at least.

"I farted.", she announced.

"Regardless of what's going on, we had better keep moving.", Nyamo interjected.

The group nodded in assent and made their way across the room rather haphazardly with Tomo and then Osaka falling face-first over bits of concrete that had fallen. Neither suffered serious injury, which was a rather obtuse blessing. As they passed by the lobby desk, Kagura fiddled with the lightswitch in an effort to illuminate the area, but to no avail.

"Power must be out for good.", she muttered.

"I'm curious as to whether they cut the power or possibly the aerial attack knocked it out.", Jay noted. "This place feels stranger than before."

"As if walking into a live video game scenario wasn't strange enough…", Kagura said.

"Dude…that was awesome!", Tomo chuckled.

"Yeah~!", added Cartoony.

"Well sure….but….something just feels terribly dark around here…", Jay shivered.

"Is it yer hernia actin' up?", asked Osaka plainly.

"No, but…woah!"

The group gasped at the massive oak doors that seemed to rise out of the darkness before them. Indeed, the top simply melted away into the blackness above. The ceiling was completely out of sight.

"The hell are these? Why don't se have them!?", Tomo sputtered.

"Judging by the position, I'd have to postulate these would lead to the main stage.", Jay said. "But that's just my assumption."

"But what if it leads to some hyper-technological underground lair!?", Sammy blurted out.

"Or some demon-infested nexus!", added Fade.

"Or a whole swimming pool of blonde lesbians!"

The group all turned to ace Cartoony who had made the previous comment.

"Uhh…sorry?"

Jay sighed and placed his hands on the door, feeling the smooth veneer beneath them.

"I don't think it's either of those things. That would be…"

The massive doors creaked open to bathe the group in a dismal indigo light. Said light was cast by the twittering screens of a massive bank of computerised electronic devices that scrolled scribbled lines across their LCD screens. This ultra-modern setup was offset in stark contrast by the inscribed symbol at the centre of the polished floor. Obviously occult in nature, the symbol glimmered with an obscene light; unearthly.

"….absurd….", Jay heaved at the sight.

The remainder of the group gasped in equal awe at the cavernous room splayed before them.

"WHERE ARE MY LESBIANS!?", Cartoony wailed.

"BAHAHAH!", James couldn't help but cackle at Cartoony's misfortune.

"I think that's the least of our worries though….", Yomi said, stepping gingerly behind Jay into the mysterious room.

"No wonder it felt strange…", Jay noted, circling the odd polygonal symbol carefully.

"What is it?", Tomo asked bluntly. "Can I touch it?"

"No.", Jay said.

"Can I pee on it?"

"No!"

"Ah think ah saw this in a bread roll once.", Osaka nodded.

"It's a summoned portal to a parallel dimension.", Ame no Yuki said, floating up beside the group.

"WAGH!", Jay screamed. "Phew..geez…..anyhow….do you think this is where everyone went?"

"Probably.", she replied, shrugging her ephemeral shoulders.

"Can we go in it!? Huh!? Huh!? PLEASE JAY! PLEEEEASE!?", Tomo pleased, clasping her hands together.

"I guess we have to.", he replied. "Is everyone here?"

Calls of 'Here!" went up around the room with the group clambering closer to the open portal.

"Say…where are Kaorin and Chihiro?", Yomi asked.

"I dunno…", Kagura replied.

---

"Dammit Kaorin! Can't you wait!?"

"No, Chihiro! I need it now!", Kaorin slovered, drooling maniacally as she held Chihiro pinned against the toilet cubicle.

"We have a job to do, Kaorin! We can't do this now!", Chihiro wailed.

"But..I need it! I WANT IT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING!", Kaorin screeched, lifting her head to the heavens.

"Okay, okay! Just a tiny bit though! We have to make it fast!"

"Oh, thank you Chihiro!", Kaorin giggled, slamming the chess board between them. "I call white!"

---

"I'm sure they'll be fine.", Jay shrugged.

"Yeah, Kaorin's probably ripping out throats right not!", Tomo nodded.

"Quite!", he nodded. "We should probably move fast now in case they're trying to escape!"

"How does one use such a thing?", Funari inquired.

"Simple.", Ame no Yuki said, floating over to the centre of the symbol where the swirling energies were greatest.

A moment later, she had disappeared from sight.

"Woah! That's easy!", Tomo chuckled, jumping to the centre and vanishing.

One by one, the girls hopped to the centre, followed by Jay. All disappeared without another word or sound, leaving only the writers and fellow authors to go next.

"Who's next?", Sammy asked.

"Not you! Your quest ends here!", echoed a voice from the far-reaching darkness of the room.

The remaining group turned to watch an enormous armoured man step from the shadows. Large wings plumed from his back and in his hand he carried a double-bladed sword of one sort of another.

"Gah!", Fade gasped. "Zero!"

The giant bird-man nodded and clanked about as he took a fighter's stance.

"I must destroy you. My Mistress wills it so."

"Gosh! Stop getting in our way, you pest!", Funari huffed, sending a blast of swirling wind in his direction.

The focused strike simply graced his armour and scattered harmlessly, leaving no remains of its presence at all.

"Eh?", her face dropped. "He did not move…"

"W-well, he is r-r-really big…", Sammy stuttered, clutching the handle of his lightsaber close.

"Geez! You can't be so subtle then!", Cartoony growled, unsheathing her claws and rushing headlong at their enemy, vaulting into the air to rain gashes upon his face.

She had only thrust her claws once when Zero levelled a straight punch to her midsection, sending her flying through the dank air, crashing breathless on her side metres from the group.

"WAGH!", cried the collective.

"What do we do now!?", Shimata panicked, trying to steady his hands in order to fire his pistols.

"WE FIGHT!", Funari cried, swirling wind about her in order to take to the air.

"Right!", Shimata replied, nervously squealing as he snapped off shots that seemed to cause no damage to the armoured hulk.

Funari, Sammy, and Fade all barrelled at Zero with the intent to at the very least mortally injure, while Shimata continued to take potshots and James attended to the wounded Cartoony, much to her internal chagrin.

"Geez, James! I'm fine!", she muttered, spiting blood. "Ick..it's staining my fur!"

"Be careful, dammit! You'll get hurt even more!", James sighed. She was always a feisty one.

"I'm fine!", she roared, hopping to her feet and rushing into battle once more.

"Ah well…", James sighed, grabbing his pistol and sighting it appropriately.

"Fools!", Zero chuckled, swinging his sword horizontally, causing Sammy to back away in fear while Fade lifted his grim morning star only for it to clash with the sword ominously.

"W-WHAAAA!?", he stood aghast as the weapon whirled with an Arctic gleam.

Frustrated, Zero pulled his sword back towards his body, inadvertently bringing Fade with him seeing as his morning star had frozen the metals together.

"WAGGGGGH!", Fade wailed, flying off at the apex of the return and sailing until he struck the far wall. "OWW!"

He slumped to the ground in a daze before stumbling to his feet.

"I'M OKAY!"

His weapon now overly heavy, Zero tossed it aside and instead buffeted the area with his wings as he took to the air, moving out of reach of those on the ground.

"GOD DAMN YOU!", Cartoony screamed, jumping up and down in anger.

"Come to join me then?", Funari chided, swirling a blue ball of wind in her hand.

"Must get rid of the bothersome fly!", he chuckled, striking out with his armoured fists a moment later.

With little effort, Funari dodged the punches and countered with concentrated wind blasts that did little more than push Zero back slightly. His onrush of force would not be deterred. Thinking quickly, she propelled herself upward and generated a miasmous blade of energy in her hand, striking downward with it aimed for the base of Zero's skull.

Decapitation was her goal.

Until Zero twirled in mid-flight, gazing intently up into her eyes. In a moment:

_FLASH!_

Funari, whose eyes had opened in surprise, took the full force of the blinding flash which illuminated the entire room for a mere microsecond. The others on the ground were hardly affected. That is, until Funari's now-wild blade hurtled to the floor below, leaving a massive gouge lengthwise across the room and scarring the inscribed symbol upon the floor.

"WOAH!", James cried, forced to dodge the whirling wind.

Funari, barely able to stay aloft, whimpered with agony as she blinked to try and clear her eyes. Yet Zero wasted no time in pummelling the deity with such enormous force that she was powerless to stop the rapid descent. The force with which she struck the ground was enough to leave a shattered, gaping hole where a bank of computers once was. There she lay, motionless.

"OH DAMN!", Sammy cried out, scooting over to the fallen deity. "She's alive!"

"Good! But now we gotta pick up the slack!", Cartoony growled, circling her airborne prey.

"Hehe!", Zero cackled. "I shall simply swoop down and pick you off one-by-one! Just as a raptor should!"

As Cartoony and Zero continued to swap insults, James sidled over close to Shimata.

"Listen…", he said. "Aim for the black spot on the back of his head. It's not normal. I have a hunch it's a sort of mind-control device."

"H-how do you know these things?", Shimata asked, shivering.

"I'm a super-spy! I know all sorts of gadgets!", James proudly beamed.

"O-okay.", Shimata nodded and took aim as Zero fluttered by, still insulting the growling Cartoony.

With a single shot from the .45 calibre, Shimata struck just below Zero's hairline, mere centimetres from the black object grafted to his skull.

"Oh crap…", James gulped. "You're on your own now!"

With that he scurried off as Zero turned to face his assailant.

"Worm!", he grimaced, moving swiftly for Shimata who screamed and turned to escape, running directly into another body.

"WAGH!", cried the other form. "You ruined my shot!"

"Eh?", Shimata looked up to come face to face with a man dressed in black tactical armour, sporting close-cropped orange hair and a neatly shaven beard.

"Oh, this looks bad!", gasped another teenaged boy wielding a beauteous, gleaming engraved shovel.

"Out of my way!", the red-man glared, sighting his scoped rifle to his eye. It was indeed a gorgeous piece of equipment.

A sharp crack rang out as the rifle fired. The hypersonic shot missed by the smallest of margins. He ejected the spent cartridge and took aim again.

"Give me some help here, dammit!", he growled, taking a knee.

"Gotcha!", said the man he had appeared with, whom everyone now recognised as the famous Anime Rebirth.

AR proceeded to scoot beneath the flying Zero and, turning rather swiftly, heaved the sparkling shovel at the rear of the bird-man.

"EAT THIS, SHITFACE!", screamed the red-man, firing off an incendiary round which roared through the air with flaming fury.

Those assembled (and still conscious) held their collective breath as the flaming round connected with Zero's skull first, rocking it back just in time for the shovel to crash into the rear, shattering the black object in a rain of slivers.

"I WANTED TO DO THAT!", Cartoony cried openly as Zero slumped to the ground in a heap.

"All right!", AR high-fived his friend.

"Who the heck is this anyhow?", Shimata asked.

"Oh, sorry about that. Just call me Sniper Red, k?", the red-man grinned.

"Couldn't have come at a better time….", James admitted serenely.

"Uggh…", Funari groaned, allowing Sammy to help her to her feet.

"Ah! What happened to her?", AR asked.

"Zero pwned.", James nodded.

"Is he dead?", Fade asked, prodding Zero with his morning star, which he somehow managed to pry off the sword blade.

"He looks pretty screwed up.", Cartoony said, nudging the pile of armour with her toe.

"Urrghh…", groaned Zero, wiggling in apparent pain.

"EEK! Is he dangerous!?", Sammy asked, skirting away from the writhing hulk.

"Ugghh…", Zero sat up and gazed around him. "The hell? What just happened? My head hurts wickedly…."

Judging him to no longer be a threat, the group explained the disastrously epic battle which resulted in a two-pronged defeat. Zero, boggled from his experience and mind control, could only smile and thank the crew.

"I thought I was going to have to be her slave forever! She must have slipped that on me one night in my sleep after she caught me begging for release from her bondage….", Zero sighed happily.

"But it looks like we're stuck here.", Fade noted, pointing to the long gash across the now-darkened magical symbol.

All eyes in the room focused on Funari.

"Oops…", she blushed.

---

"Ugh..I feel oppressed…", Jay heaved, leaning on the squirming walls as he waited for his vision to fully clear. And when it did….he backed away in horror from the wriggling, seemingly living walls.

Shivering in horror, he clasped the Megatama in his fist to feel its warm protection. It terrified him to gaze into the distance and see arching bridges of bone soaring above scorching lava; the only light in the enormous cavern. It was a dismal scene; one of death and suffering only.

"And thus is where I shall conquer.", he sighed, trudging off on the final leg of his quest.

---

"BACK! BACK, I SAY!", Tomo roared, emptying her entire laser cell into the flood of zombified children.

Yet, they continued to advance, groping out with their small putrid fingers. Tomo, batting feverishly at the group with the rear of her gun, was backed into a corner; dead to rights.

She felt pitiful. It would be the most shameful death to be stricken down by a collection of zombie children carrying rotting stuffed animals….

A light blinked on in Tomo's normally vacant skull.

She unclipped the laser cell from her weapon and waved it in the air.

"FIRST ONE IN GETS A NEW TEDDY BEAR!", she screamed tossing it end-over-end across the spinal bridge, the cell falling into the lava below.

At that instant the children stopped, turned their crinkling heads toward the device and shuffled, one after the other, into the molten rock below.

"Phew….", Tomo sighed. "I hope I don't have to toss any more paraphernalia."

And while whistling the main theme to Lupin III, she trotted along the bony bridge, heading toward the gigantic spiny pavilion in the distance.

---

"So….what's tha square root of cheese?"

"Richard Nixon"

"By gods, yer right! Oh…a tough one! How do we know what IT is when IT is not IT but is something that is not IT?"

"Put it in the microwave."

"Yer just too smart fer words!", Osaka gasped, scooting back in her chair.

"No…I just know some really obscure things.", the glasses-bearing girl smiled pleasantly.

"Ah like you Miyuki-chan.", Osaka nodded.

"It is a pleasure to meet you too, Kasuga-san.", Miyuki responded, her pink hair bobbing.

"So, ya dun mind that we're here tryin' to kill Konata-chan or whateva?", Osaka asked, playing with the seamed hem of the tablecloth.

"Well, I can't say that I approve of it…", Miyuki said. "We could all just play golf or something instead."

"We're supposed ta kill pretty much everyone we see. Jay-chan said that. But he said you dun gotta die. Ya get spared.", Osaka noted, taking another bite of her pork bun.

"Really? That's nice of him.", Miyuki giggled, passing Osaka the dish in case she wished for seconds.

"Oh, that reminds me.", Osaka perked up, pulling forth a ball-peen hammer from her satchel. "Sorry I gotta do this, but Jay-chan said so. Bend yer knees for me, will ya Miyuki-chan?"

---

"This place sucks…", Kagura groaned, flopping herself on the floor of the Spartan boat.

"You said it…", Yomi replied, sighing for the umpteenth time in the last twenty minutes.

In reality, time did not seem to exist as the two cruised down a dark, damp and dismal river on an equally disaffected boat. They had appeared on the boat together and had ever since been sailing aimlessly through winding grey canyons and lachrymosic inlets.

"See anything interesting yet?", Kagura moaned from the bottom of the craft.

"Just that creepy old man again waving at us from shore…", Yomi replied.

"Ugh…why doesn't he just go away?", Kagura lamented.

"Maybe he's trying to tell us something."

"Like what?"

"Like…OHMYGODWATERFALL!"

"I don't think that's what he's saying…."

"I MEAN REAL TALL WATERFALL!!", Yomi wailed, causing Kagura to sit up and note the increasing volume of the crashing water.

"HOLY SHIT! PADDLE!", Kagura screamed, reaching into the water and paddling wildly with her hands.

"THIS ISN'T WORKING!", Yomi cried. "WE'RE GOING OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

They fell..yet they did not. The ship plummeted, yet landed with nothing more than a tiny splash into a calm, peaceful river with surroundings much less dull than those previous.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me…", Kagura muttered, squealing as she released Yomi; whom she had been hugging for dear life.

"This just keeps getting more and more stupid by the minute….", Yomi heaved as the boat continued to tread onwards into the Tunnel of Love.

---

"Oh rich, Nyamo!", Yukari wailed. "Now we're trapped AND we look stupid! You _had_ to go and say 'yes', didn't you!?"

"I was just being polite!", Nyamo retorted.

"We're here to KILL PEOPLE, Nyamo! Not play dress-up with some weird American broad!"

"How was I supposed to know she was an otaku!?", Nyamo growled in response.

"IT WAS HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE, YOU DOLT!", Yukari screamed, clenching her fists in anger. "You _had _to go and knock on the door!"

"Would you rather I had gone to the one WITH SPIKES ON TOP!?", Nyamo roared, gripping Yukari's slim collar tightly.

"Are my girls all ready now?", chirped the falsely high-pitched voice of their captor.

"Go away, you swine!", Yukari called out.

The door creaked open and the blonde-haired, busty girl poked herself in.

"Is that any way for Asuka Langley to talk?", she chimed in.

"My name is Yukari Tanizaki, you little shit."

"Hmph!", huffed the foreigner. "You don't see Rei Ayanami speaking like that!"

Nyamo blushed and stuttered as she spoke.

"W-well Patricia-chan, Yukari here can become a bit flustered at times and-"

"It's okay, she'll get used to it! And, please, call me Patty!", spoke their captor cheerfully.

"Permission to turn her head around backwards, Nyamo?", Yukari hissed as the girl approached.

"Shh! There has to be another way out of this.", Nyamo whispered as Patty grabbed their hands and lead them from the dressing room out into the larger main room.

"Now let's get you two into an awesome pose so my friend can draw you!", Patty nodded, leading them to a white sheet draped across the floor intended for modelling. "Rei, I want you to lie over Asuka's lap here and look up into her eyes as if pleading for her love!"

Nyamo blushed fiercely and sat on the sheet as if mechanically.

"No way in hell.", Yukari replied, shaking her head. "I'm not carpet-eater, thank you very much."

"Oh, p'shaw~", Patty giggled. "Just pretend for a bit, kay?"

"Nothin' doing, sister.", Yukari huffed, crossing her arms for emphasis.

"Well then….you two pose while I get the artist~", Patty hopped off, completely ignoring Yukari's comment.

"Just play along, Yukari!", Nyamo pleaded. "We'll find a way out eventually."

"Pfft, yeah…when I stick my foot so far up her arse that she tastes the polish.", Yukari replied with an acidic tongue.

Patty practically skipped back into the room trailing behind her an awkwardly stumbling girl weighed down with paper, board and other art supplies. Her large glasses were sliding down her nose and her raven-black hair was flitting every-which-way as she was forcefully yanked onward.

"You two still aren't ready!?", Patty gasped incredulously.

Yukari stared at the girl and blinked, grinning broadly before rushing to her side and grasping her brutally by the temples.

"DRAW THIS!"

With a sickening groan and crack, Yukari literally twisted the blonde's head around so it faced backwards. A stunned expression was emblazoned for eternity upon her frozen features. Patricia slumped to the floor, dead with blood pooling from her ears.

"YUKARI!", Nyamo gasped, aghast with shock at the cruel and barbaric act.

"She deserved it!", Yukari called back, grabbing the black-haired girl by her lapels and lifting her to eye-level. "Name!"

"H-h-h-hiyori T-tamura!", squeaked the awkward girl, her glasses falling further down her nose.

"Yukari, stop!", Nyamo clutched her friend's shoulder.

"Hrmm….", Yukari studied Hiyori with close skill and narrowed her eyes. "I don't like you."

"EEK!", screeched Hiyori, wiggling in her grasp.

"Let's go, Yukari!", Nyamo pleaded, pulling at the raging woman's shoulder.

"Fine!", Yukari huffed, tossing Hiyori lightly to the ground and taking off through the corridors with her friend.

From that moment on, that poor girl was scarred for eternity.

---

All this time, Ame no Yuki was sitting around a ghostly table, with her ghostly friends that she had met in Ghost High, engaged in pleasant ghostly conversation while sipping ghostly tea. It was a fine and ghostly good time!

"Ms. Yuki, was there not something you were meant to attend to?", asked her ghostly companion as he adjusted his ghostly top hat.

"Hrm…not that I can recall…", she replied, munching on a ghostly crumpet.

---

"No need to cower, little one.", Jay cackled, hefting his Magical 8-iron menacingly.

And yet the girl continued to quiver, horrified by the threatening man towering over her. She bit her fingernails with anxiety and continued to whimper 'Onee-chan…Onee-chan, save me…'.

"I'm not here to kill you, Tsukasa-chan. I have granted thee my godly grace and allowed you to live.", he grinned, kneeling down to her level and grasping the felt-covered package at his belt. "Join us, Tsukasa-chan. Join the side of true grace."

Tsukasa fervently shook her purple-tressed locks. Her adorable little bow flopped right along with them.

"I..I can't leave Onee-chan!", she whimpered.

"Your Onee-chan is not the same girl you once knew! Power has perverted her and she is not nothing more than a slave to Konata Izumi!", Jay railed, grinning as he dashed the felt cover off of the Kagami to reveal the shining bronze surface to Tsukasa's waiting gaze. "Join the side of good…."

Hypnotised by a reflection of all the good that would come to her, real or imagined, she sputtered incomprehensible words and drooled in her trance.

"Ironic that your sister shares a name with the mirror that will show you the true path~", Jay chided, continuing to hold her gaze.

"B-but…Onee-chan…I…I can't…leave her….", Tsukasa muttered, wavering her gaze.

Jay was stunned. Could this dense girl truly be resisting the immense power of the Yata no Kagami?

"No, Tsukasa-chan! You will join my cast and work for me!", Jay roared, following hr gaze with the Kagami.

"N-no….I can't leave..Onee-chan…", she sputtered, standing on two wobbly legs, trying her best to escape the pull.

"YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL NOW!! BOW TO YOUR NEW MASTER!", Jay growled, standing to present the mirror to her face once more.

"No!", she wailed. "I will not!"

Her gaze faltered and broke from the enchanting item. Jay, in a blind rage, stuffed the mirror back into his bag and pulled back his Magical 8-iron.

"I SAID…..BOW!"

With a vicious swing and a wet snap, the ensorcelled golf implement collided firmly with Tsukasa's lower legs, breaking them on impact and sending the girl wailing and sprawling to the hard ground.

"You are mine now, Tsukasa-chan. I am your new Master!"

---

"Are they here, Ma'am?"

"Oh yes….they've just arrived….Nyaaaa~"

"I'll make sure they do not pass!"

"Such a good boy~", she giggled, displaying a cat-like grin.

---

"….So I turned her frickin' head around backwards! The pretentious little twat!"

"All this brutality really is not necessary!", Nyamo groaned, a bit disgusted at having to see her companions carrying the unconscious forms of two girls with broken legs.

"Yes, it is. In this case, at least.", Jay retorted, hefting Tsukasa more onto his shoulders.

"Strange that she let me knock her knees in.", Osaka drawled, pointing to Miyuki who was draped over Kagura's shoulders.

"I got zombies though!", Tomo boasted. "What did you get Yomi?"

"Oh…nothing too exciting…", she expounded, casting a shameful gaze in Kagura's direction.

"Y-yeah..just a boring boat ride…", Kagura noted with a blush hidden beneath her tan.

"Geez, this bugger is surprisingly heavy…", Jay bemoaned, chugging under the weight of Tsukasa.

"You know, I've been meaning to say this…", Yomi noted with hesitation. "I've never seen you be this cruel before, Jay. Don't you think you're going rather overboard with all this killing and violence?"

"Yomi, my dear….I am acting in such a manner because I see these dastardly folk as an imminent danger to the livelihood of myself, my programme, and all of you! If I could see a solution otherwise, I would do so. Yet, it seems Ms. Izumi is equally as forlorn. I mean, just take a look around you!", Jay replied, feeling a twinge of grief.

"Yeah! This place is pretty much demonic!", Tomo exclaimed.

"Well…hmph…", Yomi nodded, unsure of what conclusion to come to.

"Looks like we made it.", Kagura gulped.

Before them rose up an enormous basalt pavilion replete with metallic spines along every buttress and tower; a fearful sight to any mortal, sane mind. In turn, Tomo thought it was 'awesome'. To the others, it was a terror dredged from the bowels of Hell itself.

They approached the main double-doors cautiously, Jay and Kagura bowed under the weight of their charges. As the companions passed under the shadow of the bastion, the temperature dropped considerably and a brutal fear gripped their hearts.

"S-s-scary….", Tomo shivered.

"Y-you said it…..", commented Nyamo.

One step at a time they ascended the grand staircase. The air took on a Hyperborean chill; Tomo could see her breath as she exhaled. Kagura could feel her muscles tightening. With the shivers Jay contracted, he feared Tsukasa would fall from his shoulders and then he'd be in _REAL_ trouble.

Five steps from the top landing, the main doors flew open with a mighty force. And there, in plain sight, stood a familiar figure.

"SHAUN!?", Yomi cried out, nearly falling back down the black stairs.

"Hi there, Yomi! How are you?", he asked with a bright smile.

"More like what the hell are YOU doing here!?", Jay roared, shivering in much more than just the cold.

"I thought I would help out Kona-chan! I really do like her; you should know that by now!" he replied.

"I didn't think you'd go this far!", Jay retorted.

"I…I feel betrayed..", Yomi sputtered.

"Yeah, you ass!", Tomo growled.

"I'm sorry. I have to do what I have to do! And that means I gotta stop you here, Jay-chan!", he smiled, writhing flames igniting across his palms as the temperature, gratefully, rose once more.

"Well..if you say so….", Jay heaved, leaning his charge against a nearby column as Kagura did the same with hers.

"IT'S ASS-KICKIN' TIIIIIIME!!", Tomo wailed, unsheathing two viciously sharp knives.

---

"Two of a kind."

"Straight!"

"Nothing…."

"Flush!"

"Four of a kind! I win again!", James cackled.

"Grr! You're cheating! And I am _NOT_ taking off my shirt!", Cartoony huffed, crossing her arms across her chest and grimacing.

"But those are the rules!", James whined. "We all agreed to play Strip Poker!"

"Yet, we've been playing for two hours now and everyone refuses to take off more than their socks. Saisei is the only one butt-naked.", Sammy commented.

"Got a problem with that?", replied the cheeky scientist.

"Not at all!", replied the entire group simultaneously.

"Didn't think so.", she grinned.

"You really are distracting, you know that?", Donna Uotani commented. She had joined them shortly after Red and AR had shown up and was rather disappointed that she once again did not get to put her Flame Bracers to good use.

"It's my job, sweetheart~", Saisei chuckled, flipping into a range of suggestive poses.

"Stop!", Funari cried, shielding her eyes for emphasis. "Can we just play something else?"

"Gin Rummy?", Fade suggested.

"Pictionary?", was AR's call.

"We could look for people to kill.", said Red.

"Pin the Tail on the Donkey!?", James spoke excitedly.

Yet all refused. Then Sammy spoke up.

"How about…."

---

"M-man….what a bastard…", Tomo huffed as she stood up once more.

The battle had just begun and, even so, Shaun seemed to have the upper hand even though he was outnumbered. Jay had woefully underestimated his control of all things hot and flaming when he strode into battle. Since that moment, the assembled group had been tossed this way and that by writing flames.

"MAN! I wish I had something to fight with!", Yukari wailed.

"Does _anyone_ still have a gun?", Jay asked, sidling back into his group at the bottom of the stairs while holding the Kusanagi no Tsurugi up defencively.

"Mine ran outta ammo…so I ditched it.", Tomo said.

"That psycho bitch took all our weapons!", Yukari growled.

"Mine went overboard….", Kagura blushed.

"I'm actually not sure where mine went….", Yomi noted derisively.

"Ah got one!", Osaka said cheerfully, pulling out a rocket-launcher from gods-know-where and discharging it at al odd angle, causing the projectile to sail away into the cavernous darkness above. A smoke trail followed as if waving their hopes goodbye.

"Oh, good job there Osaka!", Tomo reprimanded the girl with a smack to the back of her head.

"Tha trigger is too darn big!", Osaka wailed in her defence.

"Could you please stop fighting amongst yourselves and fight me instead?", Shaun grinned, standing atop the stairway and grinning down at them.

With a sigh, Jay relented.

"Oh fuck it…."

Whooping a barbarian scream, he vaulted up the stairway, invigorated by the thought that his blade would cleave through any knows substance, including man. He slashed, thrust, turned and swung. All to no avail.

"Dammit man! Can't you just let us through! This is a matter of world security!", Jay pleaded.

"What do you mean? It's not like Help Desk can't exist while Lucky Help Line is around.", Shaun shrugged. "You can both do your shows and be happy!"

"LOOK AROUND YOU! DOES THIS PLACE LOOK NORMAL TO YOU!?", Jay roared, gesturing to the demonic realm they occupied. "This is obviously ill-intentioned!"

"But she has free cake on Thursdays."

With a growl of disdain, Jay levelled his blade at Miyuki's neck.

"How would you like to see them die then? Right in front of your eyes!"

Shaun's eyes flashed open and with a wild scream of 'NO!' he separated his hands. Between them formed a long, slender magma lance which, with a simple flick of the wrist, he sent sailing at Jay.

Unable to react with the proper speed, Jay put up his hands in a sad defence as the lance tore directly through his stomach, searing a charred hole where his innards once were. The force of the projectile sent his flailing body tumbling down the stairs to rest at the foot of Tomo, who propped up his head on her knee.

"JAY!", she screamed. "Holy shit! JAY!"

The group gathered about his fallen body and shivered with horror. Jay's face was livid, devoid of life. Nyamo couldn't help buy choke back tears. Even Yukari felt a spark of compassion for a man who let her do so man practically-illegal acts.

Then, his lips quivered and his eyes re-focused.

"I…I just wanted to let you all know….I love you.", he wheezed. "I am so glad that I was able to live part of my life with al of you and participate..in one of the greatest….endeavours the world has ever seen. I..I only wish I could continue my work. I have so much unfinished business. I always wanted to see Abe Lincoln to…to..make fun of his beard. I still…have not…hired Chuck Norris to be…my professional..Secretary of…Ass-Kicking. I regret not building…a space capsule and rocket to….explore Mars and Venus…And so many of m…my treasures have been left un-studied. There are so many…mysteries to be discovered and researched….so many objects of mystical power that I need to…possess….I….have not completed by life's work….I only wish I could have told Konata that she smells like rotten….beef….or that…I could once more get to see the jungles of Amazonia….I have only been there once…Let me…tell you the story…."

As Jay discoursed his story of glorious victories over giant tree-sloths in the deep jungles of the Amazon Basin, the others listened on with baited breath. Even Shaun stepped down beside them to listen in.

"….Only then did I realise that not only was she a man…but also a Communist…After that-"

"Jay.", Tomo interjected.

Jay focused her with a glare that could have immolated a small village.

"Don't interrupt me Tomo! I'm giving my death soliloquy!"

"….It's been going on for nearly a half-hour.", Yomi commented.

"So what!?", Jay retorted.

"So…I don't think you're going to die….somehow.", Tomo noted, pointing to his scorched midsection.

"Eh?", Jay blinked and hefted himself up to his feet, trodding effortlessly. "Wow…maybe I'm not. Wonder why…."

The group shrugged at first, but then Osaka chimed in.

"Maybe it's tha necklace. It's all glowy!"

Jay looked down and noted that indeed the Yasakani no Megatama was glowing a bright cerulean.

"Cool.", he said.

"Take it off and see what happens.", Shaun suggested.

With a swift motion, Jay removed the necklace and placed it at his feet.

"Ha! I'm fi-"

One step later he was face down on the ground. Ded. D E D ded.

"OHMYGODI'MSORRY!", Shaun wailed, running to his side and haphazardly replacing the necklace around his throat.

A moment later, Jay hopped to his feet once more, his stomach wound miraculously closed.

"And I'm good!", he chirped. "Oh, and Buddha says 'Wut up?'"

"That thing is cool!", Tomo shouted, pumping her fist in glee.

"Yeah, it's pretty neat.", Jay nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Jay! I didn't mean to kill you! Honestly!", Shaun pleaded. "I don't want to hurt anyone else!"

"Then please let us pass in order to complete our mission.", Jay suggested with a firm nod.

"B-but….you're going to kill her! C-can you…please show mercy?", he asked.

"I'll do what I need to do.", Jay spoke.

"Why don't you come with us then!", Tomo suggested. "That way you can see what we do!"

"Eh?", Shaun blinked.

"Not a bad idea…", Jay said.

"I'm not sure…", Shaun whimpered. "I really like her…."

"Please?", asked Yomi sweetly, supplementing her plea with a tender kiss to his cheek which caused him to blush profusely.

"W-well…", he stuttered. "I guess I could betray her trust and lead her killers to her."

"All right!", cheered Tomo. "Let's go!"

With that, the group assembled at the top of the stairs once more, with Jay and Kagura hefting Tsukasa and Miyuki over their shoulders once more.

"Are they going to be okay?", asked Shaun in a worried tone.

"They'll be fine!", Jay reassured him as they entered the grim palace.

Lit from within by many sconces upon the Gothic stonework, the interior was a maze of elegantly dismal corridors. Shaun led them through a series of security locked doors that he was allowed to pass.

"Fingerprint scan completed. You may pass."

"Voice recognition scan completed: You may pass"

"Retinal scan completed: You may pass"

"Blood scan competed: You may pass"

"Conga dancing scan completed: You may pass"

"Uhh…could you guys turn around a moment?", Shaun asked with a blush creasing his face.

"Umm..okay."

The group turned and were aurally assaulted by a cacophony of strange noises that ill-concerned them.

"Rectal scan complete: You may pass"

"Woah…she's a weirdo…", Tomo commented.

With the gauntlet of security now past, the group left Miyuki and Tsukasa by the doorway as the final door swung open to reveal a chamber not unlike some unholy shrine to a devilish power. That is, if that devilish power was an adorable, tiny chibi-demon.

Indeed, the room was a massive vaulted chamber that was adorned with niches filled with cute, pastel statues of demonic nature. It reminded all those present of some sort of twisted and cute theme park that made children cry and consisted of rides featuring human sacrifice.

At the far end of the centre hall sat a silver-twined throne. Upon that throne sat a beast far beyond human means.

"Konata Izumi.", Jay hissed, stomping his way down the centre aisle with his companions by his side.

"Oh, look Kagamin!", the girl on the throne chirped as she handed her monkey on her shoulder a peanut. "Seems that Jay and his little friends have finally arrived! Hrm Hrm Hrm~"

"Can we just cut the formalities so that I can kill you?", Jay asked with an exaggerated sigh.

"Oh, no, no, no!", she warned, wagging her finger. "I have yet to reveal the power with which I will punish you and my cute little guardian who has now betrayed me."

Shaun blushed deeply and stepped forward to speak.

"I needed to! T-they are the ones I love!"

"Ohhh…nyaaa~ Just be glad I'm going to kill you and make you my pet like Kagamin here.", she cooed, stroking the tiny head of the monkey.

"EE! EE! EE!", the little primate screeched.

Jay stood aghast at her actions, his jaw dropped open in awe.

"Y-you turned your lover into a monkey! That's cruel and unusual!"

"Cruel, no. Unusual….maybe~ She gave me problems so I made her my loyal pet~", Konata giggled. "Now she'll be by my side forever."

"How can you do all this stuff!? This place is fucked up!", Tomo interjected.

"Nyaa~", Konata cooed once more, standing from her chair as Kagami jumped from her shoulder to perch on the arm of the throne. "Let's just say I made a promise that granted me all you see.", she chuckled once more. "And the power to rule the airwaves with my show~"

Jay blinked and grinned.

"You sold your soul to the Devil, didn't you?"

"And I have made it worthwhile!", she retorted, her skin glowing an ominous ochre. "Now! Die before I waste any more effort on you idiots!"

The group retreated, with some taking shelter behind the room's obsidian pillars as Konata grew tremendously in size. Her features rippled and tore as her body elongated, with strange spindly, sinewy limbs protruding from her midsection. Soon she little resembled anything human with her mottled purple skin and six slender, bony legs. Atop the spider-like abdomen was a mutated human torso with arms and the head of the girl this monstrosity once resembled.

"Hahah! Face me down now, petty mortals!", she cackled, her ominously deep voice ringing through the acoustic chamber.

The group scattered as she brought down one spiny leg upon the floor, sending out a rain of sharp stone. Jay took shelter behind a pillar beside Kagura, who was struggling with her Indian katars.

"They're broken…", she lamented.

"Here…Kagura. Pull off the cover and distract her with this and I'll go for the legs. Do NOT, under any circumstances, look directly at this!", Jay warned, handing Kagura the covered Yata no Kagami.

"Woah! DAMN!", Tomo screamed as she dodged another dangerous footfall from the beast, barely heard above Konata's devilish cackling.

At that moment, Kagura dashed out in front of the creature, bearing the bronze mirror and holding it on high.

"Hey! Look at me! Look what I have!", she yelled.

With a rumble, Konata turned at Kagura, gazed into the depths of the mirror and chortled.

"Hahahah! To fall for such a simple trick I-"

_CLANG!_

Jay had brought Kusanagi down between the segments of one of her forelegs, yet the cosmic blade simply skipped off as if her skin were made of adamantium.

"Damn!", Jay cursed moments before the flailing of the creature tossed him aside.

Shaun, reacting to the increase in aggressiveness, let loose a swathe of flame that billowed from the tips of his fingers. Yet, even with the massive temperature, the flames did not even cause the skin to blister on the beast.

In fact, with a simple movement, she knocked loose the pillars many of the girls had taken shelter behind, leaving them open and scattering for greater cover.

"Wagh! This sucks!", Yukari growled as she bolted for one of the niches occupied by a cute demon statue.

"What do we do now?", Tomo bemoaned. "We're totally out of weapons if that sword can't do jack-shit to it!"

"Guess we just gotta hope for a mir-"

The ground jolted as Konata scrambled forward one giant step at a time. At least, that was what was believed. Soon, Jay and the others realised that the rumbling was out of sync with her steps. In fact, it seemed to be originating from above.

"The roof is going to cave-in!", Nyamo whimpered, gazing up at the spreading cracks in the ceiling.

"Well, since we're gonna die I might as well say you all owe me ALL sorts of booze in heaven!", Yukari muttered.

The shifting, nervous stare from the others seemed to allay that demand.

The cracks grew wider as Konata searched the massive room in a ponderously slow manner. Death seemed to be knocking at the gates of Jay's crew, yet it was only their hearts beating wildly in their chests.

"Hey Yomi…sorry about being an ass all the time.", Tomo apologised.

"It's okay, Tomo. Don't worry about it.", Yomi replied simply, cowering next to her friend.

"Ah! There you are!", roared Konata, raising two scythe-like legs with the intention of impaling the group like a human shish-kebab.

With a resounding crack and roar so deafening that many had thought their hearing was gone for good, the ceiling above splintered as a massive stalactite barrelled through the rock, impaling itself through the upper body of the Konata-demon and pinning the beast into the floor. The screech of the creature was even more frightening than the attack. It was the squeal of a dying animal. A dark call for mercy.

"N-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I…CANNOT….I CANNOT….DIE!"

As the thrashing of the grotesque beast continued, her screaming and pleas for mercy quieted. As the chattering legs fell quiet, her soul passed from this plane of existence. Her body was left in its perverted state.

"W-what was….what was that?", stuttered Kagura.

Jay had dragged himself close to the girls and, although injured, spoke up.

"Look."

He pointed a bloody finger to the fallen rock formation. At the base of it were unmistakable scorch-marks that indicated a release by flame; likely an explosion.

"It…", Tomo gasped. "Woah!"

"Osaka is our good-luck charm.", Jay grinned.

"I ain't no charm.", she replied. "Ah'm too big ta hang from yer wallet!"

As the group giggled at her comment, which relieved an intense amount of stress, they recovered a steady stance and headed toward the door they had entered the room from. The majority left without looking back.

Except for Shaun. He cast his gaze back at the twisted corpse beneath the fallen pillar of stone and caught a sob in his throat.

_She WAS a demon…_

"Up ya go…", Kagura spoke as she hefted Miyuki onto her back once more. Jay did the same with Tsukasa.

Pleasantly striding, they proceeded toward the exit of the monstrous citadel. Tomo marched at the head of them, triumphantly raising and lowering her legs in a militaristic fashion. Indeed they were victorious soldiers.

But they did not reach the exit. Upon turning into the second gallery corridor, the scene before them literally melted away, revealing the bright sunlight and span of trees outside the studio proper.

Quickly looking behind them, there was nothing; just a dusty plain where the studio had once stood.

"Hey! Look, they're back!", cried Shimata, running at the head of the other, left-behind group.

"How was it!?"

"Did you win!?"

"Were my lesbians there!?!?!?"

Despite being on the verge of a complete physical and mental breakdown, the group recounted the tale of their travels and battles; explaining how Konata had formed a pact with Satan in order to grant her programme primacy over all others.

"Woah! Sucks that we missed it!", said Sammy.

"I WISHED TO REMOVE HER EYES WITH THE POWER OF THOR!", cried Fade ominously.

"Oh well….we still had fun!", James nodded.

"…What did you guys do?', Kagura inquired.

"We were just playing Explosive Bowling when the studio disappeared and you guys showed up!", Donna nodded, sweeping out her arm to show the scene.

At one end of a demarcated stretch of dirt stood ten explosive tank shells atop the blackened remains of many others. At the other end were various footprints attesting to how many had played this oddly devised game.

"What did you use for a ball?", Jay croaked out.

"This!", AR said, holding up a blackened skull. "Found it in the transports. Strangely resistant to explosives!"

"GAHHHH!", Jay cried, grabbing at the skull. "Not the skull of John the Baptist! THIS IS A PRICELESS CULTURAL ARTEFACT!"

"Sorry!", Red said. "It lasted longer than that big ol' globe or that giant granite sphere thing."

"GAHHHH!! NOT MY ELIZABETHAN GLOBE AND MY COSTA RICAN GRANITE SPHERE!!"

Jay weeped openly, dropped Tsukasa into Shimata's arms, and bolted or the transport vehicles to protect his horde.

"Say…", Tomo noted. "Where's that pink-haired one?"

"I have her.", Sammy said, strangely coming into possession of Miyuki, whom he gazed at with a lascivious stare.

"Well, it seems our work here is done!", Saisei announced, now full dressed.

The group nodded in agreement, traipsing off toward the transports that would take the triumphant army home once more.

'_I hope he doesn't find out about the Ark….'_, ran through Tomo's mind as she boarded the vehicle.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed! What horrors shall befall them next!?**


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